Friday, March 18, 2011
3-18-11 Moon powered Manifesting!
3-18-11 Moon powered Manifesting!
So are you ready for it? The HUGE super moon this weekend? This is truly the time to let go of the past that did not serve you and bring in what you been asking for. Me I have asked the universe for three things: a new home, a promotion (or more income somehow), and a man! Hey I don't always order this big but truly these three things I need! LOL
Monday night I was talking to a friend and I told her out loud that I had decided I really wanted the house in town on 2nd street, at first I had a few doupts but my realtor was right it was just some cosmetic stuff that I could handle and it had helped me to make a steal of an offer on the place. It wasnt 3 min after that I got a text from him asking for some documents for the bank to go with my offer! I e-mailed my lawyer and CCed the banks realtor. I got a little distressed when I found out he hadn't sent everything in yet though but driving to work the next day I was praying about it and peace came over me that it was in gods hands. I also got brave at work and applied for an open position that required a degree that I don't have therefore I can't apply for it through the usual channels BUT I have done everything they ask and I have held a title that high at my consulting agency job so what the heck you don't make any of the shots you don't take right? Maybe my house thing is waiting on a promotion for me, that would get me a better interest rate if my income was higher...
Tuesday I was all happy too about having registered my new website cassiescooperative.com I have big plans for this! I found a picture that I like (for some reason I am fixated on sunsets and purple skys over the water these days) I called Mary and we arranged to meet for dinner so she could introduce me to her friend who does websites. I don't really know why but I am having anxiety over choosing someone to do this. I guess because I see it as a money maker and I know I need to get someone I can trust. My biggest desire is to find a way to support myself outside of corporate america, make helping people my full time job. My last webmaster clamied to do all this work and I gave him reduced rent and he did very little and only after much begging. I am also still raw from the fall out of my social network friends whom I was trying to work with so we could all make some money together. I am one who will share everything that I have because I know God blesses us when we give and its my nature, but I often find myself being taken advantage of, and enabling people to be dependent. There's a big difference between putting your hand out to help someone up and actually carrying them for a long time. But anyway Mary and I talked much about my idea and she really likes it and thinks I can help others very much with this and make some income. I am going to give my webmaster a percentage to work for free, if this turns out to be the money maker I anticipate this is a true gift for them, one that God needs to show me who is worthy and will honor this gift and have my same philosophies.
We also talked about Randy because he is never far from my thoughts. I asked her do you think he still reads my blog? She said he would read anything I wrote but he may not be able to find it now that it's moved (Randy's not the sharpest tool online) I asked her how it looks for this to turn out and if she sees a time frame for her leaving him, she didn't know when but she said once I am down there and he feels secure that I am staying he will come over more and more till he just decides to stay with you and get her to go. I said well I am not sleeping with him till she's gone maybe he won't come around, she said he will and he will help you do repairs he so loves to be with you when he can. But are you still looking for someone and I said yes, she said good, and go out down there because I still see someone better coming for you and you will have to choose. I told her I am open to whatever happens. I then went home and as I was folding my laundry my little voice said: Why does Randy deserve you? And you know what I couldn't think of any reason..........huummmmm Not how he's been this time anyway, yep since he didnt take me when I freely offered IF there's another chance he's going to have to work for it....he'll have to do the inner healing he's been running from all his life.
Wednesday morning I had to go pick up Jeremy and take him to work with me because he had an unemployment meeting in Somerville the next day. He of course called me at 9pm to tell me this and that he had no ride, remember how it feels when they are in 1st grade and they say they need x y or z for class tommorow, at bedtime? This is the same feeling only you're older and more tired. LOL But I got him, took him to the office, got him breakfast and worked a bit than ran him over, I barely got back to my desk and he texted he was done. Grrrr In the end I took a half day and finally acted on something my little voice had nagged me to do for some time but fear of money kept me from it, Buy him another bike. Not that he deserves one but he does need one and I told him if he keeps it 5 yrs and doesnt wreck it break it or get it stolen its a gift, otherwise he has to pay me back. I feel good about this though and I just have to trust god to help me pay these credit cards somehow. This is how I spent my life raising these boys alone but money always came.... See him below with his new bike, oh and he managed to get my bike rack from a friends house who took it from me three years ago....we may both be loading up our bikes and taking them someplace fun to ride. I was so inspired by all this I made a new group called Biking Buddies.
Thursday I had work and spent some time talking to my realtor and getting the ball rolling on a lot of things with the house. Since this is bank owned I have to get the C of O myself so I told him to get a list of what I need to do and to ask if we can go in early, fix what we need to fix then call them to inspect because I cant pay twice and I have no place to live while waiting for it. He didnt think they would agree but I told him it was pretty much a deal breaker. He asked and they agreed! See I tell you it never hurts to ask! I also got a call from Anthony, my buddy who teaches the Improv classes. I have been considering him as a webmaster for CassiesCoOperative but didnt want to put my idea in print....well he was quite intrigued and I said I would give him 25% of profits. I know he thinks like me because he isn't greedy he also wants to help the planet and heck he's read lots of Edgar Cayce so I know he thinks like me. But he doesnt act like me, he's slow and methodical and through and does things right where as I am like someone with ADD all personality out there but its good we need both for this and I told him how next week I am meeting someone who has a spiritual radio show..... Anthony also said he thought I really had something good with the SpiritStones, he said he put the pouch of them we gave him on a shelf above where he always sits and nothing but positive things have been happening in his life since then. He said its a shame your business partner kept them all and I said yeah well I hope they are working on him and he said maybe he's over there tripping on the energy and I said yeah perhaps a real magical mystery tour! hahaha. I must confess I have been quite angry for him keeping all the product I paid for and assembled and I am so upset with myself for being tricked this way, I even gave his checks to deposit from my insurance company! But you know what its time to let all that go and forget about it and trust in the universe to bring me back something to replace the time and money I spent. I still am going to pass out the few stones I have left and someday I can buy more and start over with this business.
So there are my things. A new home, more income, a man to love me and share my path....I hope to birth these things into being this spring and into the summer and in order for these things to come to me I must let go of the past........good bye to my home by the river, let go of the stones, let go of my fear of speaking up at work, let go of wanting Randy to be my life partner and just accept him peacefully as a casual friend. I am going to get to or do a full moon ritual this weekend, the plan is to go down to Keyport and do it there and transfer my energy from here to there....and next week is the spring equinox! Time to change!
Today focus on what you need to let go of and what you want to bring into your life.........the powers and the energies are so very strong right now......don't waste them.......think wisely........focus on what you want and don't give a second thought to what you do not want....
With Love and in the Light, Cassie
Sheryl Crow - "A Change Would Do You Good"
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
3-14-11 The Circle of Life
3-14-11 The Circle of Life
We are approching a full moon and the vernal equinox, a new spring is upon us a new cycle of life after our long winters rest...are you ready to bloom and grow?
