2-28-11 Be Gentle Pulling Out The Thorns

2-28-11 Be Gentle Pulling Out The Thorns

So Friday I was supposed to go meet a guy for a drink whom I had been writing to but I begged off, I told him I was tired and cranky and I didn't want to make a bad first impression, he was nice about it and said he'd call... I was still faced with the depressing idea of heading home to be alone in that big cold empty house....and I recalled Wendy's advice to nurture myself through these rough times so I decided to treat myself to dinner and a movie at the new fork and screen theater at the mall. I had been wanting to try it for some time but people complained about it so I shyed off not wanting to waste my money. But I am so glad that I decided to try it, I quite enjoyed the experince and the movie and came out of there feeling so much better. I got a call from a friend and made plans to go meet another friend for lunch the next day and headed home.

Driving home I got to worrying about money again but my little voice said Don't worry I will get you money Thank you I replied. When I got home I got to thinking about all the mean things I texted and e-mailed to Randy this past week and I decided to send him an apology, and I told him I would always pray for him and I wished him happiness and that I was sorry that I wanted more of his time than he wanted to give to me, that really had been THE issue all along, I wanted more of his time but I had realized sitting there in the theater with the other couples that was never who he wanted to be, he wanted to be out on his motorcyle with a chick on the back and I wanted to be sitting watching a movie or a sunset after a nice walk or day on the beach. He is wild and free and I never should have tried to keep him by my side. I let that thorn drop to the ground and the wound began to heal.

Saturday night I was going out dancing with my singles group and had nothing to wear (remember most of my stuff is still packed in the pack rat) so I decied to go check the clearance racks, I even prayed to find something in the second store and I did! A pair of grey dressy pants for $8! And they looked pretty good on too! I was happy to be at Ralph's event and pleny of "my people" came which made Ralph happy, so happy that when he took the Mic he even thanked me. It felt good to be apreicated and I shared with him a contact for a venue near where I am moving to and told him I had some ice breaker ideas for the singles. It has hurt me in the past that I have done so much to help people grow thier groups and they make money and I never have but you know I  do get something from this, I get so much joy bringing people together and helping shy people come out and be social. So I pulled that thorn out too.....and the thorns of sitting there night after night while others "hooked up" and found thier ones. I felt so hurt and so sad, especially the BBQ's at my house, going to bed alone. But this night I sat there and wished I had a majic wand and I wished that I could make every one of them fall in love and live happily ever after...

Thinking back on my BBQ's reminded me of a Randy story...the summer we were dating I was planning the first party of the year and so thrilled that this year I would have MY guy to linger after the party and lay outside on the trampolione and look at the stars with me and listen to the river....something I always wanted to do like other couples had done at the end of my parties all those long years. But a week before the party we went to his sisters house and I had invited them, driving back to Keyport and talking to his mom she mentioned being excited about coming..oh no I thought and knew he would have to come from home and go home because she lived near by. He said he'd tell her she can't go when he saw how sad I was but I said of course you must bring her. I still cried about it and I am ashamed at myself now for being so sad about such a silly thing but I was brave that night and when he left I didn't even wimper.......but a couple hours later, just as the last few guests were leaving he came back! He had driven her home and turned around and came back and we layed on the trampoline and cuddled under the stars. That memory brought me joy and also pain, I wished I had focused more on those times he was there and not on the times he was not.... But that was another thorn I could pull out.....he hadn't abandonde me quite as much as I remembered....

Sunday I got up and I went to mass, it was very nice the scripture reading was about the birds of the air and the flowers and how they do not worry as they know God will provide for them. I knew that I need to remeber this even more. I saw my old friend there, and this time he still didn't look at me as I passed by but he didn't turn away. I thought about going over and speaking to him after mass but I knew he would say that I had hurt him, all I could think of saying back to him was and you also hurt me, I decided that wasn't what he would want to hear so I let it go. I did feel though that I can forgive him and pull out that thorn too....we really can't get close to others till we pull out all the thorns came to my mind. After mass I checked out a place to go walking near my church that's along a tow path and decided it will make a fine spot to do an event soon...I walked and enjoyed the sunshine before heading home.... When I got home there were people there looking through my barn, I had put Jermys old desk and chair for Free on craiglist and they had asked if they could come back and take a look when they saw the boys yard sale signs. I was so glad I let them, it's hard to give away things that I had paid so much for but they hadn't sold and i need to bless people with these things. He told a sad tale of buying a house and then loosing his job, so many are out of work right now or in lower paying jobs. It's time for us to learn to re-use, re-cycle, share what we have, barter and trade. He gave me his card and said he's a carpenter and if i need any help between now and my closing to call him he will glady come help me..... Its been a thorn of pain for me that I don't have a man to help me, this place slowly falling apart over the years....that gesture truly blessed me, another thorn of pain I can pull out so I can heal.........

In the evening on Sunday i went to a workshop that Wendy had pulled together for me, one that I really needed a lot of help with: Love Your Body. If you recall I did set out this time last year to love my body and to lose some weight and be in better shape, and for awhile I did succed with that, I lost 25lbs and I even went to the nude beach with Randy last summer.......but winter, and being alone, losing Randy, and the trials and tribulations of my move and my finances I have been through just packed everything back on. I see pictures of myself and I think OMG you are so fat and so ugly! Yes I truly do, but you know I been saying that to myself my entire life, even before I WAS fat and ugly. Talk about a plethera of thorns! And these were all self inflicted! Yes this is going to take lots of work, lots of meditation and lots of self healing. But thanks to Wendy I now have the tools to do this practice and begin this healing in earnest. The big issues that BIG work don't forget that.......but I am working it, and I am pulling out the thorns and sending healing to myself and I will get there I won't give up because I want to love and be loved and I want to be able to let people get close to me with out hurting them with my thorns....

Today, what are you big and deep thorns? What one's have you jabbed into yourslef with your own negative self talk? Take and invetory of all the negative things you have said to yourself and come up with some real plans and work to removed them from yourself........LOVE YOURSELF just the way you are.......the way God does.......kindly and gently.......be gentle with yourslef.........

With Love and in the Light, Cassie

Gentle With Myself
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ihWYx-QJ95I

more signs...

from music meditation tonight..........

 

 

THUNDER ROAD

The screen door slams, Mary's dress waves
Like a vision she dances across the porch as the radio plays
Roy Orbison singing for the lonely
Hey that's me and I want you only
Don't turn me home again
I just can't face myself alone again
Don't run back inside, darling you know just what I'm here for
So you're scared and you're thinking that maybe we ain't that young anymore
Show a little faith, there's magic in the night
You ain't a beauty, but hey you're alright
Oh and that's alright with me

You can hide 'neath your covers and study your pain
Make crosses from your lovers, throw roses in the rain
Waste your summer praying in vain for a saviour to rise from these streets
Well now I'm no hero, that's understood
All the redemption I can offer, girl, is beneath this dirty hood
With a chance to make it good somehow
Hey what else can we do now
Except roll down the window and let the wind blow back your hair
Well the night's bustin' open, these two lanes will take us anywhere
We got one last chance to make it real
To trade in these wings on some wheels
Climb in back, heaven's waiting down on the tracks

Oh oh come take my hand
Riding out tonight to case the promised land
Oh oh oh oh Thunder Road, oh Thunder Road, oh Thunder Road
Lying out there like a killer in the sun
Hey I know it's late, we can make it if we run
Oh oh oh oh Thunder Road, sit tight, take hold, Thunder Road

Well I got this guitar and I learned how to make it talk
And my car's out back if you're ready to take that long walk
From your front porch to my front seat
The door's open but the ride it ain't free
And I know you're lonely for words that I ain't spoken
Tonight we'll be free, all the promises will be broken
There were ghosts in the eyes of all the boys you sent away
They haunt this dusty beach road in the skeleton frames of burned-out Chevrolets
They scream your name at night in the street
Your graduation gown lies in rags at their feet
And in the lonely cool before dawn
You hear their engines roaring on
But when you get to the porch they're gone on the wind, so Mary climb in
It's a town full of losers, I'm pulling out of here to win

---

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KngiJUNdsu0

 

I'm so ready to stop hiding neath the covers and studying my pain.....I'm ready to ride.....

