2-2-11 Death Came Tapping
It's odd how the last few weeks a bird flew into my house at least 5 or 6 times, and one day one was out pecking at the glass of Jeremy's empty bedroom window, he told me it crashed into the window a few times too. He had gotten annoyed about the bird as it was hard to get the stinker out again, and I told him to just shoo it out and quit complaining life was too short to be so cranky. I looked it up online as I recalled that it meant something when this happend, the articles all said it meant that someone was going to die...we both made comments on which one of us it would be if this were true... Turns out it wasn't either one of us.....
Monday night I was supposed to meet Mary for dinner but I hadn't heard from her and then Kim G, one of my meetup friends called and wanted to go eat so we went instead. She wanted me to meet her new dog, see her new place with furniture in it and then go for Tahi food (which I don't particularly like but did find something I kinda liked, next time 0 spice for me though) LOL Now she and I have been friends for a long time, and recently she moved just a mile from me, we had promised to spend more time together but other than her housewarming party 6 months ago we had not seen each other... We had a very nice time though telling each other about whats going on in our lives and giving each other advice and encouragement. She said to me, Cassie I know we don't talk often but I have always taken great comfort knowing that you are there...I knew what she meant by that as I am blessed to have many such friends.....
Tuesday I went to work and got a call from Jeremy who was all stressed out trying to deal with his fines and his warrants and such, I finally got upset saying i am working, i have NO money to help you and this is beyond my realm. I am your mom my expertise goes to many things but a lawyer I am not or a bank. He hung up and I calmed down and called back but he didn't answer for awhile as he was calling my parents in Ohio to get his big brothers number to ask to borrow money (Dustin recently changed his number and since he's mad at me for yelling at him for preaching to my gay facebook friends he didn't give me the number) Anyway I thought I should call home but then got busy with work........ Later in the afternoon however my computer froze so I used the re-boot time to call home, when Dad answered I said what I always say when I call: "so what's going on over there?" Your mother died was his statement, I got annoyed with him and told him that's nothing to joke about. I'm not joking he sobbed, she was standing behind me with her hand on my shoulder reading the e-mails and her hand slipped away, I heard a thud and she was dead on the spot. I called 911 but they couldn't bring her back.
My first thought was how the heck am I going to get to Ohio with all the bad weather coming, my second thought was how am I going to tell Dustin as I don't have his number, and my third was now I can't go to Vermont with Randy (and all my others thoughts were my Mommy is gone). I had looked up some things to do in VT for the weekend and was happy to see about a winter carnival and snowmobile drag race and sent that info to him earlier in the day. So it was about 2:30, I knew he'd be at Sears and not home so I texted him to tell him. I sent: I can't go to Vermont this weekend, my mom just died. No answer, the one person I love whom I want to be there to comfort me and nothing. He did finally text me at 5:30 once he got to his second job, and he did call at 9:30 and talked to me for an hour when he got off work. I half hoped he'd offer to drive me to Ohio but he didnt offer, and turns out that when he got my text instead of answering me or calling me he spent the rest of his day trying to find someone else to go with him instead. Yeah just like him, when I left him that's how he handled it, instead of trying to get me back he just replaced me with someone else off of craigslist.  I spent the evening talking to family and friends who called. I had to go and upgrade to unlimited minutes at Verizon, boy did I pick the wrong week to get rid of my land line right? I posted on facebook (against my friends advice) and I also sent out my half finished CC newsletter, I know to some it may be odd but I tell you that replies I got of comfort and support have really helped me to feel a bit better. In times of loss there's nothing that can help you other than LOVE, the power of it is immesurable. I talked to Dad again, and Jeremy called a few times and then Mary. She said he had called her and asked what should he do and she said just keep calling and checking on her and that's what he's done. Mary asked if I would ask Randy to drive me to Ohio and I said I can't what would he tell "the wife", in our texts earlier I said I am cursed for being with you... He did finally call though and we talked for an hour. I wished he'd offer to at least come see me as I knew he was off today but he didn't and when he whined about having to look for someone else to go to VT I said well you could drive me there you had fun that one time we went, plenty of snow and my Uncles fields....he said hummmmmm errrrrr welllllllllll uhhhh no no not a good idea I am just gonna go up alone and find someone up there to hang with. This is so Randy........ and then I was crying again and said I don't know why so much is going wrong in my life but I think it's this, this is the only bad thing I am doing, stealing you away from them. He went on about how they are just a family that's not his really, he found them on the internet, he said at least I have two boys and I got to have a family. He said you never know something could change......... It's sad to hear him go on how sad he is that he never had a family of his own but it's even sadder to see that he had no clue that its his own fault. He told me story after story of women in his life who left him , and each time the reason was because he went off to play instead of going home when he should. I wonder how many of those women really needed him at those moments too like I felt I needed him. I also recalled how twice I thought I was pregnant with his kid but he held back to see what happend and never stepped up.. no that man is alone with no family because he is selfish-- it really is true the amount of love you get is equal to the amount of love you GIVE. And love is showing up. calling, texing being there, showing up...
I also talked to him about maybe now Mary will be able to talk to my mom too like she does my grandma and I am looking forward to them meeting. Randy said I lost all my powers, I used to be able to see all these spirits and they follwed me all the time and they were always with me but when you left me and my new family moved in all that went away. I explained to him that I think he lost his powers because he chose a different path. I know that my job here on this planet is to heal people to help people to bring people together. I told him I was so very happy when he came into my life because I thought he was to be the partner I felt all along who was coming, because he could shake thier hand and tell me stuff so that I knew how to give them love and compassion. But you didn't want this so that's why I think they took them back. He said oh they are most likely there, just asleep cuz I am not with you, things can change, they can come back.... I was weary and didn't want to hear it, all I knew is right now today I wish I had a man in my life who would drive me and my sons to Ohio and be there for me. I do not have that.... All of this feeling abandoned made me think of my birth father, so I called his office and left a message: This is Cassie, I just wanted to tell you my Mom died today.....and there he sits with all his money and his fancy life and my step father who loved and stayed by my mom all these years only has 2 thousand in life insurance to pay for a 6 thousand dollar bare bones funeral.... we will find the money somehow..
I woke up this morning and cried some more, and made some more arrangements and was very happy to see Into The Mystic was back with her astroligical forecasts: http://in2themystics.com/2011/02/02/new-moon-14-aquarius-22-2311-future-track-group-endeavors-and-relationships/ It was all about endings and beginings a time also to look at our most personal relationships of mate’s and business partners to determine how they fit into our roles and if our, and their, paths are similar or at least somewhat compatible for our future roles. It's not looking to me like Randy is going to step into this role of parterning with me to help others, he's so broken from all the lack in his life that he's too selfish to put someone else before snowmobiling or whatever else he finds fun to give him that adrenaline rush. He can't see that he's lonely by his own making...his own choices, his own not showing up in time of need...that's what makes a family and nothing else. Yep its way past the time of me resucitating this dead relatioship, just like my Dad said my Mom had a Do Not Resucitate (but he still had them try) I been slapping the paddles and the high volts far too long on this.
Today I want you to look at death, not as a bad thing but as a graduation. I know that my Mom was ready to go home, she's said so for a very long time and now she has gotten her reward. I am now ready myself to move on to my next stage, my new home, my new life. February is going to be a significant month of change for us all........but don't worry we will all come through this tunnel into the other side, don't worry and above all.........don't fear the reaper......because death always comes before re-birth....
With Love and In The Light, Cassie
and just as I was finishing this up Randy called to check on me......*sigh*
Blue Oyster Cult - Don't Fear The Reaper
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