11-29-10 Re-write This Scene!

11-29-10     Re-write This Scene I hope everyone had a lovely Thanksgiving, I went to my friend Eve's house and celebrated with her and her 3 kids, Jeremy even went with me! It very well could be the last holiday I spent with him though.......because it eneded with me getting arrested because of him! Yup, no lie... It started tuesday at work I got all upset because my realtor said they changed the law and unless I can prove that I have at least 25% equity in my house that I can't get the second mortgage to buy the gray house and he said the guy's realtor said he probably wasn't going to go for this rent thing while I wait for mine to sell after all. But he delivered the paperwork on monday and I met with Mary on tuesday to see if she could get anything on this. Luckily my grandma came through, which is rare these days as she spends most of her time with my mom who is ill. She had some messages for me according to Mary. First she said that I need to stop worrying so much and seeking so many opinons that I keep throwing obstacles in the path. She also said that woman is going to leave Randy in the spring, that she's been saving money and planning it for a long time, and she has been to his house and its a horrible horrible mess and I would never want to go live there again. She said she would clear the path and to just relax and wait for it to happen that I can be in my new home so I can decorate and cook for Christmas. So I decided to wait over the holiday and just be at peace as much as possible and see what messages came to me. That was the plan anyway..... Wednesday after work I went and bought a cheap winter coat at Wal-mart because mine are all packed in the back of the pack-rat, I had some credit on my cards because I got a letter from one of them and they offered me 0% interest for one year on balance transfers so I transferred all my balances to one card, worse case I can keep up with payments on them and the one huge one I can work something out for later once my home sells. I met a friend for drinks and got home early enough to watch some more of my family videos, it was bitter sweet and I went to be and cried for my sweet innocent little Jeremy who had grown up into someone I can barely talk to these days. But thursday morning I woke to a text from him saying to wake him he'd go with me to Thanksgiving dinner! I was ectatic! So in the afternoon we drove to my friend Eve's for dinner, she, I and our kids have spent a few thanksgivings together so it was like being with family. Eve asked Jeremy where he was going to live when I moved and he said he was going to stay in the house and burn it piece by piece for heat, she tried talking to him for me but there was no listening so we left that topic.  We all had a very lovely time and I enjoyed the day besides that.I had waitied all day hoping Randy would text me but he did not. Mary pointed out that I had made it so he can't contact me but I said he could if he wanted to, he just won't because of them. So the day went well till about 7pm and for some reason I felt a bit of an anxiety attack, I didn't think it was me but who knows. We were sitting there and all of a sudden the lamp started moving, and we felt a cold air. I have no idea why but Eve and her kids were all freaking out, the lamp moved in the room next to Jeremy also. Mary thought it was a spirit trying to get my attention so I would "see the light", what I am meant to see I have no idea. I had agreeed to "open my gate" to let things come through to me more but I havent had much success, I expect when I am moved and settled for things to be better. I just have so much stress now I can't handle anything else. Friday I was supposed to meet a meetup group for a movie but the place was packed and I didnt get in, I ended up renting movies and came home and watched them and nappend and basically isolated most of the day.....my head just going round and round on what town to move to, in the end though I decided that I want to go to Keyport no matter what. I watched Eat, Pray, Love again and was inspired to get down on my knees and pray to God and I asked him can I go to Keyport now, or where should I go please help me and I really want that gray house....the only thing I felt I heard was... better than the one on Sunset? and I said yes yes this is more affordable for me, and all on one floor.....its better. I also said a prayer for Randy and my voice said he wants to stay with the kids longer, he knows its going to end soon. It made some sense to me in the moment but I can't at all tell you why it did. Saturday I woke up and my son had friends over so I went up to see who and was upset to see some girl who I don't know and I gave him a fresh lecture on it and told her to never ever come back here again. She said she would not and Jeremy said he forgot again that he isn't allowed to have people there. I reminded him agan to get to social services to get a place and he just ignored me. That night I went to visit friends and driving home I realized how close it was to Keyport in relation to where I live now and decided once and for all to go to Keyport one way or another. So sunday morning I made appointments to meet with my realotor and with a friend and see some places. My plan was to drive down, go to mass in the new church and spend the day looking at apartments......I also wanted to drive by the gray house and toss some inspiristones...... So much for plans.......as I was coming downstairs to leave I saw that girl out in my yard talking to my son and a couple friends and I went out and yelled at her what the heck are you doing back here after I told you yesterday to not be here? She starts yelling, got mouthy and refused to give me her name, I asked my son and his friends her name and they said nothing. Then I said leave now, she starts walking down the hill mouthing off and left her clothes and coat , I picked them up and threw them at her saying take your stuff because you are not coming back here, turns out there was a BIG flashlight in her stuff and it hit her in the back of the head! She went nuts after that still refusing to leave so I went in and called the police, she called her mother and my son and his friend left me there. When the cops arrived they had no choice but to arrest me because she did in fact have a wound on the back of her head and she claimed that I walked up behind her and struck her and have no witnesses. The cop asked where's Vito (my son's nickname) and when I told her she said what a coward wont even stick around for his mom. Needless to say I missed church, but when I went in to get my purse I noted the time 11:11 and felt on some level that God was a part of this situation....at the station the cop told me that she admitted me telling her to stay off my property, she advised me to sign a counter complaint and in all likelyhood everything would be dropped. She said I need to go file eviction proceddings on Jeremy and said I should have done that when he stole my car but understood why as a mother I had not. She then asked which one of the kids built the penis snow scultptue in my yard last winter complete with hair formed out of the long pine needles from the trees. We got a good chuckle out of that and she said what all the cops and therapists say, I did my best with my son, and he's a good kid but he keeps choosing the wrong friends..... So last night I texted a few close friends about being arrested, one of them Randy and he was the first one to reply....he asked if I needed to be bailed out, said what I need is some good pokey, I wont tell you how that all went back and forth but it didnt end well at all.......the last thing I said was I lost everything now and I hope he felt better and  had I been punished enough now for leaving him, not funny he said but I ignored it. I wasn't trying to be funny.......... I am moving to Keyport and I am praying to God to not let his and my paths cross again...... I went to sleep praying for peace and answers and woke up with song lyrics in my head.....how'd we end up like this and lets re-write and ending that fits.......yep I am not liking this ending I am having right now from my son and this home......I need a re-write.....so I made plans to take tommorow off and go file the counter charges, an eviction and in the afternoon go look at apartments......and made one last request of my realtor to try to get me that gray house......we will see how the story goes after this....... How's your life going these days? Are your scenes smooth or are you living your own hollywood horror? Please know that ANYtime the script of your life is not playing out the way you intended you can ask for a re-write, just STOP, go over the scene, see what you can change, pray for God to change what you can't change and then get back in the action........ you are never stuck with the script the way it is now, never........don't give up just re-write it! With Love and in the Light, Cassie Nickelback - Someday http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YzFlUiPvwQ8