Lynn Anderson -- Rose Garden

signs....

With the Beloved's water of life,
no illness remains
In the Beloved's rose garden of union,
no thorn remains.
They say there is a window from
...one heart to another
How can there be a window
where no wall remains?
~Rumi~

Rumi Let me stop looking at myself and start looking at You,
for you are nearer to me than I am to myself.

and so i prayed for and sent energy to him as a sign of peace and good will..

There is a love beyond time, a love that breathes life into a corps,
that turns enemies into lovers, where spirit kisses your lips.....
~Rumi

   ahh i will find my rose garden without thorns someday..

Outlaw Poet .....starting over

Timothy Johnson MORNINGS ARE NOT FOR YESTERDAY its your time to walk a new.no matter the season of your life.even winter can have a summer sky.all you have to do is try.with the morning tide.you can fly..dreams are not for memories.they are for you to chace.start out walking then run.leaving the clouds for the sun.find your love the one.its ok have fun.....the outlaw poet

yes i am walking anew and walking my path to find my one...

SAFE IN MY HEART if your world gos dark.ill shine my light.when you stumble and fall.ill help make things right.as we grow old.we will be together at night.if you lose your way.i will help you see.when summers turn to winters.your new years will be with me.as our love grows stronger.in you ill always believe.if you give me your love.it will be safe in my heart....the outlaw poet...A PROMISE TO KEEP

thats all i want, a man who will keep me and my love safe..

WITHOUT YOU the moon would be lost without the stars.there could be no love without beating hearts.there could be no dancing without summer rains.i would still be searching without your name.there would be no song without love to send.there could be no ride without the wind.there could be no summer without skys so blue..theres only half of me without you...the outlaw poet

ahh yes i feel like half of me is missing too...

2-25-11 Pulling out the Thorns

Be quiet and tear the thorn from your heart.
Uncover in silence your soul’s own rose garden.

2-25-11    Pulling out the Thorns

So Tuesday was back to work day and I gotta say it's nice to go to work, trying to fill up my days and nights right now with no cable, little money to go out with and all is a real challenge. I like going to work it makes me feel good, a sense of accomplishment, a sense of being part of the work world and being needed. I can see why the un-employed get depressed. Speaking of depression though I was feeling some twinges of it and after work when Deb called me to tell me about a new group she talked someone into creating I got really sad. I had seen events being planned and I was so upset with myself for not calling places and setting things up so that I can make a little money. I have phone phobia, hate hate hate to make phone calls, it's something I have had my whole life. In college they tried to help me with that but it didn't last long. Anyway she called and I ended up in tears of frustration. She paitently talked me through it, helped me to re-write my meetup description and compose an e-mail to a venue she thinks I should work with. Sometimes the simplest of things can feel so daunting when you aren't in the right frame of mind, times like those say a prayer for a good friend to come along and lend a hand...

Wednesday was a little better, work is going smoothly, dull and routine but smoothly I can apreceite the respite of it all. I got an e-mail in the afternoon from Sonia, a co-worker from my last site and she was visiting there and said she heard about my Mom and wanted to treat me for coffee and talk. That was so nice to see her, we used to eat lunch together every day and since moving to my new location I have always ate at my desk due to my heavy workload. It was good to talk and I told her about the funeral and our money woes and my money woes but she said it will get better and I knew it would. I came home that night and got to thinking about how Randy has sneered at the are of the house I put a bid on, mentioning how it was a neighborhood of a few ethnic races so I shot out and e-mail to him saying he better not put me down as at least they weren't trashy falling down fences, garbage in the yard and falling apart cars everywhere like his house and the trash he lives with. Oh yes I did, it still stings that he choose that over me and I am human when I hurt, the thorn from him goes deep.....I need to feel this pain and work it out of myself I knew.... I have many friends from these ethnic categories he mentioned and they treat me with love and respect unlike the class of pepople he associates with, its not the color of your skin that matters its the color of your aura, the color of your soul.....that's what I look at. I was seeing more and more how muddy he's let his become...


Thursday another dull work day but Mary called and wanted to meet for dinner, we talked some more about Randy and his "wife" she said that woman doesn't care he sneaks to see me because if she did she would have come to find me by now since she knows who I am and my events are all over craigslist. She said again that woman is going to leave him but she said I suspect by the time he comes back to you , you wont want him anymore.....because no matter what he wants to stay 12 and not grow or heal or be the man you need him to be. He just isn't choosing it and he is going to end up alone the way I see things now. Yes I said I see it now, seeing HER really turned me off to him, made me look at him as not clean. She said he was bitter oh so bitter to me for leaving him, he called her many times crying over me, he really loved me but now he has let his bitterness harden his heart to you and he won't allow himself to open his heart and love you anymore. I gotta work this pain out of me I told her.....and then once I do I can let it go. I went home and checked my mail before bed, he logged onto his messenger service and I sent him a message, better go to be the wife is waiting for you and quickly logged off. Oh yes I am behaving badly I need to pull out this thorn and stop thrashing around in pain.

I went to bed and tried to sleep and just started crying and crying. I pleaded with God to bring me home, to let me die , there is no one left her on this earth who needs me I said. My mom is dead my Dad soon, Jeremy moved out Dustin barely talks to me beacause of the judgmental faith he's chose to follow....Randy was the only man since my divorce that I wanted to spend my life with and he wants to stay with a mean old hateful ugly shrew of a woman who doesnt love him and only uses him for a place to live because he'd rather not be with me because I wanted him to be with me a little more and not go out and play as much.......my meetup groups arent growing, I built all these groups and now others make money and I have so little......I don't know where I am going to live......I thought I can sell my house give the money to my boys and go home to heaven, the insurance money too would give them a good start I could make Dustin executor so he could look over Jeremy's share.......God PLEASE just let me come home, no one here needs me anymore........ God ignored me........ I sat there and sobbed and sobbed and when I was done sobbing I said oh God I am so sorry so sorry for not being greatful for what I do have, and I feel asleep thanking him for my home my car my sons my friends my job.......