Thursday night I didn't end up having dinner with Mary as the roads were flooding and she couldn't make it up, much as I love my dinners with Mary this probaly was God's way of answering my prayer I made earlier in the day to please help me to get my blog finished, my newsletter sent and my bills paid after work tonight. LOL Dustin also called me too and we got to talk awhile which doesn't happen often- we talked for a good while too till we hit the area where we disagree on religion. It was going along so well, we found many ways where we do agree, he seemed interested in my newest business for the people idea that I have too. All was well till we got to the part where I said just please don't preach to Jeremy what a sinner he is, he needs to know God's love in order to come to him, and he is perfect child of god who's just made some wrong choices, he is not a sinner no one is a sinner. Well that ruffled his feathers and he left me with a question to ponder: If there are no sinners then why did Jesus come and die for our sins? Ahh but there he went back to thinking that I think the bible we read today is still the word of God that he sent for us.....my faith is that Jesus lived and died for US, to show us how it works, not to pay a price for our karmic depts, that is our OWN dept to pay not anyone elses...after all if it worked that way we could frolic and sin and God could keep sending down people to die for us over and over and much like spoiled children we would never learn anything now would we? At least that's my thinking on the subject... He also bashed my Reiki ties on his facebook page, he thinks its some sort of mumbo jumbo that goes against God...for that one I yelled at him and told him to not bash what he knows nothing about. I told him that it was after I took Jeremy for his first treatment on the full moon at Christmas time that he started his path of healing and change and its true! Oh when will we learn to not bash what we do not understand?
Friday night I had an event that was dissapointing, I had planned something special in Princeton, drove all the way down 206 in horrendous rush hour traffic, ate dinner alone and then sat in the cold waiting for the 12 people who said they were coming.......one came. Yup one, and I would think it was me if not for the fact that the other organizers have the same problems, people RSVP yes then change their minds and don't bother to tell us. And then they say oh well make the pre-pay then they will come, but no that doesnt work either because they all sit around waiting to see who will sign up before they decide to sign up like they are in Jr high! Are you feeling my frustration here? Don't get me wrong I have been so blessed to be such a good networker and to bring so many people together, and I stil want to do it some but seriously peoples behavior seems to be get increasingly self centered. But......for saturday night I teamed up with another organizer and posted her event on my groups, we did dinner and Karaoke and I must say we had a blast! I think at least half the people who came did so from my groups, and they joined hers too so we shared and there was one moment that really touched my heart that night. I don't know how many of you have been reading my blog since the start but if you recall, about this time last year I sold my first set of SpiritStones, on MardiGras weekend, at a Karaoke event! It had been a day of firsts for me, the first time I tried Improv , the first time I sang Karaoke and the fist set of stones that I sold. Well anyway the woman who bought that first set from me was there, and I must say this has been a year of transformation for her as well. She pulls out her lavender satin pouch and says Cassie I am down to my very last stone, I gave them all out and I want you to have the last one and keep it very safe and never loose it. I took it from her and saw that it was the clear crystal one, the most powerful one of all. So what I had given out came full circle back to me....I may have lost my business partner and all the stones, bags and scrolls I paid for to start the business but the spirit I created when I set off on this path has remined true. I took the stone greatfully knowing that it would form a bond between us forever and I said oh wait you forgot to put your intention for me into the stone and she said oh no no I didn't forget.....I asked for something very very special for you....she didn't tell me what but I believe it is something very special...
Sunday I was feeling a little under the weather, and it was the "spring forward" weekend so I had lost an hour of sleep. I talked to a few friends and I spent a lot of the day reflecting on the past year and how much I have grown and how much I have yet to do and a bit about what I want to do next. The news stories of the earthquake and tsunami in Japan was all over the message boards, and I even saw one of the possiblity that Atlantis had been found! I reflected on the conversation I had with Mary the day before on how upset I am with myself that I keep thinking about Randy so much this week, she told me that she thinks he's trying to contact me energetically, that he misses me and it really would serve me to get past my anger over him chosing to be with her. She encouraged me to message him so I decided to on this day and I texted: Do you know any body who is a handy man and can do some work for me cheap for cash? (he had offered to help me but I figued now I won't have sex with him anymore he won't help me) He texted back: No...........I was going to let it go but my voice egged me on so I asked: If I pay you will you help me? I braced myself for the rejection........his reply came: Sure. I felt relieved and happy to see that we probably can salvage a friendship out of all this. I love him and I can't make that go away no matter how much anger and indignation I try and bury it under, and while he has chosen to live his life with her and her kids I know he loves ME. We have come full circle, back to where we started off as friends when he first messaged me last spring, all he said he wanted was a friend with benifits it was I who tried to make it more than he wanted, I am glad that I came to accept him this way......some people come into your life and stay awile but then there are some people who stay not one but through other lives as well.....I belive he and I share such a bond. I can't give my body to him anymore while he has another "wife", I can't hurt myself that way anymore, but forever I know our souls are meshed. So no matter who ends up coming along and marrying me one of these days I can honor the friendship Randy and I have and not feel sad that he doesn't want me to be his wife.
I also talked to my buddy a bit on sunday, he confessed to me that he broke up with his girlfriend and he felt really bad about it for hurting her but he just wasnt feeling it. I saw this coming and frankly wondered what took him so long to do this. Sometimes I wonder why he and I maintain our friendship because it is a very passionate one, we fight often but we always make up again, it even began the day of a huge altercation, actually the day that i first "invented" the concept of my SpiritStones, he was the inspiration for them! I marveled how far he had come these two years since then and how our friendship had so many rocky times but we survived. He truly has a desire to help others to grow and evolve and also with a weight loss plan he has been succesful at. He was up to 300lbs at one time and now he wants to guide me through his plan so I can lose my weight. I think I can help him help others too. He's also going to be getting a boat and is very happy that the new home I bid on is 3 blocks from a boat dock...we happily made plans of weekend long boating parties, biking trips and BBQs at my place this summer....
This weekend we get another full moon and not only that but it's going to be VERY close to the earth, some scientists are predicting all kinds of natural disasters. I think we have already have been having plenty of those already this year! I just wonder if anyone's going to pay attention? It's time to come full circle people, you've had time to walk your paths and learn your lessons and make your mistakes and come into your own growth in your own time but now the universe is shaking herself like a wet dog, shivering from what we have done to her, preparing for a new cycle that is to come.......we must raise ourselves up to go with it or we will be washed away...... In an intentions workshop with my shaman a few years ago I got a message that I would be 50 and planning my wedding.......well my 50th year is halfway gone, and I have no idea who it's going to be but I know that I am going to marry someone.......my king is coming soon I must be ready....
Today I want you to reflect on the circle of your past year and see if it took you to the point that you wanted to be? Of if you just ended up back where you started a little older, a little more weary but none the wiser and still the same? Reflect on that a bit this week and prepare yourself for the full moon this weekend and its extra added punch of energy, think about what you want to release that did not serve you and what you want to bring to your life in its place.......me as I complete my cirlce I just want to love. love. love love LOVE!.......and see what this next cycle of the year will bring me.....
With Love and in the Light, Cassie
Lion King - Circle of Life
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vX07j9SDFcc
It's the Circle of Life
And it moves us all
Through despair and hope
Through faith and love
Till we find our place
On the path unwinding
In the Circle
The Circle of Life
"Once the torch that we carry to illuminate the way to our destiny is lit, we must surround ourselves not by people who will judge us negatively and smother our flame, but by people who will walk beside us and help us carry our torch when our arms become tired... " ~Debi Hebel
Outlaw Poet .....yearning for his love like i am...
Timothy Johnson
Timothy Johnson
waiting for my soul mate to open his eyes and come find me...........I was promised I'd be planning a wedding when I was 50.....my 50th year is halfway gone.......