Simple Gifts - Yo-Yo Ma and Alison Krauss

11-22-10 Turning Round Right

'Tis the gift to be simple, 'tis the gift to be free, 'tis the gift to come down where you ought to be, And when we find ourselves in the place just right, It will be in the valley of love and delight. When true simplicity is gained, To bow and to bend we shan't be ashamed. To turn, turn will be our delight, 'Til by turning, turning we come round right. Shaker Song: Simple Gifts, written by Shaker Elder Joseph Brackett, Jr. in 1848. Hafizullah Chisti, Turning ♥ 11-22-10   Turning Round Right Sunday morning the above song was posted on Facebook along with the photo of my friend doing The Turn and boy do I feel like I am spinning! I knew the song though from when I was a teenager and my parents took me to Shaker Church sometimes, I wont tell you the song my cousin Brad and I sang in the car going home LOL. But as you can see I can spin wildly out of control or I can spin peacefully, much like a cat will do before it settles down for a much needed nap...and a long nap I shall have once I find my comfortable place to sleep in! But I have to find it for myself .....and despite all that's going on with my house situation I managed to have a peaceful and relaxing weekend. Even though it started out very badly it ended nicely... Saturday morning I was getting ready to go look at an apartment in Bridgewater and I was waiting to hear back from my realtor on the little gray house....he did call and he said they still were not done going over all the paper work...UGH! Well I said I was going to look at apartments in Bridgewater but I would wait to fax in the rental application on Monday he has to decide Monday I said! I then prepared to go look at the apartments, but I noticed how I kept stalling, finding things to do, reasons to not head over....I stalled as long as I could and still ended up being only 15 min. late. I tell you though I went into an anxiety attack of my own waiting there, till some nice guy who lived there came in and talked to me and said how nice it is to live there, so I looked at a couple of them and tried to talk myself into it and picked up the paper work.........but driving home I burst into tears and sobbed all the way home! I so do not want to live there for many many reasons and I called Deborah and cried to her and she comforted me. Saturday night I was supposed to go dancing with friends in my Fun and Friendly Singles group, but I begged off and felt bad about it as she is trying to raise money to pay her meetup fees, last year I did a fund raiser BBQ for her but this year I only had one BBQ and I had to raise the money for my other friends A Group Of Friends meetup first as that's my main one I use to post my events when I do them. I felt really bad about not going and helping her but we talked Sunday and I shared a contact with her so we can do a dinner together and both make some money. God has always given me this gift of bringing people together and throwing big parties and my name is know by many in this area, but I have never been the type to call and speak to establishments and set things up. I am just not a phone person, and I don't have any desire to be a phone person....I have other talents. I think God made me this way on purpose so that I would work with others, I am such a deep thinker that I tend to isolate and that's not good for the soul in all cases. He also likes us to work together on things.... But anyway on Saturday I went with Mary to see the new Harry Potter movie, it was good but I must say that I do miss the earlier ones that weren't so dark and scary..... After the movie we went and split an appetizer (both of us are near broke right now) and talked about a few things and also Randy, he seems to always come up when we meet even though right now I do not want to think about him. She again said she thinks that my anxiety attack was me feeling his and he is not spending thankgiving with his "family". I told her I have no idea but he has not contacted me at all and I am not going to contact him, if he wanted me he'd contact me and he knows he can't have sex with me as long as we have to be a secret so he won't bother with me... She said I still think you will end up with him and I think he will help you buy a house, he was going to get you that trailer remember? I reminded her than he never bought me dinner even once, or even a birthday card why would he buy me, or help me, buy a house? But this would make up for all that would it not? Well I imagine so I said but still I haven't heard a word from him, his actions show me he does not care. The universe wants you together though she said........ I dare say I believe her but I know the stubbornness of that man, I am not holding my breath and all of this is speculation after all....worthless really. She still insisted on texting him to see if he had Thanksgiving plans, I told her do what she wants but I don't want to be involved.... Sunday morning I woke up and had NOTHING to do with my day and I always used to hate that, but when you are broke you cant really make many plans. I had offered to go rake leaves for Dave so he'd come help me put up shelves and such when I move but he ended up snottily declining saying his spiritual advisor advised against it. He's still mad at me for not going to church every Sunday I guess.....*sigh*.....anyway I got an e-mail from Melissa my new Reiki master, in it she mentioned having an anxiety attack (not her own) also on Thursday, which got me to thinking I could be totally off base and that was a global thing I felt and not at all to do with Randy. I posted it to my Inspiristone Facebook and found out at least one other person had the same thing, and when Mary texted me later to say Randy replied to her that he was spending Thanksgiving with the family I was relieved for him and glad we were off base even though if we had been right it might have led to him being with me. I love that man and I want for him what he wants for himself even if its not me, he doesnt understand this but that's ok. So I had spent a lot of my time this weekend watching the family videos that I got converted, It was nice to see my sons little, the house when we first moved in it, Gus when we were newlyweds and his drinking hadn't gotten too out of control yet...I thanked the house for being my home, I thanked Gus for being a better father and husband than I recalled (the awful dark times at the end were my strongest memories) I also learned a few things from these videos. First thing was from a conversation with my friend and I was saying how Gus complains I am always off doing my own thing and I don't spend enough time with him.......wow this is why God chose Randy for me! I don't like a man in my face too much! Secondly watching Dustin video Jeremy's 5th birthday party, here is Dustin worrying and fussing over all the kids like an old man, and Jeremy running around like a wild thing, then Dustin says to him say a curse word like butt or damn and he grins so sweet and cute and innocent and says......the F word! and you can see the mischief in his eyes the little bugger! No I need not worry I made some mistake in raising that one, he was bad to the bone from birth! LOL no he's going to get in trouble all on his own but his sweet smile and ornery but good heart he will be just fine... Later on Sunday my phone died and I was informed by Verizon that it was a year past warranty.......I ended up getting some fancy new phone, I am going to burn in credit card hell I am sure, but it was a buy one get one free and Jeremy actually hugged me when I gave it to him (he woke up at 4pm yelling cuz his old one wasn't working and I handed him the bag) LOL  I also needed a camera as mine had died and this one not only has a camera I can instantly put them in the internet, and it has some sort of feature that I can get internet access on my lap top from it also and with the 25% JnJ discount and the fact I can really enhance my CassiesCalendar business it was a good move....now if I can just figure out how to work it. I had picked up Troy, my adopted son, and he spent sometime with me and we even completed my "Red" photo group assignment.... RJ came over, helped me with the photos and we talked about my housing and financial situations. He is a very successful business man so I like to talk to him........as a result that advice, and sleeping on it and praying about it I called my benefits manager and am taking out at 10k loan on my 401K. This way I can pay my mortgage for November, just in the nick of time and preserve my good credit rating, and I can see about buying this house now for the 200K and carry a second mortgage for a bit IF that's the way the owner of the gray house wants to go. I have options,  I am not backed into a corner, I still got a little wiggle room to play with..........turn turn turn Please lord don't let me spin out of control.....  My angel card today was New Love, guess Mary is wrong about Randy once again, she sure gives him way more credit than anyone else........its ok though I don't need him or anyone else to save me. As my friend posted to Facebook today:   Fairy tales teach us that if we're"good" enough, then our knight in shining armor will come rescue us from our loneliness, from our sorrow.Some people wait their entire lives for that one special person to "save" them.The truth is that no one can save you..but you.How empowering to realize that YOU hold the key to your happiness,the cure to your loneliness.Your knight in shining armor is.YOU.saddle up! ~Just breath ~Wendy Conover~ This morning at work the talk was of a 37 yr old man, father of 3 girls who ran into traffic and was killed on Friday, all because he is un-employed and worried about money--how sad that he values money more than life, I am sure his family would rather have him....PLEASE people trust in God to supply your needs, he will! Do the work and then trust! ....today  when you feel like your life is spinning out of control just breathe! And remember  to keep turning turning turning till you come round right.......then we will find ourselves in the place God has for us, the place of love and delight.....  With Love and in the Light, Cassie PS. It's almost Thanksgiving.......be greatful for the simple gifts of your life, family, friends, the ability to breath in and breath out another day.....   Simple Gifts   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYi9Vr8bHJY if you are on Facebook you can see my friend turning here: http://www.facebook.com/#!/video/video.php?v=10150118893155278 here are my photos for my Red assignement:

John Mayer - Waiting On The World To Change

11-20-10 Waiting for my World to Change

11-20-10      Waiting for  my World to Change Well it's the weekend and I was sitting here waiting to see if the guy with the gray house is going to approve this offer for me to rent his house and then to buy it when mine sells. He is a lawyer and has left no stone un-turned in checking out my credit rating, my employment, the townships progress, made me sign a buyers contract up front, made me agree to full asking price. All this got submitted on Wed and I thought he'd get back to me so as to not keep me living in a state of suspended animation. But I said I needed to know end of business on Friday and well it's Saturday morning now and I need to go look at apartments , my back up plan. It's totally not what I want but sometimes you have to sit back and let God steer you when he thinks is the best place for you. I had a very odd experience on Thursday late morning just before lunch time. I started feeling a little bit of an anxiety attack. I knew it was not my own that I was feeling, I was OK, my cards that morning had been about waiting, a man who was methodical and unconcerned with the feelings of others and well I just knew I was not going to hear about the house that day...the owner is a lawyer after all and in my book they are the single most pains in the behind on the planet, life would have been so much better had we not invented lawyers, all they do is complicate things, make things more expensive, more difficult harder to handle and the main thing is they take away ALL possibilities of trust and faith in your fellow man. The only lawyer I like is my own here in town, he's defended my son on a few occasions (only because the law REQUIRED us to have one) and he's been fair and descent on payment and he took the time to talk to my son like a dad would, a smart dad who knows what they can do to a kid.... but I digress back to the anxiety attack... So I am feeling this for nearly an hour and a half and just sending back love and light because I feel its an empathic episode. I do sometimes get them , I feel the feelings of others I am close to, and I knew there was only one person right now that I love enough to feel some of his pain for.....but just to be sure, since I don't fully trust myself yet I texted Mary and asked her....she replied Randy....I knew it! But why I texted, something about Thanksgiving, she is upsetting him over Thanksgiving she said......Oh i hope it's not my fault I texted. Don't know but that's what it is she replied. I sat there and prayed for him most of the day and night and felt so badly for him. I recalled what my guides had said that if they break up it will hurt them both for a short time but they will both be happier later...still I didn't want to be the cause of it and prayed for that message I sent to not be the cause of it....still you can't unring a bell.. Friday night my new silent business partner cooked dinner for me and my webmaster and we met to discuss plans for the new revamping of cassiescalendar.com, the new name, the new design and how we are going to take what I have built to the next level and start making some money on it. I recalled how I was told by several readers this year that my business was going to make money, all along I thought it would be Inspiristones, but as I said right now I am being led down a different path....and that's ok. I also talked to her about my "anxiety attack" and she said probably was right (she has spiritual gifts too) but that it was in NO way my fault, she said I already yelled at you for sending that message to the kid and you took the necessary steps to hide it and make it right, I also told her about telling him I made a mistake and sent to the wrong person and how I deleted my whole Myspace profile. She said listen HE came and did this HE cheated on her and SHE doesn't care about him and is just using him for a home to live in anyway, the most logical thing is that she probably is NOT taking him to Thanksgiving with her family because they really aren't a couple they are roommates. Don't you DARE contact him, let him sit in his misery and decide if he wants to make some real changes in his life or not....3 years ago you left him and he chose to stay the same and get them in his life so he wouldn't have to grow up and be responsible to a relationship, who knows if he learned anything from this but YOU need to take care of you. Ok ok ok I said I wont do anything, and I will stick to my he can't see me while he's still with her...but if he textes me on Thanksgiving I am going to answer him, holidays mean a lot to him (and to me)..fine she says but that it or I am going to smack you!  LOL  Yep sometimes shes a tough one, but she loves me and wants to see me happy...Todd agreed with her and I asked him where can I find another like you? You cook, you do home improvements for the woman you live with, pick her son up from soccer basically you are a husband, he said its because he really likes being a husband......and then I thought the Randy I know doesn't he likes being a 12 yr old out riding and playing...but then there's no one to come home to......*sigh*..... We also talked about my new home situation and how sad I was that 5pm had passed and I got no word about the gray house, now I freaking have to go get that apartment close to work I said I so don't want to do that I want to live in Keyport! So she nags me on that and tells me I have to quit being so fixated on things and to just learn to hoist my sail and see where the wind blows me when it comes. She said to do the soft sell too, lay all my cards down and say you let me know and then walk away. She said it the same with business as with men, if you walk and they don't come looking for you then they don't want you bad enough. Accept what is and be painent for what comes so I vowed to do that.  Driving home I got a text from my realtor, wanting even MORE information for that crazy lawyer who owns the grey house I want to rent then buy. I replied that it was on the letter from the township and then I said I am tired of this, I gave you all I agreed to everything I can, I got no more  to give. I am starting to worry he's going to screw me over somehow with all this and I don't see how he can get a C of O by the first now anyway with all this waiting. He did his best to re-assure me and I said well at noon I am going to go visit that apartment complex and pick up an application (the rental agent had been out and failed to mail me one and it wouldn't print at work or I would have had that ready already). Let me touch base with them in the morning he said and I said Ok, let me know... Now here I sit with my Pack Rat full and ready, my sails up and waiting for the wind to start blowing so I know what direction I am going. I know what direction I WANT to go, where my heart is..but I must trust God to blow me in the direction that HE thinks is best...its the only way. The key that will unlock the gate for my path today is patience and trust and acceptance. He always takes me down to my last dime, my last nerve, my last hope...but for this I am learning to be grateful because the more your faith is tested the stronger it becomes...after all this I can wait for and believe in anything I think! LOL Today are you waiting patiently with your sails ready? Your lantern full of oil? Your work all done and your tools put away neatly? Are you keeping yourself free of anxiety as you wait in JOYful hope??   This is what we are called to do......just keep on waiting for your world to change, you have done your work now see where the wind blows.........God loves you and wants only the best for you... time for faith to take over.... With Love and in the Light, Cassie John Mayer - Waiting On The World To Change http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oBIxScJ5rlY