Today the card was Surrender and Release and I knew what I had to do.... I reached out to several of my spiritual friends for love and prayers and light and support and they all answered me. Beth reminded me that we are going through a major shift right now and many are also going through depression and sickeness and hard times. She told me of seeing her guy this past week and how he stung her through and through as well, its time to pull these thorns our of our sides. So I deleted him from everything my phone my address books my messengers..gone, done, pulled out. I don't care if he's my twin flame, and that Mary gets chills when I say that to her too, he wants to stay 12 yrs old (and I just needed him to be 22 sigh) he wants to ride that 1970s falling apart un-safe motorcylce at 95mph and bash me for not riding it with him, he wants to play and play and not clean or repair his home, and he let his cat die instead of taking it to the vet and getting it medication, he didn't come see me and give me a hug when my Mom died. Nope priorities are askew and he wants to stay that way, I left him because his immaturity stabbed me again and again and I hoped he would grow up a little but he chose not to. He's gotta go from my hear...I pulled out the thorn and while there is a big gaping wound here I know that it will heal........

Today I want you to pull out your own thorns, the people and things that hurt you, or even the memories of the people and the things that hurt you. Its time to heal, the planet is shifting, big changes are coming, we must be strong and ready to do the work that is coming. I must stand alone for now and perhaps someone will come later to be work with me as my partner but for now I must heal and grow strong and so must you........there is a rose garden for us all once we get past these thorns........


With Love and in the Light,  Cassie

Lynn Anderson -- Rose Garden

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WO4wcNVbYOQ

PS:
Forgot to add that my Dad called me up this week and told me the funeral director stopped over to see him, remember we were 4k short on the bill and asked for donations in lieu of flowers to help pay for the funeral. Anyway he called to tell me that the bill was paid in full! He said that and anoymous donor had given the money to cover the costs! Praise the Lord was all we both could say and Dad said see I told you God would look out for this somehow. Now I don't know if my Uncle gave the money, or the funeral home waived the costs or even perhaps my birth father called and paid for it to make up for abandoning me and mom 50 years ago....I don't know who paid that bill but I do know that faith made it happen. I must keep this in my heart.........faith can make anything happen so I have to belive now that I will have enough money and I will have a good new home and someone will come along and love me back the and want to walk lifes path by my side.......have faith my friends for its all you need to have everything......

ADELE - MAKE YOU FEEL MY LOVE FULL LENGTH + LYRICS

2-21-11 To FEEL Love

2-21-11  To FEEL Love

So Friday on the way home I decided to try and call Randy back, not to fix things but to communicate and to be a friend, he didn't answer......then I went to pick up Jeremy so he could take some more things home and borrow my vacum. My phone rang while we were driving home and he got it and turned it off, who was it I asked? Randy and I don't want you talking to him. But he called again while we were at the house and I snuck off to talk to him a bit... (story of my life sneaking around to talk to Randy). He was on his way to Vermont , all alone, he didn't bring up the e-mail or the text and after a 5 min I said I had to go Jeremy was there and he don't like me talking to him....oh really he said, yes really I said. Oh ok then talk to you later... I patted myself on the back for not running and hiding and giving him a chance (which he did not take) to talk. I then took Jeremy home with his stuff, the little bugger snuck a package of crackers and the second can of cheese in his laundry basket! It's ok though, it was worth it to see him for an hour...

Saturday morning I woke up and had been dreaming about Randy, in my dream he just kept saying he apreciated me and he was sorry for hurting me. In my dream I was crying and not listening to him. So I did some cleaning of my house, that always makes me feel so good to have a clean house and went to get my vacum back from Jeremy and then to the dollar store. I was dismayed to find I had very little money in my wallet, I think someone took several $20s but Jeremy swore he did not when I called him, I just said he would get really bad karma if he stole from his mom.... I went home and rested and got up and got ready for the singles dance. I did my best to look nice but I did gain back the weight I lost this time last year, and I don't like my hair I need to do something with it....but as I took one glance in the mirror I heard "you look pretty"... that was probably my mom or grandma.... The singles dance was a huge success but too hot and too crowded for my taste, wasn't even room to get on the dance floor, my people weren't that happy with it and I promised to research other things for the future.

Sunday I had the walking event scheduled for the mall, only one person signed up for it though but still I wanted to go. I also got a few nudges from my voice and decided to to to Mass first. Now mind you I had not been to this church since I had a falling out with a guy I knew but I figured enough time had passed and heck this had been my church too and I missed it so I went.....and oh it was so nice to be there! I had missed it, and Fr Doug and during the whole service my heart just warmed from the inside. I saw that my old friend noticed me in the comunion line and he looked  startled, I was going to nod a charitable hello as I passed but he turned away from me. Oh well I thought, I had not come here because of him or to spite him I had come regardless of him....and after mass I slipped out quickly. I had to get to the event I scheduled anyway, but no one showed up! :( It's so hard building these new groups..ugh. But I had a %20 off coupon for Macy's and decided to treat myself to a new blouse for going to singles events and I got a $60 one for only $9 and felt good. I then went home at 4 to take a short nap........and woke up at midnight! How did that happen? I ended up changing into my nightgown and going to sleep till 6am monday.....

Monday I woke up all distressed, I had a bad dream about Randy and his woman. How upsetting that I choose to go past him and move on and he haunts my dreams! But I must work through all of this or it will keep hurting me. In the dream he took me home to tell "her" that he and I were going to be together and she needed to move on, her reaction was to scream and yell and tell him off while he tried to apease her, she said "let her get her own man" and I went outside to wait for him, he never came and she said she was calling friends over to play cards and he sat down with her, didnt even get up to say good bye to me when I called that I was leaving.....thats what I woke up to! And I was depressed and crying most of the morning.........oy vey this won't do it just won't do. I put in an emergency call to Mary and she said well Cassie you have to expect him to stay with her, because she stays, with you it was always the threat that you'd leave him, and we talked on this and she made me remember that I never felt his love and I spent the whole relationship trying to get him to prove his love for me...but nothing ever did she said this is why he stays with someone who doesnt love him and when he loves you, for the stability. She said read back over my blogs and see how many times I have dumped him and gone back...I knew she was right. And I knew I had to work on this or I would repeat the same patterns with the next guy who came along..... So I set to work the only way I know how...

I spoke to Anthony and got up a singles improv event posted, one that will help with talking to the opposite sex and give confidence. He also coached me on some proper food shopping so I did buy some better things to eat when I did my grocery shopping. I also corresponded with Wendy and we got the Love Your Body healing meditation workshop up and advertised. I then rested this afternoon and visited with my son this evening. He came over and we had a chat about his wrong choices right now, I advised but I didn't get too involved. I feel better this evening and I know I need to take care of me, I need to love and nurture myself, I need to learn to feel good about myself and I need to work on FEELing love. I can feel so much love for others but I can't feel their love back for me. My prayer tonight when I go to bed and everynight untill I can get this is: Dear God please show me and help me to trust and belive in the love that others have for me Amen. I know that untill I get this right I don't care what man comes into my life it won't work unless I fix this, unless I can believe in and feel loved by another person. Loving I got that down pat........being LOVED, feeling LOVE... well that's what I need to work on.......

Today I want you to embrace those around you and really FEEL the heart connection there, and I want you to hug yourself and feel the love there.....thaw that heart.....open it up  and feel the love..........because no matter what or who you have in your life, no matter how much love........if you don't trust yourself enough to feel it you will always feel empty and alone....

With Love and in the Light, Cassie

ADELE - MAKE YOU FEEL MY LOVE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fnn9JlqqTE4

the outlaw poet....men do the damnest things

LOVE AGAIN its been awhile.since i heard a love song.and thought it played for me.seems like someone else.whose heart danced in love.now its hard to believe.im beginning to love again.its been hard.telling my heart to hold on.knowing memories may be all thats left.seems like a movie.me an actor on her stage.now you the very best.im beginning to love again....the outlaw poet

my love is drying up waiting for out on the counter for him to come home....