Thursday, March 10, 2011
3-10-11 Everything Happens for a Reason
3-10-11 Everything Happens for a Reason
Well we all hear this phrase said but do you belive it every time? If not you should......it really is something you ought to write down somewhere and never forget it.
Sunday afternoon I had my Singles Improv class that I set up with Anthony to help the people of my singles group who are shy about talking and mingling. My little voice kept nagging me to ask Jeremy to go but I kept arguing that no he would not want to to go, its a long day, I want to go to mass first , I can't afford to buy him dinner........in the end my voice won (it can be really relentless sometimes, don't know why I even bother to argue! LOL) and to my amazement he said yes! So off we went and I had NO idea how he would react but he actually was very good! We had a good day and a nice dinner at the diner together on the way home. I also think we are onto something with this idea....Anthony said that he was truly good and he should take a real class, driving home we went through Rutgers and he told me how kewl he thinks that place is as once he rode his bike there with his friend.......this is what my son needs.....
Monday was back to work and same old same old there, we have another new postiton to fill and now they are talking about posting outside the company, doesn't look like they are going to promote me so I am going to end up doing what I always have to do and that is get another job someplace else to move up. This happens to me so much because I do a good job and they get comfortable having me there doing that job they don't want to replace me.......dumb move on thier part because I sit quietly , working hard, taking on more responsiblitity, nose to the grind stone only for so long w/o due compensation and promotion. It's very imporant to recognize your value and if you are in a job that they don't pay you want you are worth you really do a diservice to yourself by not speaking up and getting that raise or promotion that is due you. Conversely if you are paid well and don't give accordingly trust me karma will catch up to you sooner or later on that....so I have set out to apply for other positions with a higher pay grade....we will see where fate takes me...
Tuesday night I got a call and my good buddy and assitant event organizer wanted to meet me for dinner, said he had a good business idea. So I met him and he bought me dinner which was nice and he talked about his idea for buying and marketing vitamin supplements to help people lose weight, he had been up to 300 lbs at one point in his life after his divorce but he has slimmed down a great deal due to this plan of his. He had nagged me the week before big time to get on his diet but I told him I was too stressed right now to try this. He at fiirst thought it was just and excuse but we did manage to communicate and he agreed I should get the move under my belt before I try this. I happily reported to him though that I had decided to go back to my doctor and get on welburtin again, it had helped me kick the smoking habit several years ago and also helped me curb the stress eating too. Now you will find with me that I don't much believe in medications, as I tell my Doctor when she chastises me for not taking my blood pressure meds when I work for J&J: I make em I don't take em! LOL But seriously while natural and holistic methods are prefferd I do believe mondern traditional medicine is also called for at sometimes. I do plan to start off with the Welbutrin to help me and once I loose some of this weight and can be more active I can realy on the natural endorphins to kick in and help me. So stay tuned for this, if he does this we will work togehter and market and sell his product and dieet phillosophy. It also got me even more fired up for another idea that I have and I contacted Manu, my web hosting site to see if he wanted to partner up on a project.....stay tuned....
Wednesday night Jeremy had court and asked me to drive him there, it was for the charge back in the summer when he stole my car and I let them search it because we thought they took it to NYC to buy drugs...(they did take it to NYC to do what remains a mystery) anyway they had found a pipe and a small amount of weed that actually was mine, I don't smoke anymore only a couple of times at my BBQ's and event then I don't like to, gives me the muchies and makes me too horny! haahaha So of course I had forgotten that was in there when I said sure search my car! Needless to say my son was angry for having to "take the rap" for this as he had managed to always elude such scenarios despite his heavy indulgence. He did see the reasoning that I could lose my job over such a charge and HE did actually take MY car......But he was angry when I picked him up for court... We also go into it because I had posted a link on his facebook page about the Mayan calendar shift for 3-9-11 and Dustin had posted and started calling me a fool and condeming my beliefs and saying that what Jeremy needed was Jesus. I said Jeremy needs to know Gods love and to know all faiths. Jeremy said he wanted to learn about all things and make up his OWN mind and I liked that one, but I told him don't you EVER let them make you belive you are a sinner....you are a perfect child a creation of God who's just made some wrong choices and gone down a few wrong paths......all ya gotta do is say I am sorry, pay your dues and try a different path.... I did promise to not fight with his brother on his facebook page, as he said I am the mother after all and I gotta be the bigger person and stand down. My heart is so saddened though by my older boys chosen path of faith that teaches him to condem all others, but I must just keep praying for him and at least be glad that he has a faith.
Anway court went fast and I was still awake to go back and pick him up, I had told him to pray for a ride home and God would get him one and he did! (In our township court goes well past midnight becuse they write so many charges these days) All Jeremy got was probation, and a fiine, there's always a fine. He has to go for counseling and a drug check once a month. I told him see you do wrong and its just a question of money and time to pay it back. Yeah he says and you know this is probably good for me cuz it will make me cut way back on how much I use, that has gotten out of hand. Good then I said, and I knew then this all happned for a reason........he is street smart that bugger he probably never would have gotten a drug charge and he NEEDED a drug charge if that makes any sense to any one out there. I reacalled back on that night last august and I prayed Dear God help me help my son-------and woke up to my car being stolen.......my friend Victor had said then to trust in God that there would be a reason for to this and he was right and miraculosly both of us could see it too! I drove Jermy home then and we talked more about him going to Keyport with me and making a fresh start, I did tell him though please keep in mind its temporary, I need you to come down and get established and get your own place........I Love you so much Jeremy but I like you so much more now that we don't live together and he nodded that he agreed, still its good to have each other we take care of each other......sunday I am taking him and his roomate to my church with me and then I am taking them to the St patricks Day parade.........
I also talked to Mary last night and am meeting her for dinner tonight, she checks in on me now and again. I told her how I placed a Craigslist ad for hiking/motorcyle and Randy texted me and I yelled at him, I then placed and ad for Sandy Hook partner but only one guy wrote, asked me a few questions then blew me off, I yelled at him too....I asked Mary if she sensed it was someone Randy put up to writing me and she felt that it was....I reflected then on the third and last ad about Geocashing I had posted and got no respones and I wondered why I had been inspired to post them. Then I reflected on the big energy shift that happend these past few days and the full moon soon to come with extremely powerful energies....I think they wanted me to post those to make him miss me and make him pray to God to fix this situation-- like I told him at Christmas time-- so you don't know how to solve this God does know, all you have to do is ASK for his help.......yes I think I was inspired to post those for that reason.......then again I am thinking too much I should just allow to happen whatever happens and know God will make it right for me one way or another...
Today I want to remind you that yes EVERY THING REALLY DOES HAPPEN FOR A REASON. No matter how bad things look, something good really can come out of it........keep the faith my friends keep the faith.........
With Love and in the Light, Cassie
todays song is for my Jeremy, cuz he's so gangsta.. ;)
For A Reason - Joe Budden
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZiwvIhTewTYChorus:
Lookin back on the things ive done
everything happens for a reason
life is somethin u learn from
everything happens for a reason
i gotta make a confession theres nothin im regretting
lifes a valuable lesson to have to pull out a weapon
so dont make me
life is something u learn from
everything happens for a reason
Joey B, you know me B
It's the nigga that would tryn' get the blow on GP
It's the nigga in the hood on the low G3
It's the nigga some niggaz want so does he please
Is it 'cause he make the flow look so easy
Or do he sit and count up all the dough that he see
Or do they wanna prove they OG and use me
To get the guns out, sending him to ODB
But what I ever did to a nigga? Aside give to a nigga
Try to show the big pic to a nigga
But I can't conclude how some niggaz conclude
That the world is too small for them to live with a nigga
I don't regret dude trying me, dude keeping that eye on me
Then they gotta live with this thing called irony
And if I gotta live with the idea reminding me
Then they can't live when the iron's on me, yeah!