11-16-10 Final Packing

c     11-16-10   I woke up Monday morning all happy and content with the possibility of getting the little gray house in Keyport. I still was going to move forward with preparing the application for the small apartment near work but my heart, yes my heart is in Keyport and I could be very happy in that place I found... So the first thing I did was do a search for local Catholic churches because much as I love St Matthias that Victor took me to, I want to be local and establish local friends and connections. There were about 6 in the area but I selected St Josephs because well there was a man who took in and married a single mom, raised a son he hadn't fathered and worked and cared for them with utmost humility and respect, that was the epitome of the perfect example of the kind of man I want to find for myself. So I clicked on the link so as to add it to my favorites, and it looked familiar.....oooh and they have Bingo! I love bingo! ....and humm this place looks familiar.........   Then it dawned on me! This is one of the churches that Randy took me to, it was palm Sunday as I recall......the entire time we dated I was not employed, I had gotten laid off in September, and we started dating in October. I wasn't concerned till the new year but as spring started to come and benefits were running out I was panicky. My family of course said this was all because I had turned my back on going to church, and I had, something really bad happened when my husband first went to jail to turn me off and I never went back. I had no use for priests that could be paid off my rich families and knew in my heart that my God was with me, not in some institution, also sitting in church alone with my two small boys and all the loving happy families with husbands and kids just made me too sad.....but I digress. I was so upset about this that Randy said how about I take you to church? I will hold your hand when we go in and sit with you the whole time..  we will go to all of them till we find one we like and go regularly. I can't tell you how much this meant to me and he went even though at this time frame his back was out and he couldn’t sit for very long. I recall the day we visited this church, we arrived late, slipped in the back and of course 12 yr old Randy appeared and was figidy....but I sat there and tried to listen till finally he leaned over and whispered in my ear he thought he was going to fart.........yes really you read that correctly! LOL Well the giggles were welling up inside me so hard I had no choice but to grab his hand and get us out of there as quickly and as quietly as possible.......once in the parking lot we both belly laughed so loud and so long its possible they heard us inside! Needless to say we didn’t try that place again! But as I recall I liked it there.........yep if the powers that be get me this house that is the church I am going to join!   So Mike calls and says the man who owns the grey house will let me rent it for a not too bad a price if I agree to pay his full price. I say done, work out the lease and let me know I can come down with one month’s rent and one month for security. But then he called me back a bit later and said the owner wanted to talk to my attorney since he also is one. I said he can but since I have no contract from the township yet he won't have anything to share, so he wanted to know if the owner can talk to the township, sure I said and gave him the number but they won't say for sure they are buying....so Mike says I think I need to speak to my mortgage guys, get them to approve you for the extra money and just buy now.........I thought about this all day, and the fact that I would have to look into taking from my very small 401K and well after much agonizing and worrying about it I decided no. I sent Mike an e-mail and said tell the guy I will rent for a few months this is predicted to close in late JAN early Feb., if he says no then I will get the apartment up here....   Also yesterday I got into an altercation with my father who is guilting me to death saying that I should let Jeremy move with me, that i should not expect him to pay rent that he was not born to support me. (He forgets how he made me pay rent when I was single, pregnant and too sick to hold down a job and had to get welfare to pay him). He said if I can’t afford the house without a paying roommate I needed to get a smaller house, I wrote him back and said he spends 50% of his money on tickets fines and court dates and 50% on booze and drugs but I will buy him a bus ticket to Ohio so he can bless you with is presence! It never ceases to hurt me that I have ZERO family support and encouragement. I have been put down, told I was going to hell, criticized and abandoned most of my life....no one believes me because they are such awesome church going people who help many others........charity begins at home I always heard.... But anyway....to further underline to me that I am making the right choice to NOT bring Jeremy with me now he came home drunk off his ass at midnight and woke me up, knocking stuff over, making a mess of my kitchen and being verbally abusive to me. It was like staring at my ex-husband 15 years ago and of course in my distress I made the huge mistake of getting upset with him and crying and saying he was turning out like Gus.......that’s not going to help sheeeseee No he needs help that I am not able to give to him and he won’t go get it till he hits his rock bottom-------its going to torture me to leave him behind but I must!   This morning I woke up to a message on My Space from Randy's "kid" the 18 yr old one I had sent the message to. He asked who I was and I replied sorry I made a mistake I got the wrong person, and since I had changed my blog link I knew he could get no information on me. I drove to work and recalled that I had an Inspiristone and Cassiescalendar link on my Myspace I had used to contact him so I tried to log in and delete the whole profile. No such luck with my antiquated work web browsers! I then wrote to Chris and begged her to do it for me, at first she was not able to and just when I was starting to think maybe it's meant to be she find out, have a fit and finally free Randy it worked and my profile was deleted and all the messages I sent. Wheewww close call. Nope if that woman is going to leave him, if his life is going to change its NOT going to be at my hands. Randy and all things related are also not getting packed in my basket....to confirm this to me The Outlaw Poet disappeared entirely from FB yesterday as well.....no more poetry from him to guide my Randy path.....then again the last entry was something about my tomorrow coming without him and he was out riding free........and I am sure he is, as always riding free, fast and alone........ *sigh*   So change is in the air........again I still don't know where I am going but I am determined to not take any old, worn out, unnecessary baggage with me on my journey to my new life. I need to be light and free and un-attached. I need to be un-encumbered so that I can be available to help others.....I need peace and light and love and warmth not stress and issues and I swear by my maker I will never ever live with an actively drinking alcoholic again! I don't drink and I don't want to suffer from its effects any longer.... I was reminded to not be alone this holiday season, to stay close to my friends and not isolate, this is going to be a lonely holiday for me, no family left for me at all. But that's ok, my earthly family may not be so kind to me but my heavenly family is and I have a family of loving friends, I have an invite for Thanksgiving dinner, my cousin and his boyfriend are taking me to see the Nutcracker in NYC on Christmas eve....and soon as I get in my new home I am going to decorate it for Christmas!   Today as you prepare for the up-coming holiday season go through your home and your heart and see what needs to be cleaned out from it and gotten rid of. We are coming to a time of light and love and family and we need to make room for the love that will soon be filling our hearts and our homes. We can't do that if we hoard what is no longer part of our truth of who we are now. We need to not let the past cloud the future, be loving and kind to everyone, but above all self nurture! Clean out the crap!   With Love and in the Light, Cassie Billy Joel - Movin' Out (Anthony's Song) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-UBpt1dya60