WITH YOU TONIGHT.how are you tonight.did you feel the angels smile.have your dreams taken flight.did your heart find its wings.have you gently sailed lifes winds.tell me am i with you tonight..does love have eyes.did you see jesus smile.have you bathed in its light.did you find your secret room.has your man found the key.tell me am i with you tonight.am i with you tonight.....the outlaw poet

not yet he's not found the key to my heart, it's only a hug.......

OUTLAW PRINCESS sweet outlaw princess..you massage my soul..with your words..love dances to life..like butterflys..free in the wind..you are my poem..where my heart looked..and found where love begins..you are my rhyme..my only season..the love of mine..my only season..the love of mine..my outlaw princess..for all our time.......the outlaw poet

it feels like this winter will never go away.....and i so hate the cold...

MY LADY at night i see her..my lady in blue jeans..dancing across my dreams..her long blonde hair..gently flowing on her shoulders..she moves my heart..with every step she takes..the dance of soulmates..my soulmate my lady.....the outlaw poet

Too bad I am not a blonde....

GOOD BYE someday you may feel me.as a single drop of rain.or hear me whispering.from a distant railroad train.and when our stories told.it will be of loves refrain.there will never come a time.when i dont call your name.....the outlaw poet

yeah men always says we leave them but its them who leave us to ride....

WHAT COLOR WERE HER WINGS were they blue.because shes missing me.was it a tear.or a raindrop in her eye.making it hard to see.WHAT COLOR WERE HER WINGS were they white.thinking how things should be.was it a prayer.softly on her lips.being sent to me.if you see my lonely angel.tell her im sorry.men do the damnest things. WHAT COLOR WERE HER WINGS...the outlaw poet

tell her your self, you've left her wings black and blue.......yet somehow i cant stop having dreams about you....

Westlife*~*What Becomes Of The Broken Hearted*~*

2-18-11 Broken Hearts

2-18-11  Broken Hearts

Today I am going to talk about a BIG topic, a topic that touches each and every one of us in a small or a grand scale---broken hearts.

Monday night my good friend Deb and I went out and celebrated Valentine's Day it helped me to get past the hurt that Randy never called me and I was single another year.  I know that he cares for me but I also know that he is wounded and is afraid to behave in loving ways. It's really sad how our hearts get broken, and then we are left with shards that just jab and stab the ones who come after and try to pick up the broken pieces and hold them. But that's because you can't heal anyone else for them they have to heal themselves.......and I speak of myself when I say this too, my still sharp edges have hurt those who have come to love me too, but as I heal and continue to heal there are less and less of those broken edges...I've come a long way because I keep my heart soft and not hard as that's the only way it can heal.

Tuesday night I got an IM from the wife of a guy I had dated a long time ago, I had loved him but he didn't love me so much, as a friend yes but romantically no, I suspect the main reason was because I loved him so much and I was kind to him and the women he was attracted to were the mean and bossy ones, this comes from his own brokeness and life's hurts. If you are raised with mis-treatment you recognize and are drawn to it, until you do the hard work of healing... Anyway he had long told me that they had an open marriage and I know that it bothered him, he'd IM or call me often worrying about where she was or who she was with......till finally he found a "toy" of his own and it's been a year or more since I heard from him. But on this night she IMed me, saying how she didn't like the arrangement any more she wanted her husband to herself. I told her to TALK to him that I knew how much he loves her and I bet they could work this out...oh if only people could communicate and talk to each other about how they really feel....I think it was HER idea the open marriage and I think because she thought he could never be happy with only her....but really the reason a man strays is almost always ego issues...I told her to build up his ego by saying good things to him and let me know how it works out in a few weeks.

Wednesday night I had dinner with a gal pal who told me some of her woes with her current boyfriend. They very much parallel the ones I had when I was Randy's girlfriend and that was he didn't spend much time with her. I told her I bet its because he was used to being alone for so long and doing his own thing and not having someone to be intimate with and her eyes got all big and she said yes that's what he said! She told me how he had scheduled dental work on Valentines day and didn't understand why she got so upset, he said we can celebrate any day but she was hurt. In the end he changed his appointment and took her out but she was hurt that she had to ask, I told her don't be they aren't all trained. It occurs to me that we women put such a big deal on Valentines day as it is the day set aside (albeit commercially) to prove your love with flowers, candy, romantic (over priced) dinner and plush pets with red "fur". Trust me, if your partner is loving the rest of the time Valentines gestures don't mean a thing, and if they are not the rest of the time it truly won't matter how much they spend on that day.

Now on the topic of money for a moment, as you recall I was working on an event to make a little money on for super bowl and I had a falling out with the gals. It really is sad how so many let panic over money turn them into not so nice people. But anyway they had decided to split the money 3 ways and sent me a check for my share. It was a nice gesture and meant a lot to me, I had worked hard to help them over the years and never profited myself. But when the check came my little voice said "you don't have to cash that you know"..but I really need this money I thought......so I left it and didn't take it to the bank and gave it some more thought. My guy friend and I were talking about it, and he's a very successful business man whom I respect and he told me to rip the check up, he said you can always make more...so that's what I did and I wrote  and told her. She was very grateful, asked me was I sure and then said she should give some of it back to the other gal, I told her that was her call as I had helped to build another event for the Friday and she has gotten all the money for that.... But I know in my heart I did the right thing, sure I need money, but I know that in order to get I fist must GIVE, without strings, without wanting back to just give.......the same way it is for love..... but so sad how we let so much fear of lack weather it be for money or love or anything that we don't give...

Thursday I was off work and headed down to Keyport to do some more house hunting, this is so not fun anymore but I am hanging on........we looked at a few in the other town and they were awful, we looked at a short sale (the one I ended up putting a bid on) and we looked near Randy's house also. During this looking I had to go past his house so I was going to sneak by as quickly as I could.......as I turned the corner i saw HER....It was shocking to see her, my god! I am not one to judge or criticize a person but not only was this woman horribly ugly she was the kind of ugly that you can tell came from inside her soul and rotten heart. I could tell in an instant from the aura I saw around her that every thing he had told me about how awful she treated him and the kids was true! She was so ugly that I knew there was no way I could ever let him touch me again knowing he was with her and then came to me. I know I am sounding shallow and cruel here but I tell you this woman was ugly because of her choices. Each one of us is born into this life with a beautiful body and a beautiful soul, and life does take its toll on all of us......but how many crippled have you seen who just radiate a warm loving aura and how many possibly rich and spoiled ones radiate an ugly negative aura? People don't become ugly from the outside in they become ugly from the inside out. That is what this woman was and I felt sorry for her, and angry at him for choosing this over me. All for the sake of his riding!

I went to town and signed the papers to make the bid and then texted him to see if he could come see me, it was 2:30 and I knew he didn't work till 5.......I can't was his reply....that stung too so I texted I saw her, she looks ugly and as mean as you described, good luck with that......no reply........I then headed towards where I was meeting Wendy for the first of the healing work we were going to do. I was early so I stopped for dinner and couldn't help but think about all this so I texted again......I said I just want to know why, instead of getting me back you choose that? please tell me so I can understand.......his reply: because she rode the motorcycle, just like you suggested. My reply.. Then u never loved me, you only love riding and u told me she don't ride anymore...but u rite she will never leave no one else will ever take her.  I went to my seminar and he called, I told him I can't talk, I tried to call him when driving home but he didn't answer. He tired to call me today while I was at work, I didn't pick up. I am 99% sure he was trying to get me to go to VT last minute, the work buddy probably backed out like always.....point is though I was only the back up plan. Randy loves riding, randy loves motorcycles and snowmobiles and playing with the boys and he will always love that more than any woman.