Chorus:
Lookin back on the things ive done
everything happens for a reason
life is somethin u learn from
everything happens for a reason
i gotta make a confession theres nothin im regretting
lifes a valuable lesson to have to pull out a weapon
so dont make me
life is something u learn from
everything happens for a reason
Things just ain't the same for gangstas
And so I bear my soul, my pain, my anger
I beg to the Lord, keep me far from mo' danger
Look I know 'em but can't see 'em, he's a popular stranger
If I never got stabbed, wouldn't remember Veronica's wrath
Standing in the shower looking at the scab
I wouldn't know the hints of a stick-up kid
If I ain't have that short stint as a stick-up kid
If dude never tried to kill me, I mighta went numb
To all the bullshit that goes on where I'm from
And if I never went to jail, wouldn't needed a bail
Woulda probly went on to graduate from Yale
Woulda been a prosecutor standing in the court of law
But then that goes against everything he stands for
And if I never met Glo, how would I really know
All the shit that comes with, when you dealing with a ho
See it is what it is to be
Or it is what it is, at least that's what it is to me
And so if I could ever go back in history
I wouldn't change shit, I'd leave it all just to be
And if my first album woulda did five when it dropped
I'd be chillin, instead of tryna' rise to the top
If I could reverse the roles, would I reverse the roles?
Would it be worth it to try to reverse the tolls?
Chorus:
Lookin back on the things ive done
everything happens for a reason
life is somethin u learn from
everything happens for a reason
i gotta make a confession theres nothin im regretting
lifes a valuable lesson to have to pull out a weapon
so dont make me
life is something u learn from
everything happens for a reason
I got a brother always keeps it real, his name's Guilt
Let's me know I can't stand however it is I feel
I got a cousin named Pride, nigga acts like a lawyer
Gotta a sister named Karma, I be tryna' avoid 'er
Gotta ex that's bitter, wants me to be her nigga
Hates my girl Self-Pity 'cause I'm always with her
But bitter's beef is valid, she don't like shorty 'cause she use me
One time she seen 'er verbally abuse me
Got a friend that's passive, friends call him Passive
He just says whatever hoping that shit passes
My Uncle Hindsight wears real thick glasses
Reminds me of where I been and how shit gets drastic
Got a Aunt named Humility, she speaks low mumbles
Don't care that I'm a rapper she keeps me so humble
In my head I'll debate it, outloud I'll never say it
I'm pretty sure it's a good reason we all related
Lookin back on the things ive done
everything happens for a reason
life is somethin u learn from
everything happens for a reason
i gotta make a confession theres nothin im regretting
lifes a valuable lesson to have to pull out a weapon
so dont make me
life is something u learn from
everything happens for a reason
Joey B, you know me B
It's the nigga that would tryn' get the blow on GP
It's the nigga in the hood on the low G3
It's the nigga some niggaz want so does he please
Is it 'cause he make the flow look so easy
Or do he sit and count up all the dough that he see
Or do they wanna prove they OG and use me
To get the guns out, sending him to ODB
But what I ever did to a nigga? Aside give to a nigga
Try to show the big pic to a nigga
But I can't conclude how some niggaz conclude
That the world is too small for them to live with a nigga
I don't regret dude trying me, dude keeping that eye on me
Then they gotta live with this thing called irony
And if I gotta live with the idea reminding me
Then they can't live when the iron's on me, yeah!
Chorus:
Lookin back on the things ive done
everything happens for a reason
life is somethin u learn from
everything happens for a reason
i gotta make a confession theres nothin im regretting
lifes a valuable lesson to have to pull out a weapon
so dont make me
life is something u learn from
everything happens for a reason
Things just ain't the same for gangstas
And so I bear my soul, my pain, my anger
I beg to the Lord, keep me far from mo' danger
Look I know 'em but can't see 'em, he's a popular stranger
If I never got stabbed, wouldn't remember Veronica's wrath
Standing in the shower looking at the scab
I wouldn't know the hints of a stick-up kid
If I ain't have that short stint as a stick-up kid
If dude never tried to kill me, I mighta went numb
To all the bullshit that goes on where I'm from
And if I never went to jail, wouldn't needed a bail
Woulda probly went on to graduate from Yale
Woulda been a prosecutor standing in the court of law
But then that goes against everything he stands for
And if I never met Glo, how would I really know
All the shit that comes with, when you dealing with a ho
See it is what it is to be
Or it is what it is, at least that's what it is to me
And so if I could ever go back in history
I wouldn't change shit, I'd leave it all just to be
And if my first album woulda did five when it dropped
I'd be chillin, instead of tryna' rise to the top
If I could reverse the roles, would I reverse the roles?
Would it be worth it to try to reverse the tolls?
Chorus:
Lookin back on the things ive done
everything happens for a reason
life is somethin u learn from
everything happens for a reason
i gotta make a confession theres nothin im regretting
lifes a valuable lesson to have to pull out a weapon
so dont make me
life is something u learn from
everything happens for a reason
I got a brother always keeps it real, his name's Guilt
Let's me know I can't stand however it is I feel
I got a cousin named Pride, nigga acts like a lawyer
Gotta a sister named Karma, I be tryna' avoid 'er
Gotta ex that's bitter, wants me to be her nigga
Hates my girl Self-Pity 'cause I'm always with her
But bitter's beef is valid, she don't like shorty 'cause she use me
One time she seen 'er verbally abuse me
Got a friend that's passive, friends call him Passive
He just says whatever hoping that shit passes
My Uncle Hindsight wears real thick glasses
Reminds me of where I been and how shit gets drastic
Got a Aunt named Humility, she speaks low mumbles
Don't care that I'm a rapper she keeps me so humble
In my head I'll debate it, outloud I'll never say it
I'm pretty sure it's a good reason we all related
Sunday, March 6, 2011
3-6-11 Cleansing and Healing
We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.
The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come.
- Joseph Campbell
The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come.
- Joseph Campbell
3-6-11 Cleansing and Healing
Well I have really been working on the healing since last I posted...I have much to share.......
Thursday after work I was supposed to meet a friend for prayer and walking and that feel through, I was glad though as I was tired , cold and hungry. Sitting in the park I went through my coupons and realized my Friday's one was about to expire, so I called my son Jeremy to see if he wanted me to take him to dinner. Buy one get on free I figured I could splurge and he did deserve it for all the work he had done for me the day before cleaning out the tenants side of the house. We had a good chat and I talked about the house I was going to go look at , he said he feels I am going to get it and it would be smart as it has two rentable bedrooms plus a den I could rent also and he said if he comes with me he'd live in the basement. He comforted me and reminded me of some of the principles of the law of attraction that I had learned but forgotten lately (prolonged stress does that to ya), and he also asked me for advice and guidance with the people he is trying to help, and his dating woes and we both talked of our sadness of not having a romantic partner in our lives. He also said he was so upset as he went to talk to the pastor of the church he's been going to for advice and he was on vacation and how that disturbed him that he wasnt there in his time of need nor was there anyone else. I told him you know I had you baptised Catholic, and took you there as a child, you could always try that church again and they have a rectory and prietst are always there, want me to drive you by and show you were? (I hadnt taken him there since he was 6 so he forgot) and to my amazement he said sure....