Indigo Girls - Closer To Fine

11-14-10 A Crooked Path is Fine

 11-14-10   A Crooked Path is Fine

New Beginnings that was my card for today and I woke up  feeling like it was a new day dawing. Jeremy was home the night before and asked me to wake him at 8:30 am but he got himself up and went out somewhere. He would not tell me where but my guess is he got some kind of community service slapped on him when he appeared in court on Wed. That's how he got out, they set up an appearance for the one he had not shown up for. I gotta say this whole town's judicial system, from the cops to the judges to the probation officers, know and look out for him. Reminds me some of the old days when it really was a village that raised a child, we need more thinking this way, especially with so many single parent households.... But anyway I was so glad to see him taking care of things and not worrying me with them, or trying to make me feel bad about not doing things for him. It's hard but I know he is going to get a sense of pride in himself for doing for himself and getting himself through this.

I had gone Saturday and looked at a couple of places in the town that I work in. At first this was very upsetting to me because I want to go to Keyport so badly, but I did actually find a place in a complex that will be available next weekend, and I can also rent a garage there as well. This made me feel better the thought of having all my things at one location rather than some with me and some at a storage facility in Flemington. Yep this is where I think I can hang for a year while my house sells if that be how this pans out , I can get my credit cards paid down some, and  shop for a new home....heck maybe I can even meet friends or even a new boyfriend there! I drove home feeling a bit better and got ready to go meet my friend Chris and go to Dave and Buster's to celebrate her daughter's birthday. Not having a daughter of my own I often "adopt" my friends daughters so I can buy girly things and give boy advice and such. She just started seeing a nice boy who's in the Navy so I made sure to give some encouragement on that. If I had my life to live over I would have joined the Air Force when I applied during one of my between college episodes (I got kicked out for a semester 3x for partying and getting bad grades) LOL I am sure I would have met a nice man and not ended up with a "bad boy"......but then again at 50 here I am still chasing bad boys instead of dating nice men......

Anyway Chris and I had a good time together as we always do, with the exception of one huge falling out not speaking to each other for nearly a year episode (mostly because of the idiot she was dating at the time LOL) we have been friends for over 10 years, she even went to Texas with me when my son graduated boot camp and we do plan to travel together someday.. Anyway we talked a lot about Randy as she had known him when I dated him 3 yrs ago...she reminded me why I left him then and said don't forget they are ex-es for a reason and it seems like he is still acting the same as before, putting play time before you, not showing up when you need him, all in all she helped me see I hadn't lost anything so great even though she too agreed we had a sort of destined to be together type relationship when it was good, it just wasn't dependable enough in times of trouble. I learned two other things that night one was I totally do not like noise and people (I had a real hard time with the noise level and people at the restaurant) and I have become addicted to my quiet, she said I wasn't going to like apartment living (she is a manager of a large complex) and I know I am not but hopefully I can tolerate it. We also talked about traveling together sometime soon and decided on Morocco, sounds so exotic doesn't it? I told her that since she has all these travel agent connections perhaps we can set up trips, host them together and get our vacations free using CassiesCalendar ..... I got a feeling I just figured out how to get to travel a lot on my budget .......screw Vermont there's a whole wide world out there!