I recognize that he learned this behavior because he wasn't nurtured properly growing up, his heart is wounded. I also realize that my running away from men when they hurt me, friends too for that matter, is my learned behavior from me not being nurtured. Many things came out in the workshop with Wendy last night, most of all that I deserve much more love than Randy gives to me. It's time to finish healing, I have done much work over the years it's time to finish, well we are never finished but I meant it's time to be healed enough and ready enough for a loving partner. For as much as I wish someone would love me how I am I know that my shards still poke a little those who get too close and I have made much progress in staying and communicating instead of running away but I can improve there too. So a bit more healing work, a lot of nurture me time and I should be ready for love. And when my heart is all glowy and new I know it will be a beacon of light that draws the right man to it. We also talked last night of being with the right partner, one who rises together with us in love rather than one who drags us back down, as the bible calls "unequally yolked" I must find a man who also has done the healing work on himself, Randy it appears would rather stay broken I can't get close to that or I am not loving myself.....no this heart of mine is going to glow!

What becomes of the Broken Hearted? Well that's up to them....they can heal or they can stay broken.....they can walk the path that leads them to love and intimacy or they can walk the path that keeps them lost and alone....there are always choices......each and everyday a brand new choice......as for me I'm healing more and more everyday and I am looking for the heart that is going to embrace and nurture mine right back.......


With Love and in the Light, Cassie

What Becomes Of The Broken Hearted

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-fVL9FldD6U

Outlaw poet...still spinning his wheels like me..

Timothy Johnson

WHY NOT BETTER across the hall she sets alone.white hair on her shoulders.her skin wrinkled with time.staring at photos on the wall.of ones she gave her love.so their lives could shine.now she only whispers.if i could only touch them.my life would be just fine.why cant we do better.spend time and give our love.while we still have the time....the outlaw poet

Timothy Johnson

if youre feeling tired.and need some rest.just make extra room in your bed.for my hopes my dreams my spirit.will be sleeping with you.and you gotta watch them.for theyll want to cuddle.up next to your heart........the outlaw poet...SWEET DREAMS GOOD NIGHT

Timothy Johnson AINT USE TO LOVING A LADY theres been so many times.women have been untrue.their words so sweet.i know so well rehearsed.love turned into a game.i didnt care to play.then you came along.singing your song.you taught me.to want and need.i love you always.even if at times it dont show.its just your old outlaw.aint use to loving a lady.....the outlaw poet

how i gonna know you love me if you don't act like ya do???

PS-how to be the perfect girlfriend or boyfriend

I found these videos from a site a friend had sent me, they are funny but they also pack a lot of truth!


http://www.videojug.com/film/how-to-be-the-perfect-girlfriend

http://www.videojug.com/film/how-to-be-the-perfect-boyfriend

Heart - What About Love?

2-14-11 It's all About LOVE

2-14-11   It's all About LOVE

Happy Valentine's Day everyone! I hope you are all out there soaking up and sending out the love in as many directions and to as many people as you can!

So Wednesday night after finishing writing I was tired and sick and heading to bed to watch movies when my phone rang at 9pm, it was Randy. He said did I get his text, I said no what did you say and he said he wanted to know if I wanted to ride up to Conneticut with him to get his snowmobile and trailer and sleep over and come home in the morning. Yes I am not kidding that's what he said and he was really dissapointed that I couldn't drop everything and go despite the fact that I had been out of work 5 days for the funeral. Men.....sheeeseeee. I talked to him a bit but I was tired and he sounded sad that he was alone, I felt like saying why didn't his "wife" go but I bit my tounge. I am too weary for this game with him anymore, just too weary....

Thursday night I had dinner with Mary and we were talking about various things on my mind about my life when she said hey I think your Mother is here! Oh yeah neat I said, I have gotten very used to this now and told her to ask her if she was with Grandma and she said yes. She then told Mary that she was happy that I got her book, Mary asked what book and I told her that I had bought from my Dad her Kindle book he had gotten for her for Christmas, he was going to try to re-sell it on e-bay but I knew he would never get his full cost back and I kinda sorta wanted one even though I feared spending the money on it, but I knew he needed the money desperatley. Then Mary said do I want to know even a "bad" thing and I said sure and she said that Mom said Dad was going to be joining her soon, possibly before next winter. I told her that I would be sad to have no parents left but I would worry about him less if he was with her than living there alone in Belmont, but oh Dustin was going to take it VERY hard. I asked her give me some warning so I can prepare him, and she said she knew a couple days before she died that she was going to go and she was ready. She also said that she has came and walked around my property and down by the river (I told Mary she had lived here for a short wile and loved my river) and that she saw me all alone and cold in this house and she was going to work with the "saints" up there and find me a very nice house in Keyport and get me moved very soon. She also said that she was going to go visit Randy in his dreams and get to work on his so that he would heal so we could be together. I really had mixed feelings on that one, again I am tired of working on him ...but she assured me that when it happens it will be with a deep intensity, that every thing is going to be different in that regard. I am wise enough to know that they can and do have some powers up there but nothing on heaven or earth is more poweful than a person's free will.....so we will see...we will see, for now I just want to get my new home and said work on that for me, I am too mad at him for giving his home and everything to "them" and leaving me alone, broke and cold. Just get me a home and Mary said she said they are working on it and Grandma said it's good for me to have my OWN home as it will be MY nest egg, my security and I saw the wisom in that. She also kept saying something about two moves, we have no idea what she meant by that.

Friday after work I picked up some tax paper work from my lawyer that I needed to fill out and got very alarmed and upset about the calculations of how much I was paying out and what I was going to get back after the sale. It greatly lowered my buying price and I wrote to Mike for us to find cheaper homes to look at on Sunday. We spent the day doing this saturday, and I didn't even go out. My son and his roomate also came over and helped me get his room cleaned out and we burned some gargbage. I gave him a heart shaped box of chocolates for V-day but I didn't send anything to Dustin as he says he thinks that holiday is stupid. I also put some things on craigslist to sell cheap and a few things for free. I then had a second thought and texted Randy to see if he wanted the zip together sleeping bags and he said OK. I had texted him before when I fount out I was going to be in the area sunday to see if he wanted to see me but he said he had to work till 8pm, I assumed he had to get home to "the wife" and he didn't correct me on that one.. Yep saturday was not such a good day, just work and letting go. I did go rent "The Time Traveler's Wife" from RedBox and enjoyed that movie for the second time.... ahhh to be loved like that....