So we drove to the church and I talked to him about how I used to take him and his brother, how we did the baptisms, the CCD etc. but I left the church when my husband went to jail, they had given me some bad advice and I later found out the priest had been bribed by my in-laws, I nearly lost my children because of that bad advice......but I digress, suffice it to say I have a love/hate relationship with the Catholic Church, I love it and am drawn to it but men and thier re-writing of the rules has made a mockery of the church that Jesus started and the traditions he left for his apostles to lead us. But tonight was not about that, tonight was about showing my son my faith and where I go for my answers and help. So we went in and I showed him how to light a candle, I said my intention out loud: Dear God please bring me a man and a new home to move to. Jeremy lit a candle too but he said his prayer silently. Then we went inside, he was amazed it was not locked (praise god for this church that can stay open) I dipped my hand in the holy water and crossed myself but he didn't want to. Then I went to a pew and knelt to pray, he sat there but I said you should kneel God seems to like that I always hear him better when I get on my knees....so he did too. My voice then began to speak to me in earnest and after each thing I wispered it to him: Thank you for bringing him here to me---I love you and I will help both of you----everything is going to work out just fine don't worry----you are a good person and will do good things---stop talking now so he can also hear my voice too, we both giggled at that one (my god always had a sense of humor) LOL When we were done I said to him Jeremy I am sorry that I wasn't a better mother, I should have tried harder and he said to me Mom it's ok I know you love me and you did the best you could under the stress that you had to live with....healing was taking place, and so was forgiveness. I took him home then and I went home.
When I was getting ready for bed I looked at my attract your soulmate collage and touched each photo and read the lines and said a prayer for God to work on that for me, I noticed I had forgotten to put the picture of the couple on scooters and made a mental note to add that. Then about 9:30 I got a text message: Moderate Hiking? it said.......i saw it was from Randy, (even though I deleted his number I still had it memorized) Then I recalled that I had put an ad up on craigslist earlier looking for a hiking partner or a guy with a nice big safe harley to go slow and go riding with to see the scenery. I texted back: you making fun of me? go take your dog for a ride. Thought that may be mean enough to shut him up......my phone rang and my heart skipped a beat.......but it was my sorrority sister from college days, I quickly told her about him texting me and she had a few choice things to say, none of them nice....he texted again: I am in VT, stop over......Well that made us both mad and she said what a jerk wants his cake and eat it to Cassie don't give into him, stop over 7 hours away what selfish dick head.....I wasnt planning on it but I did reply meaner than was necessary: No thanks I havent had my rabies shots. That shut him up and then she and I talked about our mutual pains from the men in our lives but then I told her we need to heal from them, not all men are like that, there really are nice men out there we need to stop wanting bad boys. I got up the next day and I e-mailed him to say I hadn't posted that add for his attention and that I did not want to hear from him so long as he was living with her, there would be no more lying and sneaking about for me and to please not contact me unless she moves out and he's been to a doctor for a clean bill of health (when I first met him he told me he had just been tested, flings with unclean women aren't unusual for his life). I felt good, no pain, no anger no oh he wants her and not me, just a simple statement of what I would or would not accept. Those wounds are healing, and I will find a way to forgive him for picking her instead of trying a little harder for me....and just like the angel card that day had promised me: New Love, they would fix him and bring him back to me or they would bring me a brand new one. But they can't fix him unless he kneels down and prays for healing........his path is his path to choose....and that's ok because I am making right my own path with God's help and guidance.
Friday I worked a half day and then headed down to Keyport to look at that house. I ended up liking it but we did look at 3 others just to be safe. This one is vacant and there are some cosmetic fixes that it needs, and the owners left a bunch of junk in the yard and the basement. Seems to be the story of my life cleaning up and getting rid of junk that others leave behind. But there are many things to be excited about in regards to the house, 2 rentable bedrooms plus a room for my reiki office, a tiny view of the bay from my bedroom window, 2 full baths, a room in the basement we can fix up for Jeremy, and best of all sidewalks that I can walk on or ride my bike and its two blocks to the bay and 4 blocks to the main part of town full of resteraunts, cafes and the bulkhead with a boat dock! Now all I need is a friend with a boat....but as fate would have it my best guy friend is looking into buying one! I happily headed north and off to my meetup event, dinner and a movie and we had fun at that even thought it was just me and a gal pal and a guy from the group. He was pretty nice, even offered to go buy me so raisinetts when I said I was craving some, I declined (trying to diet a little) so he gave me some gum, wow nice guys are nice aren't they I thought to myself.... see boat docking area below, beautiful isnt it?:
Saturday morning Kachina's new blog was up for the new moon energies: in2themystics.com It was all about how this moon's energy is about letting go, cleansing and releasing all that which does not serve us well and be in prepartion to embrace the new life that is coming. I know that it is very hard to let go of that which you know and embrace the unknow but when you walk a path of faith you realize that everything happens for you greatest good when you let go of the fear and let the universe work for you. So I happily set off to go see Northlandz, a model train musem with a gal pal I hadn't seen in some time and her new boyfriend. We had a lovely time and afterwards he invited me to lunch with them and insisted on paying for me as well. I reflected on what a great guy he was and even commented to Lisa wow this is the kind of guy I need, so tired of the "bad boys" and she said she had met him at a church function... I then went home, rested and got ready for my singles event, I was so pleased with my look with the new makeup Deb got me I decided it was time for a new profile pic (see below, not bad for 50 right?) LOL
At the event I went over and said hello to the drummer , relayed a message to the lead singer (his cousin and I went to computer classes together and she hadn't seen him in years) and then I talked to my old Reiki master, (she married the drummer) It was so good to see her, she's the one I started my healing with and the one whom I took my level 3 master class from. I was dissapointed to hear she isnt giving reiki now but pleased to hear she now does weddings, I told her when I find a man she can marry us! I also told her how I had dated Randy again over the summer, she had been with me since before I met him and all through the entire relationship. She said you know Cassie sometimes we don't belong with our soulmates in this lifetime, its his choice and sounds like he's still not choosing to evolve. I recalled how I had paid for and we had made an appointment with her for him and he didn't show up for it. I sure wish I knew why he doesnt want to heal but I guess that's his stuff to know. I also saw an old gal pal, she came over and said she was on a date, I was so happy for her because she has been seeing a married man for over a decade, I know it makes her sad. She came to say good bye before she left too and I told he how happy I was to see her working on changing her situation, we also taked about the fued we had had and said we were sorry it had gotten blow out of proportion by involving others and the social scene drama.
One other think happend last night too....I was uploading pictures onto the cassiescalendar facebook page and saw I got an e-mail. It was from someone who read my blogs on craigslist-- I have been posting the links to them all over the United States in order to get readers for the ad clicks (always trying to make a buck I am) and also because if someone reads the story of my path and tries it I think they to can heal thier lives and raise thier vibrations....anyway he said he had a show and he wanted to know if I would come in to meet him, he said I was a very intersting character and he wanted to get some footage, photos and do and interview for his show. I was very flattered but saw that he is located in Hawaii. I guess I should get braver and post my links closer to home? LOL But still that was the second time that day someone had called me an intersting character (Lisa's boyfriend had said the same when we parted for the day) Who knows.......maybe someday someone will read my blogs and find me interesting enough to pay me for my stories........I know I got a ton more to share and have been told my whole life that I should write a book......