So today I was happy and looking forward to the day, I made plans to meet my realtor in Keyport to look at a couple of apartments just because I wanted to cover all bases....well both of them were totally un-suitable but there also had been a cheap house, one that was very near the price range I was pre-approved to buy even now, before my house sells........so we went to see it and I like it, I really really do like it....and as I turn to go down my street I can see the bay! I drove down there and discovered that it ended up at a park, with a beach and in that park you can see the very same view of the boats and the bridge that I could see in my dream home on Sunrise, the one I wanted but lost.....this was way better for me than the yellow house too and cheaper! And better for me to have to walk to the view I like, instead of sitting on a deck...maybe someday when I am older, or marry someone who can help me buy it I can still get my dream house but for now this one is great. It's also bike riding distance to the Wawa (Jeremy works for wawa) so IF he'd pay some rent and not bring friends home he could possibly live with me and we'd get along, he'd even have a private entrance and there's a room for my reiki office too...so I told Mike  to see what he could do, ask them can I rent now and then buy it and see if they will wait till my house sells so that I don't have to touch my last 401K for a down payment....crossing my fingers... He's been such a great realtor, putting up with my spiritual predictions, standing there patiently while I figure out where in each house we looked at I would place my furniture, never complaining about my constant switching around. Yep he's a great realtor I want to buy something with him he deserves the commission if you are home shopping  contact Mike! There was a dead possum right next to were I parked my car but I think the kitty door in the garage door trumped that, I want a cat but I hate a smelly litter box in the house! Yep maybe just maybe I found my house....

I drove through town after leaving Mike and it's already decorated for Christmas down there, normally I don't much care for this so early but this time I appreciated it, it's so pretty and made me start thinking about how great it will be to decorate my new home this year no matter where I end up. I went to the fishery and got my favorite shrimp sandwich and pulled across the street to sit in my car and look at the bay and eat my dinner. I took a walk along the bulkhead and tossed an Inspiristone in and gave thanks to God for the water, my life, the possibilities before me.....I didn't feel one bit sad about seeing the couples sitting there eating their dinners or strolling hand in hand. I didn't miss Randy either, I know I made the right choice for me and I know I won't be calling him to come over, note even if I need help, I won't even be telling him wherever I end up living....nope he is an ex for a reason and I am not sad or mad I am glad because now I have possibilities, and he has his kids and his snowmobiles.....it really is true, to change your life all you really need to do is change your attitude! I smiled to myself a bit thinking of how stubborn I had been with my guides on Wednesday night at Melissa's but I know they were looking out for me but I think, I really do think we came up with a new plan that could work...

I don't yet where I am going to be moving , but I do know that I can just sit back now and leave this up to God and I know that I can be happy however this turns out.....a college friend posted this on his wall today:  Faith and trust = doing all in your power then getting out of the way so God can do the heavy lifting.........Ok God, I did my leg work, I put in my order and I am ready to trust you to wrap this up and move me into the home that I belong......

Today, even though your path may be quite crooked, leading you down so many dead ends, and back tracking and such can you have the faith and trust and patience in God to get you where you need to be? The less you seek to plan and define and the more you leave yourself open to possibilities the more he can work something truly special out for you......do not worry your path will always lead you home the question is how long will you wander until you learn to accept and be happy with the NOW..........

With Love and in the Light, Cassie

"The world cannot be discovered by a journey of miles, no matter how long, but only by a spiritual journey, a journey of one inch, very arduous and humbling and joyful, by which we arrive at the ground at our feet, and learn to be at home."- Wendell Berry, The Unforseen Wilderness

 Indigo Girls - Closer To Fine

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HUgwM1Ky228

GRATITUDE
If Life is the gift (and it is)...
then we must take all of it.
Loss is not a curse,
it is an opportunity.
If Life is the gift (and it is)...
then it is not so much what we
have gained or given up,
but how our heart has received it.
If Life is the gift (and it is)...
then we have been given a lifetime
to see that what lies before us and beyond us
should be embraced.
We are meant to have it all.
If Life is the gift (and it is)...
then accepting it with love is our
greatest present.

 

 

Cassie's Path Spring and Summer 2010

In case you missed the begining of my journey you can start here:

Cassie's Path Spring and Summer 2010
http://cassiespath1.blogspot.com/

Cassie's list of Truth's and Realities

Saving Truth from Falsehood and Envy, François Lemoyne, 1737

Wayyyy back in 97 when I got my first computer I started a word doc with all the little sayings I came across , I had 54 of them when I printed it out last....I kept it on an old floppy disk that has since gone obsolete and I don't know that I ever got it transferred over to disk. I will have to look for it when I move in...........but anyway I had printed it out at work and laminated back when I worked at Medarex and talked my boss into buying a laminator for the signs for the clean rooms...I went wild with that thing when he first got it for me, there's few things a finicky virgo like myself likes more than the ability to take paper and make it washable and free of tears or disfigurment LOL........but anyway......
I had printed and laminated one and hung it behind my dryer so that when I folded clothes I read these over and over to lock them into my mind. I had many a tennant also who told me they read them as they folded clothes, in getting ready to move my washer/dryer I found this list and decided to re-type it here for you all to share, it's a good list in my humble opinion. It got me through these 13 years of being a single mom, trying to make ends meet, hang onto a house, find new friends, look for love and basically just hang on.....I hope it helps you too.