Sunday I woke up and had an idea and I texted Randy to see if he wanted to meet at 2pm for lunch since I had to go down there for open houses and house hunting anyway. Maybe he said.......I knew it depended on his work schedule so I texted back that I would be at Wendys at 2 and eat and hang and if he didnt make it over then I would just put the sleeping bags in the bed of his truck and leave. I just had it in my mind that I wanted to see him for Valentine's day and I hoped he'd at least say Happy Valentine's day to me........he did not. Instead he rushed over for a bit, said he wasnt going to eat but we did talk a bit, he wanted to tell me all about all his snowmobiling escapades, I mentioned how it was too bad he invited work buddies for the coming weekend as I had off on monday, he looked sad  but didn't say he'd change things for us. Then he jumped up and said he saw work buddies heading over for lunch and went outside, I dumped my tray and met him there and gave him the sleeping bags. We talked a bit but he wouldnt get anywhere near me (we had been holding hands inside before his buddies headed over). I told him  I was starting to like living alone and he made a face, he also asked me if I was going to stay till 8pm and wait for him and I said no you have to get home to the wife you said, nooooo she don't get home till 11pm he said but I said no I didnt plan on it we can catch up another time.  I told him of my house hunting woes and he then started to give me a lecture on money and I got mad and said listen you arent anything to me you can't tell me how to spend my money.......not anything to you he asked? Not really no, not my husband, not my boyfriend you have no say I said. That's when he decided he had to get back to work, so no hug, no Happy Valentines Day, nothing.....let down again.......sigh.

I then went off to go to some open houses while I waited for my realtor. I somehow though started to get chest pains and felt an anxiety attack, and when Mike came after only three really awful houses I called it a day, told him I guess we need to broaden the search area, and chose a town further south of Keyport, one with a bad reputation but also one that I have hopes for it to improve. He said its a high crime area and I told him I am not afraid of that as God will protect me, and I know if I live there the area will improve. I know that sounds egotiistical of me but I know that I can bring prayer and reiki and blessings to where ever I end up moving. I went home and did a hunt for some houses in that town and found a couple, and they were pink! Deborah told me I would get a pink house and one of the bedrooms would be small and I would make it an office.......now the two are vastly different, one is new and nice and more expensive the other is really cheap and low taxes but needs heating and cooling upgrades....going to have to pray on this. I also got a call from a gal pal whom I have hoped to spend more time with and we had a lovely time talking and are going to have a girls night real soon. I then texted Randy to apologize for getting angry with him trying to tell me how to handle my money and said I know you were just tring to help.....I got no reply.....

I woke up today feeling a bit sad that I don't have a Valentine, but the angel card  was Romance, and that shows to me that the Angels are working on this for me. I now see my anxiety yesterday was my "gut" telling me to stay away from Randy, this is just too painful, he is just so broken that he won't give love to me no matter what I do for him. I know in my heart that he does love me on some level but he won't let go of the fear and the pain and he won't forgive me for leaving him before and give us a fighting chance. I saw this on FB today: If Love is what we want and seek...then why do we let fear dictate our choices and lifes? I wish I had the answer to that one....... but currently my energy is on home shopping, re-building my social network, and taking care of me. I did get a call from a friend I had fight with a few weeks ago and we patched things up, he told me he fights with a lot of people but me I make him mad like family! He's Italian and I was married to one so I totally got what he meant by that and apreciated the compliment. LOl And I did find out that my laywer made a calculation error so I do have more money for a downpayment....but his calculation error made me consider that next town south, perhaps I belong there instead......let Randy stay safe with his family and I won't be as near them.......don't look to me like he's ever going to choose me over them.....sigh

Today is Valentine's Day and today I am loving the most important person in my life...ME! I am not going to keep starving for love, I am going to take care of myself and enjoy the meal that is on my plate right now! I have plenty of love in my life from friends and family too and tonight I am going out to a nice dinner with a very good gal pal and I am  happy today, now , with the love that I have. I want you all to do the same........Valentine's day is not about being loved is it about being LOVE.......love love love love love. Never stop, and always start with the person in the mirror! It's not so bad to dodge cupid arrows.....he has to hit me with his best shot.....

With Love, and in the Light,  Cassie

Heart - What About Love?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KE5GGMhmo-M

The Ties That Bind (solo acoustic) Bruce Springsteen 11/8/2005 Philly

2-9-11 The Ties That Bind

2-9-11  The Ties That Bind

When I left off last wednesday night Randy called, he said he was at work and for a change had a quiet truck and could talk. I asked him how his day went and he said he spent it working on his snowmobile. Yep so that's the reason why he didn't offer to come up and see me the night before to comfort me, I knew he was off on Wed but as always his snowmobile came first. Jeremy came down and was motioning me to hang up, he had told me earlier that he didn't like Randy for me that I needed to find a man who'd take care of me when I needed him so I didn't stay on the phone long, torn between my love for him and the lack that I see in his actively loving me.


So I wake up thursday morning ready to head to Ohio, the first thing I see is a note from my oldest boy Dustin that he is de-friending me again on facebook, as you may recall we had a falling out before and weren't talking. The problem with him is he has very rigid religious beliefs like my father does and they are so very judgemental of every thing else that is not thier belief. I realize they are taught that they must save the rest of us by showing us the light but Ugh. I wrote back though and told him that if he really couldn't not comment on what my friends say then yes its probably for the best. He doesn't know how much my freinds and family facebook connections mean to me, reading about thier day to day lives, seeing thier photos, trading a message or comment here and there, I was really going to miss the connection with him.... But anyway I had a long drive ahead of me and no time to waste, I had to drive across PA with Jeremy the unruly one, to Pittsburgh to get Dustin the judgemental one, and then to Belmont to my Dad's, the cranky one...boy did I wish I had something to get me through this ordeal to come, but I realized I do I have my inner peace and I can go to that anytime I need it...so off I went to bury my mommy.....

The drive to Ohio actually wasn't so bad, Jeremy and I it turns out had plenty to talk about and I was pleased to listen and talk to him more as a friend than as a parent and learn he also has a strong desire to help others. I listened to his tales and gave him some words of wisdom based on my own experiences of helping others. We got to the airport in record time and Dustin looked glad to see me, guess he did miss his mommy some too....and when we got to Dad's house he was glad to see us all and I must say we all managed to get along quite well the whole time, that's the thing about families we may fight and bicker in our day to day but when tragedy strikes we all pull together and stand side by side and thats because of the good glue we have called LOVE, it may stretch till it's paper thin but when the going gets tough it snaps right back and holds you together. Don't ever, no matter how hard you fight, underestimate the power of family love, and family doesn't neccesarily mean blood bond either....

Friday night was the viewing, we received friends from 5-7pm in the same funeral home that we used for both my grandparents and my great grandma before and countless other relatives over the years. I was glad we did it, a chance for people to come and have some closuer, I cried when I saw mom was wearing the dress she wore to my wedding, and joked that it's the same dress I wore to Gus's high school prom (he was a teacher and I chaperoned with him) when I was pregnant with Jeremy, LOL  Apparently she had it picked out and had it all washed and cleaned ready for this day. LOL that's mom for ya. I had been dismayed because I had spent the last 24 hrs since my arrival looking for my grandma's engagment ring, the one they gave me when she died but my mom wanted it so after a year or two I let her have it and she said well you can get it when I die....but it was lost and my one aunt told a story about how she thought someone stole it from my mom at wal-mart, and my mom thought she gave it to me...in the end though right before we headed over to the funeral home I found it among her perfume bottles. We also put some photos and her bible and other things in the casket. My cousin Brad (the one who met me in NYC for Christmas) came with his partner and the first thing he showed me was that he had the SpiritStone I gave him in his pocket. It gave me an idea and when Dustin came over and sat with me and sobbed and sobbed on my shoulder  I got out a SpiritStone for him and charged it and then decided to give one to my Mom too! So I got a nice rose quartz one for love and put it under her hand, I instantly had a vision of her greeting me in heaven and holding out the stone to me saying see I held onto it till you got here...this gave me much comfort.