Today I want you all to continue your healing, continue to let go of and walk away from (or at least takes steps away from) the people and the things and the situations in your lives that hurt you. And go and talk to anyone you can and work on forgivness......I dare you to move........
With Love and in the Light, Cassie
Switchfoot - Dare You To Move
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2011
3-3-11 Open Wounds are Ready to Heal
3-3-11 Open Wounds are Ready to Heal
This week has reminded me of my nursing days, partly because I am considering a second job and a nursing assitant is one of the jobs I am thinking about (but my back is moaning in agony just recalling those days) and also because I feel like a trauma paitent who's in ICU with limited vistiors and extreme precautions to prevent infection....here's why....
Monday was a rough day, dealing with stuff related to my house closing and I asked for an extension of my closing date. Since the township moved the date back I lost the house I bid on and there is only ONE on the market now in my price range that even comes close to what I could want, and its a short sale, meaning bank owned and red tape and I can't close on it till after April 11th at the earliest...so when the township wrote and asked to see my property again I said sure and can we move the date back if we have to. My selling agent was livid! Absoultely livid I tell you! I finally had to hang up on her and I was very very glad that Mary called me and asked to meet for dinner, I was losing it.... I left work and got there early and my little voice said go in Michaels and buy yourself something for your new home. I can't spend money was my reply but I walked in the door and the flower arrangements were 50% off and I figured what the heck, I selected one for only $15 and was pleased to see it was pink dogwood my mother loved pink dogwood) and had a key hanging on it! (Vic loved keys they represent unlocking of new things to me) My voice told me to get something for Mary too and I spent $3 on her and she cried when I gave it to her she was so touched. Best $20 I spent in a very long time...and I ended up getting free chips and slasa from 4square and $5 appetizer was my meal so the money I spent I saved on dinner anyway!
I cried to Mary about all my woes and she listened paitently, non-judgementally and gave me some good advice like she always does. The biggest of all was to keep my faith and listen to my own voice and quit running around listening to everyone else. I decided to push back to my realtor who was having a fit insisting I clean up the outside of my property, (I am don't have the money and I listed AS IS for a reason), and they held me up for three years on my sale so if I ask for 3 more weeks that's not so much to ask for (and they happily agreed despite her fits). She assured me that God was in control of the timing for my home and my move and if I can just relax I will be ok. I also talked of my pain of the gaping wound of not having a man to share my life with and she asked me to be paitent with that too. I felt some better and went home.
Tuesday night I met with a guy pal who is going to help me with events, that was fun and full of hope and promise till the following day when he sent me a list of all the things he wants me to buy and to do for a diet he wants me to go on. He cares about me a lot and I know that but I am just so raw and so stressed that I can't start a diet now, I need to get through this move and in my new home but he and I had a text message fight over it with him saying I don't really want to change. I do but I know I am too weak and too stressed and too raw to try something that I am likely to fail a lot at starting out. In the end though we finally talked and he agreed to wait till I get moved to push me with this. I also was having issues with my gal friend and event stuff, I wasnt listening to her ideas and some other organizer was and she started working with him. This brought up tons of my abandonment issues and I just stopped taking her calls, this of course upset her. We did end up hashing it out some on e-mail and we both communucated to one another that we love and care for one another and we have different visions so this too will be ok but for now, I just need to back off a tiny bit till I feel better. I need rest...
Wednesday Jeremy came over as I was leaving for work to start to clean up the piles of mess that my tennant left when he moved out. I was greatful for his help but also getting agitated with him and his agitated energy about me, and he kept calling me all day too. Ugh and when I got home I found out he had a fit and threw something and broke the toilet in the tennant side and slammed my back door and shook the glass. Not at all what I needed when I was already stressed! And I had to go to court to deal with the thing from when that girl he knows was here and we had a fight and she had me arrested for alleged assault. I drove him and his friend home before I headed to court and he was trying to re-assure me, told me to trust in God, told me Tony is good you know he will take care of this, and he said he felt really ashamed for getting me into this mess. I told him I just wanted an apology and he gave it to me. I let them out and he came and patted my shoulder and I cried to that this is all just so hard for us all that I never had a husband to help me and I never had a father to help raise him and he said I know I know but all we can do is keep faith in God. I felt like an ass for crying to my son when I am the parent but you know he told me Mom this makes me feel good to be able to now help you some and he said this is a test you know that don't you. God wants to see how much faith you really have.......
So I showed up for court and Tony as always was a comfort to see (so long as I didnt focus on what this must be costing me) Jesse didn't show and we tried to get it dismissed but the judge insisted on re-scheduling so now I have to come back and pay Tony for a second appearance, while this brat gets to use the public defender I might add, oh our judicial system is so askew..... But anyway Tony said the township agreed to clean up the outside of the property and me the inside (like I said all along) and they moved my closing to April 12th and had no problem with that. I texted this to my realtor as I refuse to get on the phone and listen to her right now, she was ok and I said don't ever forget who's in charge here. I meant God but I think she thought I meant me, whatever works. LOL So everything is falling in ok......court was a wash, house things are in order so far so good, my son is finding god and learning to give back to me... you'd think I could relax right? But no..............I went to bed all exhasted but was still wide awake at midnight, I got to thinking of Saint Rita of Cassia who's life mine is quite similar to (she married a rich but absive man, had two sons, then he died and the sons went astray for awhile but then found God and she ended her life by becoming a nun) Oh please God don't make me live my life out like a nun! I was so upset about still being alone and without a partner that I sobbed till my body shook, I sobbed and sobbed till I feel asleep that way. I am sore and raw from al the thorns of rejection I have pulled out, the thorns of abuse and neglect, the thorns of men who passed me over for the thin and pretty girls, the thorns of my husband choosing to drink everynight of my mother being such a narsccist, and of randy choosing a woman who will ride his motorcycle over me who loves him.......I am raw and I need to heal now. I think the angels must have carried my soul off somewhere last night to minister to it because I did that wake up startled feeling like I just fell into my body thing just before the alarm today.......they do that sometimes, our soul travels when we sleep and we go to be ministered to for healing.
I got up to face the new day and the Angel card was New Love, they are listening I thought! This card means they will fix the love I have or they will bring me brand new love.....its all just a matter of faith now........I can believe that God will find me a new home and I can believe that my sons are going to turn out just fine and I can belive that I will never run out of money or not have food or shelter but I have yet to learn how to believe that someone will love me.......but it's coming.......I am healing. These big gaping wounds are ready to heal.....
.......I pulled out my thorns so I won't hurt others now its time to heal the wounds so I wont get hurt when I allow others to come close......
Today take a look at your wounds and honor them, for each one of them was a lesson, a battle scar that you should wear with courage and pride. They are not ugly to those who see beyond them to your heart and soul and know how beautiful these wounds actually helped you to become.... Rest my friends rest and heal and keep yourself safe and protected.....God will take care of all your worries.........everything is as it should be ...rest and grow strong.........there is much ahead.....