1. The only constant thing is life is change.
2. Nothing lasts, not even pain.
3. You can't make anyone love you.
4. Only you can make you happy.
5. It really is better to have love and lost...
6. You can always do more than you think you can.
7. Don't wait for someone to give you flowers, grow a garden of your own.
8. No matter how hard you try, you can't help a hunchback find his most comfortable position to sleep in.
9. What does not destroy you makes you strong.
10. The difference between insanity and genius is success.
11. Buy land, they've stopped making it.
12. Time is the best teacher, unfortunatley it kills all it's students so don't wait till you got it just right just do it!
13. Love is not loved.
14. The purpose of life is to enjoy it.
15. Nothing if often a good thing to do and very often a good thing to say.
16. Setting an example is not best way to influence someone, it is the only way.
17. When we ask for advice we are really seeking an accomplice.
18. Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you.
19. The best way to predict the future is to invent it.
20. If you want to test a man's character, give him power.
21. Fill your heart with good things for it's the only thing you carry every place you go.
22. Discovery comes not from seeing new landscapes but from looking with new eyes.
23. Tell me who you admire and I will tell you who you are.
24. Complete forgiveness is memory without pain.
25. Life is made up of years that mean little and moments that mean all.
26. If you want to be respected you must respect yourself.
27. Common sense is instinct, enough of it is genius.
28. Only the madman is absolutely sure.
29. Immature men want to die nobly for a cause, mature men want to live humby for one.
30. If you choose not to decide you still have made a choice.
31. The only real mistake in life is the one not learned from.
32. Nobody is ever old untill the day dreams are replaced by regrets.
33. Never hold on because you are afraid to let go.
34. Absence is to love what wind is to fire- it extinguishes the small and enkindles the great.
35. Love the light for it shows the way, but endure the darkness for it shows you the stars.
36. The only time you should look down on someone is when you are bending over to help them up.
37. Courage is the judgment that something else is more important than fear.
38. Don't spend your life with someone you can live with, spend it with someone you can't live without.
39. When you love, love to the point of madness, it is the only sensible way.
40. When you are young you live for tommorow, when you are old you live for yesterday, when you are wise you live for today.
41. Love is never wrong.
42. You've got to dance like nobody's watching and love like it's never going to hurt.
43. Never stop believing in dreaming and never stop dreaming of believing.
44. Courage doesn't always roar, sometimes it's just the voice at the end of the day that says "I'll try again tommorow".
45. We find comfort among those who agree with us and we find growth among those who don't.
46. The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
47. Once you are real, you cannot be ugly-except to people who don't understand.
48. How will you know someone loves you if they meet only your expectations and not your needs.
49. Don't worry about the meaning of life, look for the meaning in life.
50. If I tell you, you will not know, you must learn for yourself.
51. To love someone is to learn the song in thier heart and sing it to them when they have forgotten.
52. Love is how we feel toward those who show us that which is loveable about ourselves.
53. Heartily know, when half-gods go, the gods arrive.  ~Emerson
54. The bitterest tears shed over graves were for words left unsaid or deeds left undone.......

the outlaw poet

Timothy Johnson surround your self with the forest and the trees..listen to a whipperwil calling his mate..walk barefoot through a meadow..swim in the serenity of a blue mountain stream..walk hand in hand with unconditional love....do these things....and touch the essense of life.......mornings are not for yesterday..its your time to walk a new..no matter the season of your life..even winter can have a summer sky..all you have to do is try..with the morning tide..you can fly................the outlaw poet

yes today i began a new life...

Timothy Johnson my door is always open my friend..i know you are lonely on your mountain top..and your life so cold from so little sunshine..below people talk and say so little..so dont worry if they dont call your name..rest your weary soul and youll be fine...give your love to the skys..you warm my heart with your light..rest your love by my side......the outlaw poet....ALL FRIENDS WELCOME COME JOIN ME

Timothy Johnson my hand me down jeans..are survivors from woodstock..my dads old 65 ford..can still rattle and rock..the viet nam war..still puts me in shock..but girl if you come knockin..dont bring me..no hand me down love..i want it new i want it real..not someone from your past to steal..dont give me..no hand me down love..........the outlaw poet

yep was a waste of my time trying to steal a love from my past....

Timothy Johnson should tomorrow come without me..go on living like youve never lived before..kiss the sunshine in the morning..follow the light through every open door..marvel at the sparrows as they fly..through blue skys of endless dreams..listen to the songs they are singing..swim gently in the water of lifes streams..should tomorrow come without me..feel the wind and know im free...........the outlaw poet

 

my tomorrow has come with out him and yes i will go on living like i never have before....