The next day we all went to breakfast together and then to the funeral home for the service, I took a picture of the no gun sign in the window and sent it to Randy. The funeral  was sad and I cried but not too too much, from where I sat I could see the spirtitstone in her hand, and that reminded me of the vision of the night before and gave me comfort, yes I was handling this pretty darn well I told myself, at least till they got to the end and I realized they were going to close the casket and take my mommy away! Oh how I started sobbing then, but thankfully there were plenty of friends and family to come over and give me a hug as they passed by the casket to say thier last goodbyes. The next thing was the ride over to the funeral, me, my sons, my Dad and my cousin's son were in the car from the funeral home as we rode to the cemetary. Talk about dead silence, it was defaning, then I recalled a funny story my friend Larry told me. He's a mortician and when he was new on the job he was driving the herase with the whole funeral proccesion behind him and somehow took a wrong turn and got stuck driving through the african safari section at Great Adventure! I kid you not, he said lions were charging them, baboons were jumping on the roof and monkeys were pulling on wiper blades, he thought for certain he was going to get fired! As it turns out the family was quite touched by it stating that thier desceased loved one simply adored african animals and they were so moved that his last ride went through there! We all had a chuckle and went on to the business of getting my mom to the cemetary....

The church had a luncheon for us after the ceremony and we all got to sit and visit some. Dustin and I walked into the sanctury before heading downstairs to eat and I was amazed by the sign in the back of the church: Do a whole lot less judging and a whole lot more loving. I pointed it out to him and just said love love love love that will fix us all, I know he means well and will get this one day. We then headed down to eat and my cousin Rob, who was born on my 5th birthday had been telling me a story of how he climbed to the top of a river to get stones for a buddy and how a hawk flew over, I was amazed by the story so he brought me some of the stones and the flint from this very sacred area. Our native american roots go deep. I gave him a spiritstone, his wife Gail and my Aunt Sandy too...when I asked them what they wanted them chanrged with they all said PEACE, so peace it was. Then Gail asked if I could also add help with a trial and I said no only one thing at at time but I do think in order for you to have peace this will also be a part of it...

Sunday the boys and I went to church with my Dad as I knew how happy that would make him. I even asked for prayer and let them anoint me with oil and lay hands on me, they did Jeremy at the same time and I did feel better. It was hard though to sit there during the singing because they sang all of my Mom's favorite songs and I just kept crying but crying's good for the soul and it's good to get it out. The trip back home on Monday was pretty much un-eventful. I did text Randy to check on him and he called, he had called me every day since my Mom died except for sunday night and I sensed something wasn't quite right with him and I was correct....he called and told me a tale of a guy he met, a possible riding buddy who kinda blew him off and he was hurt, kept asking me if there was something wrong with him. Jeremy grabbed the phone and asked him if he'd take him snowmobiling if he could raise the money to pay for the gas and he said sure sure I'll take you. I wish Randy could see how desperately Jeremy wants his attention and companionship....if we had lived closer I am sure that would have grown more as they have so very much in common.....sigh..... But yeah there's a bond of Love there with Randy that no matter how much he ticks me off it will last, it's stood the test of time. Jeremy commented angrily in the car why don't you just tell him to make them move out so you can move in with him and I said no I can't force it, I must leave it in God's hands.....

Today I want you to take a look at the ties that bind your life, the connections, the family, the close friends, even the not so close friends yet the people who no matter what comes, no matter the distance or the obstacles between you,  you know that you are always going to have a connection to them and them to you. We have ties that can bind us to one another, common faiths, experineces, likes search for those to love about one another and forget about the areas when you don't agree. Connect, connect, connect and love love love!  I can't emphasise this enough! And I leave you with this quote:
“Strange is our situation here upon this earth. Each of us comes for a short visit, not knowing why, yet sometimes seeming to a divine purpose. One thing we do know is that we are here for the sake of others..for the countless unknown souls with whose fate we are connected. Many times a day I realize how much my outer and inner life is built upon the labors of peoople, both living and dead, and how earnestly I must exert myself in order to give in return as much as I have received" ~Albert Einstein


With Love and in the Light, Cassie   

The Ties That Bind - Bruce Springsteen
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q83NktVFUD0

Outlaw poet.....waiting just like me

Timothy Johnson
ill hold you tight.dancing under the moonlight.yes lovers hand in hand.barefoot in the sand.with the magic of the sea.our love we will weave..youll touch my heart.looking up at shooting stars.while an outlaw band.plays what midnight understands.yes love songs in the air.forever is everywhere.dreams do come to life.i see forever in your eyes.......the outlaw poet

Timothy Johnson
for everyone winter comes.the days so much shorter.the nights so very cold.dreams of my summers.are still my best friends.of times that never grow old..life is but a simple journey.passing like the blowing wind.its over before you start.love can be your blanket.when winter nears its end.love will warm your heart...............the outlaw poetTimothy Johnson why cant you see the child in me.and play in the sand at the beach.cant we find a time without sorrow.a home untouched by human greed.just a simple life with simple dreams.where just your smile was needed.why cant you see the child in me.with a bond that knows no end.where we can still climb a tree.forgetting about the world around us.where we live for you and me.....the outlaw poetoh i could use a time without sorrow, i am burying my mommy tomorrow..........

Timothy Johnson a fishing line.the aroma of the keys.a sunlit day.your hair blowin in the breeze.love as far as i can see..a shooting star.the magic of the moon.an endless night.just lovers hand in hand.a woman and her man..a fairy tale.her dancing in my dreams.a lovers ball.me singing to your heart.words that will never part........the outlaw poet

Timothy Johnson

from the first time.my soul heard your song.i knew i had to hold you.and love you all life long.we were not by chance.the heavens rained romance.our love had to dance.it took only a moment.my heart felt who you are.i only wanted to love you.under the moon and stars.yes a simple glance.i knew this wasnt chance.our love had to dance.i have always loved you.love had to dance...the outlaw poet...DO YOU SEE ME

Timothy Johnson

the conductor yells all aboard.as steam parts a friendly sky.last train from nowhere to somewhere.he says as we scurry inside.the bagman winks at us and smiles.saying you folks look ready to ride.lets ride trains and iron horses into the night.lets ride where our love is never out of sight.....the outlaw poet

Timothy JohnsonOUTLAW PRINCESS come join me.lets find us a place.where the world.dosnt know were there.ill hold you.where our eyes only see.the essense of love.which is floating everywhere.just kiss me.in a place only you know.where only soulmates.breathe in the air.ill love you.past forever and a day.come join me.let the wind caress....the outlaw poet....ARE YOU READY TO DANCE

yes yes I am ready, lifes's too short to waste I'm ready now.....come get me....