With Love and in the Light, Cassie
Heal the Wound - Point of Grace
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2sXt3RU_1do
Monday, February 28, 2011
2-28-11 Be Gentle Pulling Out The Thorns
2-28-11 Be Gentle Pulling Out The Thorns
So Friday I was supposed to go meet a guy for a drink whom I had been writing to but I begged off, I told him I was tired and cranky and I didn't want to make a bad first impression, he was nice about it and said he'd call... I was still faced with the depressing idea of heading home to be alone in that big cold empty house....and I recalled Wendy's advice to nurture myself through these rough times so I decided to treat myself to dinner and a movie at the new fork and screen theater at the mall. I had been wanting to try it for some time but people complained about it so I shyed off not wanting to waste my money. But I am so glad that I decided to try it, I quite enjoyed the experince and the movie and came out of there feeling so much better. I got a call from a friend and made plans to go meet another friend for lunch the next day and headed home.
Driving home I got to worrying about money again but my little voice said Don't worry I will get you money Thank you I replied. When I got home I got to thinking about all the mean things I texted and e-mailed to Randy this past week and I decided to send him an apology, and I told him I would always pray for him and I wished him happiness and that I was sorry that I wanted more of his time than he wanted to give to me, that really had been THE issue all along, I wanted more of his time but I had realized sitting there in the theater with the other couples that was never who he wanted to be, he wanted to be out on his motorcyle with a chick on the back and I wanted to be sitting watching a movie or a sunset after a nice walk or day on the beach. He is wild and free and I never should have tried to keep him by my side. I let that thorn drop to the ground and the wound began to heal.
Saturday night I was going out dancing with my singles group and had nothing to wear (remember most of my stuff is still packed in the pack rat) so I decied to go check the clearance racks, I even prayed to find something in the second store and I did! A pair of grey dressy pants for $8! And they looked pretty good on too! I was happy to be at Ralph's event and pleny of "my people" came which made Ralph happy, so happy that when he took the Mic he even thanked me. It felt good to be apreicated and I shared with him a contact for a venue near where I am moving to and told him I had some ice breaker ideas for the singles. It has hurt me in the past that I have done so much to help people grow thier groups and they make money and I never have but you know I do get something from this, I get so much joy bringing people together and helping shy people come out and be social. So I pulled that thorn out too.....and the thorns of sitting there night after night while others "hooked up" and found thier ones. I felt so hurt and so sad, especially the BBQ's at my house, going to bed alone. But this night I sat there and wished I had a majic wand and I wished that I could make every one of them fall in love and live happily ever after...
Thinking back on my BBQ's reminded me of a Randy story...the summer we were dating I was planning the first party of the year and so thrilled that this year I would have MY guy to linger after the party and lay outside on the trampolione and look at the stars with me and listen to the river....something I always wanted to do like other couples had done at the end of my parties all those long years. But a week before the party we went to his sisters house and I had invited them, driving back to Keyport and talking to his mom she mentioned being excited about coming..oh no I thought and knew he would have to come from home and go home because she lived near by. He said he'd tell her she can't go when he saw how sad I was but I said of course you must bring her. I still cried about it and I am ashamed at myself now for being so sad about such a silly thing but I was brave that night and when he left I didn't even wimper.......but a couple hours later, just as the last few guests were leaving he came back! He had driven her home and turned around and came back and we layed on the trampoline and cuddled under the stars. That memory brought me joy and also pain, I wished I had focused more on those times he was there and not on the times he was not.... But that was another thorn I could pull out.....he hadn't abandonde me quite as much as I remembered....
Sunday I got up and I went to mass, it was very nice the scripture reading was about the birds of the air and the flowers and how they do not worry as they know God will provide for them. I knew that I need to remeber this even more. I saw my old friend there, and this time he still didn't look at me as I passed by but he didn't turn away. I thought about going over and speaking to him after mass but I knew he would say that I had hurt him, all I could think of saying back to him was and you also hurt me, I decided that wasn't what he would want to hear so I let it go. I did feel though that I can forgive him and pull out that thorn too....we really can't get close to others till we pull out all the thorns came to my mind. After mass I checked out a place to go walking near my church that's along a tow path and decided it will make a fine spot to do an event soon...I walked and enjoyed the sunshine before heading home.... When I got home there were people there looking through my barn, I had put Jermys old desk and chair for Free on craiglist and they had asked if they could come back and take a look when they saw the boys yard sale signs. I was so glad I let them, it's hard to give away things that I had paid so much for but they hadn't sold and i need to bless people with these things. He told a sad tale of buying a house and then loosing his job, so many are out of work right now or in lower paying jobs. It's time for us to learn to re-use, re-cycle, share what we have, barter and trade. He gave me his card and said he's a carpenter and if i need any help between now and my closing to call him he will glady come help me..... Its been a thorn of pain for me that I don't have a man to help me, this place slowly falling apart over the years....that gesture truly blessed me, another thorn of pain I can pull out so I can heal.........
In the evening on Sunday i went to a workshop that Wendy had pulled together for me, one that I really needed a lot of help with: Love Your Body. If you recall I did set out this time last year to love my body and to lose some weight and be in better shape, and for awhile I did succed with that, I lost 25lbs and I even went to the nude beach with Randy last summer.......but winter, and being alone, losing Randy, and the trials and tribulations of my move and my finances I have been through just packed everything back on. I see pictures of myself and I think OMG you are so fat and so ugly! Yes I truly do, but you know I been saying that to myself my entire life, even before I WAS fat and ugly. Talk about a plethera of thorns! And these were all self inflicted! Yes this is going to take lots of work, lots of meditation and lots of self healing. But thanks to Wendy I now have the tools to do this practice and begin this healing in earnest. The big issues that BIG work don't forget that.......but I am working it, and I am pulling out the thorns and sending healing to myself and I will get there I won't give up because I want to love and be loved and I want to be able to let people get close to me with out hurting them with my thorns....
Today, what are you big and deep thorns? What one's have you jabbed into yourslef with your own negative self talk? Take and invetory of all the negative things you have said to yourself and come up with some real plans and work to removed them from yourself........LOVE YOURSELF just the way you are.......the way God does.......kindly and gently.......be gentle with yourslef.........
With Love and in the Light, Cassie
Gentle With Myself
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ihWYx-QJ95I
Sunday, February 27, 2011
more signs...
from music meditation tonight..........
THUNDER ROAD 
The screen door slams, Mary's dress wavesLike a vision she dances across the porch as the radio plays
Roy Orbison singing for the lonely
Hey that's me and I want you only
Don't turn me home again
I just can't face myself alone again
Don't run back inside, darling you know just what I'm here for
So you're scared and you're thinking that maybe we ain't that young anymore
Show a little faith, there's magic in the night
You ain't a beauty, but hey you're alright
Oh and that's alright with me
You can hide 'neath your covers and study your pain
Make crosses from your lovers, throw roses in the rain
Waste your summer praying in vain for a saviour to rise from these streets
Well now I'm no hero, that's understood
All the redemption I can offer, girl, is beneath this dirty hood
With a chance to make it good somehow
Hey what else can we do now
Except roll down the window and let the wind blow back your hair
Well the night's bustin' open, these two lanes will take us anywhere
We got one last chance to make it real
To trade in these wings on some wheels
Climb in back, heaven's waiting down on the tracks
Oh oh come take my hand
Riding out tonight to case the promised land
Oh oh oh oh Thunder Road, oh Thunder Road, oh Thunder Road
Lying out there like a killer in the sun
Hey I know it's late, we can make it if we run
Oh oh oh oh Thunder Road, sit tight, take hold, Thunder Road
Well I got this guitar and I learned how to make it talk
And my car's out back if you're ready to take that long walk
From your front porch to my front seat
The door's open but the ride it ain't free
And I know you're lonely for words that I ain't spoken
Tonight we'll be free, all the promises will be broken
There were ghosts in the eyes of all the boys you sent away
They haunt this dusty beach road in the skeleton frames of burned-out Chevrolets
They scream your name at night in the street
Your graduation gown lies in rags at their feet
And in the lonely cool before dawn
You hear their engines roaring on
But when you get to the porch they're gone on the wind, so Mary climb in
It's a town full of losers, I'm pulling out of here to win
I'm so ready to stop hiding neath the covers and studying my pain.....I'm ready to ride.....