Broken-Lifehouse

11-11-10 Labor Pains

11-11-10 Well today was a very special energy day to create good new things in your life, let go of past and its also a high vibration day for soul mates. I took a very very big step to find mine. I really let go in a big way with not just words but a big action..... As you recall I deleted Randy from all my contacts on Friday...what I didn't tell you is that he called me from work on Friday night, and Tuesday night too.....reason for Friday was I had sent him an e-mail telling him to stay out of my world, but when he called I was napping and didn't have my reading glasses handy and I picked up. The heart strings were tugging big time.....then Monday when my son got picked up for the warrant that was out on him for not showing up to court I was frantic and all I wanted was a strong man to hold me and comfort me in this difficult time. So I texted him and asked him to come up (not telling him why)...he said sure, I said when and he said Tuesday.........but Tuesday he texted cant make it, when I asked why not and said I needed him, that Jeremy was in jail he called........said he was out with the guys Monday night drinking till 1am, then tonight the kids want to work on the snowmobiles....he promised to come over often once I moved down there and help me get moved in and fix stuff etc..... I didn't get too upset though, he was surprised at that too, the other thing I didn't tell you was when I was down there last Saturday looking for a rental I drove past his house to toss out an Inspiristone for his healing. I saw a house with garbage spilled out of a forgotten trash bag (he's too cheap to spring for garbage pick up), a fence falling down, a gutter falling off, that junker truck still there and in the yard a big fancy expensive snowmobile all ready for winter. Nope that man still at the age of 43 does not have his priorities straight, this is yet another reason why I left him 3 yrs ago and this is why he's not ready for me now.......and I am tired of wasting my life waiting. I had my mind all made up, but as I said Monday I was stressed Monday I needed someone, Monday I reached out to the only man I have let in since my ex-husband......and by the grace of God Randy didn't show up........ Wednesday morning rolls around and I am driving to work and thinking about the yellow house, and trying to set my heart on it. I prayed to God and gave him thanks that even though its not the one on Sunrise that made my heart sing, it was still a very nice home and I was very grateful for it. Thank you God for helping me, I am sorry if I don't show my gratitude well enough and please direct my steps in the best possible way for me to go I said. I got to work and was working with my Realtor to set things up with the house when he called back to let me know it feel through, the owner decided he did not want to rent to me unless I had a solid offer on the table from the township. I had just gotten off the phone with the township and she said they still want it, they are still working on it but they aren't ready yet, now they have the two appraisals they want to get a survey done (despite the fact that one is on file already) Ugh! It was just after that Randy texted me to check in on me, the Jeremy situation and the house situation. I explained that Jeremy had not called me so I was not able to assist in getting his check and bailing him out, and I lost the house......he offered sympathy on both points and said I would find something soon.....no I think I am not meant to come down there I texted........sure you are sure you are don't give up he texted........no and that's when I told him I saw his place and I realize he is not the man I feel in love with 3 yrs ago I was trying to look at the past and the signs I think were wrong, I don't belong with you.....I let out quite a bit for a text message........I went to lunch with Sonya, a good friend from the last location I worked and when we caught up her reply was: He doesn't have his priorities straight forget  him you deserve better. When I got back to my desk and saw he had not replied it didn't hurt that much. That evening after work I went to see Melissa, this amazingly great new Reiki master that I met and did one heal your heart workshop with. Beth has been ill and I wanted to branch out and God sent me Melissa..........Well the session was amazing, painful, gut wrenching but cleansing.......not for the weak of heart let me tell you! Healing Hands Glowing Hearts is the name of her practice if you are in NJ you really should give her a try:Healing-Hands-Glowing-Hearts Anway, we started off the session by just sitting and talking and that's when my guides started coming through to her. So much information! I am sure I won't get it all in but in essence they said they are the ones who keep blocking these house because they don't want me by Randy who keeps sticking pins in my heart! They confirmed that he is my soul mate and we belong together I am the one who makes his hear sing BUT he only has one foot in and one foot out, he is this good loving wonderful man that I know but he also has a dark side on this other half (I recalled his jester costume for Halloween) She said he needs to heal the darkness in him but he is not asking them for help, he is not choosing to heal now so he is staying the way he is. They said if I let him go and I let myself heal that I will have my pick of several very good men, that I deserve so much more.. They also said that he is not being totally honest with me about the woman he lives with, she doesnt love him he doesnt love her but they have a commitement, she likes being able to tell the people at work she has someone even if at home she doesnt want to be around him. But they said he likes it this way, unlike me who loved him and wanted him to be with me she never cares if he comes home. They said I am meant to live in Keyport and heal the waters like I said but first I must heal myself and I must get an apartment temporarily. They said my house wont sell till I get out of it either because Gus is holding onto me. Speaking of Gus that is when he came around and said he was watching over Jeremy and he was his problem to work on now not mine. I was a good mother I had done all I can but I was right to not bail him out and let him wait till his paycheck came on wed. His friends did get him out and he is staying there, he came home while I was at work to eat and get clothes but he's not answering his phone for me. Gus and my guides said I am not to take him with me, he is 20 he can survive that I did my job and I need to heal myself now. I can't begin to tell you the pain of having to walk away from a son, your youngest your joy....your only family really that you are close to. But they said he does not belong in my basket now, that he would find me later on when he is whole. Next they went on about what a great loving light I am but I don't care for myself enough. I need to love myself and think I am beautiful. Thats when I started wailing about being fat, that I try so hard to eat right but then I get stressed and sad and I crave cookies. They said 2 cookies 20 cookies so what I should eat them, they said heck we will bake some for you! When you get through this time you will go back to making healthier food choices. Its true too..... Then I went back to wailing about Keyport, I said please let me go there I SWEAR I wont speak to Randy but they we firm and said I need to go to a temporary place to heal and once I am over him then I can move there. I am stubborn and I argued some back and forth but by golly spirit guides are way more stubborn let me tell you! Poor Melissa, all this channeling and she was stuck in the middle of it!  I told her that I think he was meant to move in that house with me on Sunrise but the next day he was meant to tell the kids about me when he was trying on the wet suit I gave him and he decided not to---at that moment I lost that house, and the gut wrenching sobs came from me as the guided confirmed to her that I was right. I cried so hard and told her I got invited down I followed the signs that were put there for me and when I arrived I got the door slammed in my face. And worst of all Randy doesn't even understand my pain! I sobbed till my sides ached and she comforted me and Finally she gave me my treatment, and she promised to send me distance Reiki every day and have me back soon... So....I went home and to bed exhausted and woke up with a strong mix of feelings. I showered and I got and idea......I went to Randys YouTube and sent a message to the kid (he had one of his videos favorited) and sent my blog link and said tell your mother to read this and to keep a tighter reign or she's going to loose her home. My intention there was two fold, one I knew that woman would rip him a new one so bad he would never ever ever contact me again, and two I felt she had a right to know about all his sneaking around. I know when he was with me and kept talking to his ex-gf behind my back I knew but I never knew all the truth. Yep I did a good thing I thought to myself.......until I told my gal pals about it and they pointed out to me how much pain that could cause, and I really hadn't meant to hurt anyone , not even Randy I was only trying to protect myself. In the end I decided to change my blog links, delete all my blogs off my business website and hide everything. So she will get a message but she wont see anything and I am sure he can convince her it was nothing...we women have a tendency to be convinced into believing lies when the truth is too hard to face.... All in all though I realize that I settled for all this because I STILL don't love myself enough. I still look at myself and I just see a fat woman, who is beautiful on the inside but I know that most men will never look past my outside... Its so sad really, tonight is the wake and tomorrow is the funeral of a woman I me when I first started doing social events 10 yrs ago, she is just a year older than I and had weight problems that got so bad she ended up getting that gastric bypass surgery. I could be wrong but I feel that contributed to her early death at the age of only 51. Its so sad, we eat and put on weight because we want love and then the fat keeps people away from us....then we do all kinds of things to try and loose it. I loved Randy because he was one of few men who looked at me and thought I was beautiful, but in the end he thought I was beautiful because he didn't have much self esteem for himself to try for someone more athletic. Beth and I decided to post pone the Attract Your Soulmate workshop...I did finish my vision board, or well I may add a few tiny things but its pretty much done. It will bring me someone again but first I must do one of the biggest steps, I keep saying it, I keep thinking I have it, but in the end I keep seeing that I don't......I don't love the me that I see when I see myself. If I am going to teach this I am going to have to do this! Oh what a painful painful difficult time this has been for me, so much suffering, sometimes I burst into sobs so hard I can't breathe! I commented today to Beth that I feel like I am in labor and I am trying so hard to give birth to to a new life but despite the length and the pain of my labor it's not here yet. She said this is how it is for many of us right now, to just relax and breath and let it come forth...... Ya easy for her to say, she doesn't know me, BOTH my boys I went through full labor and in the end went into distress and had to have emergency C-sections! Yep letting go of what's hurting me has always been hard for me........but I swear someway somehow I am going to let go now....this is my last holding on to you song I am going to sing...(and as I listen to it even now it seems so silly all this crying all this pain)....I am birthing a new life tomorrow.... Today take a look at what hurts you that you are still hanging onto......its time to end this labor and push out that new life you've been growing for yourself.....just sit back, relax....take deep breaths and let go.....(don't fight it and wind up getting a c-section!) lol.......let go and let God bring you your miraculous new life...... With Love and In The Light,  Cassie Broken-Lifehouse http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sSRg8CTc8m0