Blue Oyster Cult - Don't Fear The Reaper

2-2-11 Death Came Tapping

2-2-11         Death Came Tapping It's odd how the last few weeks a bird flew into my house at least 5 or 6 times, and one day one was out pecking at the glass of Jeremy's empty bedroom window, he told me it crashed into the window a few times too. He had gotten annoyed about the bird as it was hard to get the stinker out again, and I told him to just shoo it out and quit complaining life was too short to be so cranky. I looked it up online as I recalled that it meant something when this happend, the articles all said it meant that someone was going to die...we both made comments on which one of us it would be if this were true... Turns out it wasn't either one of us..... Monday night I was supposed to meet Mary for dinner but I hadn't heard from her and then Kim G, one of my meetup friends called and wanted to go eat so we went instead. She wanted me to meet her new dog, see her new place with furniture in it and then go for Tahi food (which I don't particularly like but did find something I kinda liked, next time 0 spice for me though) LOL Now she and I have been friends for a long time, and recently she moved just a mile from me, we had promised to spend more time together but other than her housewarming party 6 months ago we had not seen each other... We had a very nice time though telling each other about whats going on in our lives and giving each other advice and encouragement. She said to me, Cassie I know we don't talk often but I have always taken great comfort knowing that you are there...I knew what she meant by that as I am blessed to have many such friends..... Tuesday I went to work and got a call from Jeremy who was all stressed out trying to deal with his fines and his warrants and such, I finally got upset saying i am working, i have NO money to help you and this is beyond my realm. I am your mom my expertise goes to many things but a lawyer I am not or a bank. He hung up and I calmed down and called back but he didn't answer for awhile as he was calling my parents in Ohio to get his big brothers number to ask to borrow money (Dustin recently changed his number and since he's mad at me for yelling at him for preaching to my gay facebook friends he didn't give me the number) Anyway I thought I should call home but then got busy with work........ Later in the afternoon however my computer froze so I used the re-boot time to call home, when Dad answered I said what I always say when I call: "so what's going on over there?"  Your mother died was his statement, I got annoyed with him and told him that's nothing to joke about. I'm not joking he sobbed, she was standing behind me with her hand on my shoulder reading the e-mails and her hand slipped away, I heard a thud and she was dead on the spot. I called 911 but they couldn't bring her back. My first thought was how the heck am I going to get to Ohio with all the bad weather coming, my second thought was how am I going to tell Dustin as I don't have his number, and my third was now I can't go to Vermont with Randy (and all my others thoughts were my Mommy is gone). I had looked up some things to do in VT for the weekend and was happy to see about a winter carnival and snowmobile drag race and sent that info to him earlier in the day. So it was about 2:30, I knew he'd be at Sears and not home so I texted him to tell him. I sent: I can't go to Vermont this weekend, my mom just died. No answer, the one person I love whom I want to be there to comfort me and nothing. He did finally text me at 5:30 once he got to his second job, and he did call at 9:30 and talked to me for an hour when he got off work. I half hoped he'd offer to drive me to Ohio but he didnt offer, and turns out that when he got my text instead of answering me or calling me he spent the rest of his day trying to find someone else to go with him instead. Yeah just like him, when I left him that's how he handled it, instead of trying to get me back he just replaced me with someone else off of craigslist. I spent the evening talking to family and friends who called. I had to go and upgrade to unlimited minutes at Verizon, boy did I pick the wrong week to get rid of my land line right? I posted on facebook (against my friends advice) and I also sent out my half finished CC newsletter, I know to some it may be odd but I tell you that replies I got of comfort and support have really helped me to feel a bit better. In times of loss there's nothing that can help you other than LOVE, the power of it is immesurable. I talked to Dad again, and Jeremy called a few times and then Mary. She said he had called her and asked what should he do and she said just keep calling and checking on her and that's what he's done. Mary asked if I would ask Randy to drive me to Ohio and I said I can't what would he tell "the wife", in our texts earlier I said I am cursed for being with you... He did finally call though and we talked for an hour. I wished he'd offer to at least come see me as I knew he was off today but he didn't and when he whined about having to look for someone else to go to VT I said well you could drive me there you had fun that one time we went, plenty of snow and my Uncles fields....he said hummmmmm errrrrr welllllllllll uhhhh no no not a good idea I am just gonna go up alone and find someone up there to hang with. This is so Randy........ and then I was crying again and said I don't know why so much is going wrong in my life but I think it's this, this is the only bad thing I am doing, stealing you away from them. He went on about how they are just a family that's not his really, he found them on the internet, he said at least I have two boys and I got to have a family. He said you never know something could change......... It's sad to hear him go on how sad he is that he never had a family of his own but it's even sadder to see that he had no clue that its his own fault. He told me story after story of women in his life who left him , and each time the reason was because he went off to play instead of going home when he should. I wonder how many of those women really needed him at those moments too like I felt I needed him. I also recalled how twice I thought I was pregnant with his kid but he held back to see what happend and never stepped up.. no that man is alone with no family because he is selfish-- it really is true the amount of love you get is equal to the amount of love you GIVE. And love is showing up. calling, texing being there, showing up... I also talked to him about maybe now Mary will be able to talk to my mom too like she does my grandma and I am looking forward to them meeting. Randy said I lost all my powers, I used to be able to see all these spirits and they follwed me all the time and they were always with me but when you left me and my new family moved in all that went away. I explained to him that I think he lost his powers because he chose a different path. I know that my job here on this planet is to heal people to help people to bring people together. I told him I was so very happy when he came into my life because I thought he was to be the partner I felt all along who was coming, because he could shake thier hand and tell me stuff so that I knew how to give them love and compassion. But you didn't want this so that's why I think they took them back. He said oh they are most likely there, just asleep cuz I am not with you, things can change, they can come back.... I was weary and didn't want to hear it, all I knew is right now today I wish I had a man in my life who would drive me and my sons to Ohio and be there for me. I do not have that.... All of this feeling abandoned made me think of my birth father, so I called his office and left a message: This is Cassie, I just wanted to tell you my Mom died today.....and there he sits with all his money and his fancy life and my step father who loved and stayed by my mom all these years only has 2 thousand in life insurance to pay for a 6 thousand dollar bare bones funeral.... we will find the money somehow.. I woke up this morning and cried some more, and made some more arrangements and was very happy to see Into The Mystic was back with her astroligical forecasts: http://in2themystics.com/2011/02/02/new-moon-14-aquarius-22-2311-future-track-group-endeavors-and-relationships/  It was all about endings and beginings a time also  to look at our most personal relationships of mate’s and business partners to determine how they fit into our roles and if our, and their, paths are similar or at least somewhat compatible for our future roles. It's not looking to me like Randy is going to step into this role of parterning with me to help others, he's so broken from all the lack in his life that he's too selfish to put someone else before snowmobiling or whatever else he finds fun to give him that adrenaline rush. He can't see that he's lonely by his own making...his own choices, his own not showing up in time of need...that's what makes a family and nothing else. Yep its way past the time of me resucitating this dead relatioship, just like my Dad said my Mom had a Do Not Resucitate (but he still had them try) I been slapping the paddles and the high volts far too long on this. Today I want you to look at death, not as a bad thing but as a graduation. I know that my Mom was ready to go home, she's said so for a very long time and now she has gotten her reward. I am now ready myself to move on to my next stage, my new home, my new life. February is going to be a significant month of change for us all........but don't worry we will all come through this tunnel into the other side, don't worry and above all.........don't fear the reaper......because death always comes before re-birth.... With Love and In The Light, Cassie and just as I was finishing this up Randy called to check on me......*sigh* Blue Oyster Cult - Don't Fear The Reaper http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tpy_pYXSpPA