Saturday, February 26, 2011
signs....
With the Beloved's water of life,
no illness remains
In the Beloved's rose garden of union,
no thorn remains.
They say there is a window from
...one heart to another
How can there be a window
where no wall remains?
~Rumi~
Rumi Let me stop looking at myself and start looking at You,
There is a love beyond time, a love that breathes life into a corps,
no illness remains
In the Beloved's rose garden of union,
no thorn remains.
They say there is a window from
...one heart to another
How can there be a window
where no wall remains?
~Rumi~
Rumi Let me stop looking at myself and start looking at You,
for you are nearer to me than I am to myself. 
and so i prayed for and sent energy to him as a sign of peace and good will..
There is a love beyond time, a love that breathes life into a corps,
that turns enemies into lovers, where spirit kisses your lips.....
~Rumi
ahh i will find my rose garden without thorns someday..
Friday, February 25, 2011
2-25-11 Pulling out the Thorns
Be quiet and tear the thorn from your heart.
Uncover in silence your soul’s own rose garden.
Uncover in silence your soul’s own rose garden.
2-25-11 Pulling out the Thorns
So Tuesday was back to work day and I gotta say it's nice to go to work, trying to fill up my days and nights right now with no cable, little money to go out with and all is a real challenge. I like going to work it makes me feel good, a sense of accomplishment, a sense of being part of the work world and being needed. I can see why the un-employed get depressed. Speaking of depression though I was feeling some twinges of it and after work when Deb called me to tell me about a new group she talked someone into creating I got really sad. I had seen events being planned and I was so upset with myself for not calling places and setting things up so that I can make a little money. I have phone phobia, hate hate hate to make phone calls, it's something I have had my whole life. In college they tried to help me with that but it didn't last long. Anyway she called and I ended up in tears of frustration. She paitently talked me through it, helped me to re-write my meetup description and compose an e-mail to a venue she thinks I should work with. Sometimes the simplest of things can feel so daunting when you aren't in the right frame of mind, times like those say a prayer for a good friend to come along and lend a hand...
Wednesday was a little better, work is going smoothly, dull and routine but smoothly I can apreceite the respite of it all. I got an e-mail in the afternoon from Sonia, a co-worker from my last site and she was visiting there and said she heard about my Mom and wanted to treat me for coffee and talk. That was so nice to see her, we used to eat lunch together every day and since moving to my new location I have always ate at my desk due to my heavy workload. It was good to talk and I told her about the funeral and our money woes and my money woes but she said it will get better and I knew it would. I came home that night and got to thinking about how Randy has sneered at the are of the house I put a bid on, mentioning how it was a neighborhood of a few ethnic races so I shot out and e-mail to him saying he better not put me down as at least they weren't trashy falling down fences, garbage in the yard and falling apart cars everywhere like his house and the trash he lives with. Oh yes I did, it still stings that he choose that over me and I am human when I hurt, the thorn from him goes deep.....I need to feel this pain and work it out of myself I knew.... I have many friends from these ethnic categories he mentioned and they treat me with love and respect unlike the class of pepople he associates with, its not the color of your skin that matters its the color of your aura, the color of your soul.....that's what I look at. I was seeing more and more how muddy he's let his become...
Thursday another dull work day but Mary called and wanted to meet for dinner, we talked some more about Randy and his "wife" she said that woman doesn't care he sneaks to see me because if she did she would have come to find me by now since she knows who I am and my events are all over craigslist. She said again that woman is going to leave him but she said I suspect by the time he comes back to you , you wont want him anymore.....because no matter what he wants to stay 12 and not grow or heal or be the man you need him to be. He just isn't choosing it and he is going to end up alone the way I see things now. Yes I said I see it now, seeing HER really turned me off to him, made me look at him as not clean. She said he was bitter oh so bitter to me for leaving him, he called her many times crying over me, he really loved me but now he has let his bitterness harden his heart to you and he won't allow himself to open his heart and love you anymore. I gotta work this pain out of me I told her.....and then once I do I can let it go. I went home and checked my mail before bed, he logged onto his messenger service and I sent him a message, better go to be the wife is waiting for you and quickly logged off. Oh yes I am behaving badly I need to pull out this thorn and stop thrashing around in pain.
Today the card was Surrender and Release and I knew what I had to do.... I reached out to several of my spiritual friends for love and prayers and light and support and they all answered me. Beth reminded me that we are going through a major shift right now and many are also going through depression and sickeness and hard times. She told me of seeing her guy this past week and how he stung her through and through as well, its time to pull these thorns our of our sides. So I deleted him from everything my phone my address books my messengers..gone, done, pulled out. I don't care if he's my twin flame, and that Mary gets chills when I say that to her too, he wants to stay 12 yrs old (and I just needed him to be 22 sigh) he wants to ride that 1970s falling apart un-safe motorcylce at 95mph and bash me for not riding it with him, he wants to play and play and not clean or repair his home, and he let his cat die instead of taking it to the vet and getting it medication, he didn't come see me and give me a hug when my Mom died. Nope priorities are askew and he wants to stay that way, I left him because his immaturity stabbed me again and again and I hoped he would grow up a little but he chose not to. He's gotta go from my hear...I pulled out the thorn and while there is a big gaping wound here I know that it will heal........
Today I want you to pull out your own thorns, the people and things that hurt you, or even the memories of the people and the things that hurt you. Its time to heal, the planet is shifting, big changes are coming, we must be strong and ready to do the work that is coming. I must stand alone for now and perhaps someone will come later to be work with me as my partner but for now I must heal and grow strong and so must you........there is a rose garden for us all once we get past these thorns........
With Love and in the Light, Cassie
Lynn Anderson -- Rose Garden
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WO4wcNVbYOQPS:
Forgot to add that my Dad called me up this week and told me the funeral director stopped over to see him, remember we were 4k short on the bill and asked for donations in lieu of flowers to help pay for the funeral. Anyway he called to tell me that the bill was paid in full! He said that and anoymous donor had given the money to cover the costs! Praise the Lord was all we both could say and Dad said see I told you God would look out for this somehow. Now I don't know if my Uncle gave the money, or the funeral home waived the costs or even perhaps my birth father called and paid for it to make up for abandoning me and mom 50 years ago....I don't know who paid that bill but I do know that faith made it happen. I must keep this in my heart.........faith can make anything happen so I have to belive now that I will have enough money and I will have a good new home and someone will come along and love me back the and want to walk lifes path by my side.......have faith my friends for its all you need to have everything......
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