1-9-11 Winter's Change
New Beginnings, that was my card of the day this morning when I got up. And based on yesterday that's a fitting card indeed.
Yesterday I got up and drove down and looked at the house that's very close to Randy and I really liked it. It had all the things I need, the price is right and the only negatives are the old radiators and the window AC units I hoped to get away from, and the one small bathroom. But I lived without central air and with radiators my whole life so far, and I think we could add a half bath in the basement easily enough and there's an office next to the master bedroom that if I got really better off financially I could easily make into a master bathroom, I could even install ducts and central air and forced air heating later on too. But for now it's good enough and there are two large size bedrooms that I can get roommates in and help me pay down this credit card dept. The basement was even big and nice enough for me to use for the spiritual workshops I want to do and a place for Jeremy to live in the case that he ends up having to come down there with me. Yep I liked it but I knew Randy was going to hate it because he wouldn't be able to come over. I was conflicted on that point but mostly glad, I dont want him sneaking around to see me, either I am worth the risk or stay away if felt.
Just for safe measure though Mike and I went and looked at the second house we had an appointment for, the only other one left that I could possibly get into in time. I was hideous and it cost more and when I said to him I didn't want it I saw the look of relief on the woman's face who was there with her two small kids, possibly a single mom....boy did I recall those days and thanked God again for allowing me to have this lovely home all these years to raise my sons in. I also thought about the woman who lives with Randy and her sons there..... Anyway after leaving the house I told him to go ahead and put in the bid on the other house, we weren't going to get any better than that. I also gave him some tickets to the concert that we had been given for my group and he was very happy about that. I then headed towards Sears to get my oil changed, I had sent Randy an e-mail letting him know I was coming, telling him if he had time for lunch we could meet but I then had to head back as I wanted to go to a meetup last night. He hadn't seen the e-mail and the day didn't end up that way.....
I took my car in and texted him to keep an eye on it so they don't call me up and try to talk me into something I don't need and he said OK. I then shopped the clearance racks at Sears while I waited and found an outfit for the upcoming event in NYC and was happy to find something. My car got done and I went to pay for it and Randy drove it out and asked me to go wait for him to have lunch. He came and it was nice to see him and he talked me into going to a movie and waiting for him to get out of work. He said I am starting to think you are stalking me, coming down here house shopping, doing events near me, bringing your car to my job. I said I will stay away if you want and he said nooooooooo I like it. I then told him about the house and he had totally mixed feelings on that one, he liked I was so close he could walk over but not that he can't come there as everyone would see his truck. I again told him if he was just honest with her, told her they can stay but he was dating me then all could be happy but he said she would leave.. he said he feared she'd leave an he'd lose his kids. So that's when I decided to tell him I was going to go out on a date with someone else. I could tell by his face he didnt like that but I thought we must be honest with one another and I intend to keep looking for a husband. In retrospect I see that I only told him to try and push him into what I wanted for us, I ended up dumping that guy today anyway, so I won't tell him anymore about dating others it only causes necessary hurt, he doesn't deserve that.
After the movie I waited for him and we hung out together and talked and spent some time together but it was cold out, I said I can't believe I am still doing this in the winter time! I said again how he wont be able to come to my house if I get this latest one and he said he could park at his moms and I could come get him, but I won't want to go out in the cold to drive you back.....no I am glad the universe is picking this house for me, it will protect me from being weak and settling for less than I truly want in my life, it will protect me from this love that is not healthy for me. It was growing colder and I said I need to head home but he wanted to go get some shrimp so we ended up going to eat at a diner and talking for two more hours..... He told me more of how things are at home and how he can't even buy groceries because they eat all of them, how the 20 yr old only works 1 day a week, how cold "the wife" is to him etc, I see the pain of his face and it almost looks like tears in his eyes......BUT.... he does not want to leave what he's got, he said I did not choose this it just happened to me its what I have to live with. He says he knows the family he has is not real but he has the illusion of having a family and he likes that, he likes to be able to say I am going home to work on my sons car...etc. He also said when he and I were together I was always sad, always crying never happy with the way things were with us, always wanting more. I guess I need to reflect on that deeper as I do know he's right. I was sad because he spent so much time going off to play with the guys, going to Vermont and not wanting to take me with him, or when he did take me I'd get bored waiting for him to come back in from sledding, or I'd get sad because he complained about my snoring and wanted me to sleep in my own room alone.
Yep I suppose today is a new beginning of me accepting that Randy is nothing more than a friend with benefits and the way it looks now that's the most he will ever be. He does not want to marry me and buy homes with me and build a life with me and I suppose I see the wisdom in that. I had told him yesterday that I he never showed he cared or loved me, that I bet he doesn't even think about me and he said oh no not true I think of you all the time.... I still someone how need to make peace with my feelings for him. Last night sitting across from him in the diner it took everything I have to not go slide over and hold him and be close to him. Especially when his hand started to twitch and he told me his eye and face twitch sometimes too. Mary has told me that he is going to get sick this spring and need to be cared for, she said he will come to me and want to stay there with me ....if she's right I will but I hope for his sake she is wrong, he will worry if he's sick who's paying the bills and taking care of the house... He promised to still help me move and I decided that if he can find ways to see me now and again I will do that. I can learn to appreciate what little of him I do get and not want more and I can trust in my god that he will in time bring me a man who does want me or show Randy how to love and believe in us. I have made peace with this and I am not feeling pain over it, not feeling sadness, just acceptance and I cant tell you how significant this is. The me I was even just a year ago would go between crying and being sad to rage and anger at Randy and God and life in general for not giving me what I wanted in this situation, and I must admit there were a few tears last night.... But the new me knows that whatever is happening, whatever is the way things are is the way things are meant to be.... I wont be getting my house on Sunset with the great bay views, I wont be getting to spend the rest of my life with my sou lmate, not now anyway...... But I think we will stay friends, and continue to be there for one another when we really need each other, and I think I am meant to stay single a while longer and do this ministry, plan these events, leave my SpiritStones, grow CassiesCalendar, those are the signs I have been getting.
So today is a new beginning for me, I am choosing still to move to the place where my heart is, I am choosing to be at peace with being single still and the fact that the only man I want (so far) is a block away and I can't be with him. Its crazy to everyone I know but I for some reason feel peaceful just knowing he's not far. I will leave him in peace to his life and to his family, if something big goes down I know he would come as he knows I would for him, we care about each other that way. My new beginning is a new attitude and that is one of peaceful acceptance of what is.....Randy doesn't want to marry me, he didn't want to when we were together and we thought I could be pregnant why would he now. I accept that in peace and won't waste any more of my life thinking I can get him to be who I want him to be.
Today what can you do to change your world? What attitudes can you adujust to make your life more peaceful and content the way it is? The earth has always been one of change and those who survive learn how to adapt..2011 is a year of shifting and changing, if you pay attention to what's going on around the world the evidence is there....the message is clear, adapt and change....or perish.....which do you choose?
With Love and in the Light, Cassie
The Animal Mass Death Enigma - Time line - What did the ancients know?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SyBdtg_RQRE
Let us realize the arc of the moral universe is long but it bends toward justice.Let us realize that William Cullen Bryant is right: "Truth crushed to earth will rise again." Let us go out realizing that the Bible is right: "Be not deceived..., God is not mocked. Whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap." This is our hope for the future, and with this faith we will be able to sing in some not too distant tomorrow with a cosmic past tense, "We have overcome, we have overcome, deep in my heart, I did believe we would overcome."
Martin Luther King, Jr, conclusion of his speech: Where do we go from here
Martin Luther King, Jr, conclusion of his speech: Where do we go from here
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