2-14-11 It's all About LOVE
Happy Valentine's Day everyone! I hope you are all out there soaking up and sending out the love in as many directions and to as many people as you can!
So Wednesday night after finishing writing I was tired and sick and heading to bed to watch movies when my phone rang at 9pm, it was Randy. He said did I get his text, I said no what did you say and he said he wanted to know if I wanted to ride up to Conneticut with him to get his snowmobile and trailer and sleep over and come home in the morning. Yes I am not kidding that's what he said and he was really dissapointed that I couldn't drop everything and go despite the fact that I had been out of work 5 days for the funeral. Men.....sheeeseeee. I talked to him a bit but I was tired and he sounded sad that he was alone, I felt like saying why didn't his "wife" go but I bit my tounge. I am too weary for this game with him anymore, just too weary....
Thursday night I had dinner with Mary and we were talking about various things on my mind about my life when she said hey I think your Mother is here! Oh yeah neat I said, I have gotten very used to this now and told her to ask her if she was with Grandma and she said yes. She then told Mary that she was happy that I got her book, Mary asked what book and I told her that I had bought from my Dad her Kindle book he had gotten for her for Christmas, he was going to try to re-sell it on e-bay but I knew he would never get his full cost back and I kinda sorta wanted one even though I feared spending the money on it, but I knew he needed the money desperatley. Then Mary said do I want to know even a "bad" thing and I said sure and she said that Mom said Dad was going to be joining her soon, possibly before next winter. I told her that I would be sad to have no parents left but I would worry about him less if he was with her than living there alone in Belmont, but oh Dustin was going to take it VERY hard. I asked her give me some warning so I can prepare him, and she said she knew a couple days before she died that she was going to go and she was ready. She also said that she has came and walked around my property and down by the river (I told Mary she had lived here for a short wile and loved my river) and that she saw me all alone and cold in this house and she was going to work with the "saints" up there and find me a very nice house in Keyport and get me moved very soon. She also said that she was going to go visit Randy in his dreams and get to work on his so that he would heal so we could be together. I really had mixed feelings on that one, again I am tired of working on him ...but she assured me that when it happens it will be with a deep intensity, that every thing is going to be different in that regard. I am wise enough to know that they can and do have some powers up there but nothing on heaven or earth is more poweful than a person's free will.....so we will see...we will see, for now I just want to get my new home and said work on that for me, I am too mad at him for giving his home and everything to "them" and leaving me alone, broke and cold. Just get me a home and Mary said she said they are working on it and Grandma said it's good for me to have my OWN home as it will be MY nest egg, my security and I saw the wisom in that. She also kept saying something about two moves, we have no idea what she meant by that.
Friday after work I picked up some tax paper work from my lawyer that I needed to fill out and got very alarmed and upset about the calculations of how much I was paying out and what I was going to get back after the sale. It greatly lowered my buying price and I wrote to Mike for us to find cheaper homes to look at on Sunday. We spent the day doing this saturday, and I didn't even go out. My son and his roomate also came over and helped me get his room cleaned out and we burned some gargbage. I gave him a heart shaped box of chocolates for V-day but I didn't send anything to Dustin as he says he thinks that holiday is stupid. I also put some things on craigslist to sell cheap and a few things for free. I then had a second thought and texted Randy to see if he wanted the zip together sleeping bags and he said OK. I had texted him before when I fount out I was going to be in the area sunday to see if he wanted to see me but he said he had to work till 8pm, I assumed he had to get home to "the wife" and he didn't correct me on that one.. Yep saturday was not such a good day, just work and letting go. I did go rent "The Time Traveler's Wife" from RedBox and enjoyed that movie for the second time.... ahhh to be loved like that....
Sunday I woke up and had an idea and I texted Randy to see if he wanted to meet at 2pm for lunch since I had to go down there for open houses and house hunting anyway. Maybe he said.......I knew it depended on his work schedule so I texted back that I would be at Wendys at 2 and eat and hang and if he didnt make it over then I would just put the sleeping bags in the bed of his truck and leave. I just had it in my mind that I wanted to see him for Valentine's day and I hoped he'd at least say Happy Valentine's day to me........he did not. Instead he rushed over for a bit, said he wasnt going to eat but we did talk a bit, he wanted to tell me all about all his snowmobiling escapades, I mentioned how it was too bad he invited work buddies for the coming weekend as I had off on monday, he looked sad but didn't say he'd change things for us. Then he jumped up and said he saw work buddies heading over for lunch and went outside, I dumped my tray and met him there and gave him the sleeping bags. We talked a bit but he wouldnt get anywhere near me (we had been holding hands inside before his buddies headed over). I told him I was starting to like living alone and he made a face, he also asked me if I was going to stay till 8pm and wait for him and I said no you have to get home to the wife you said, nooooo she don't get home till 11pm he said but I said no I didnt plan on it we can catch up another time. I told him of my house hunting woes and he then started to give me a lecture on money and I got mad and said listen you arent anything to me you can't tell me how to spend my money.......not anything to you he asked? Not really no, not my husband, not my boyfriend you have no say I said. That's when he decided he had to get back to work, so no hug, no Happy Valentines Day, nothing.....let down again.......sigh.
I then went off to go to some open houses while I waited for my realtor. I somehow though started to get chest pains and felt an anxiety attack, and when Mike came after only three really awful houses I called it a day, told him I guess we need to broaden the search area, and chose a town further south of Keyport, one with a bad reputation but also one that I have hopes for it to improve. He said its a high crime area and I told him I am not afraid of that as God will protect me, and I know if I live there the area will improve. I know that sounds egotiistical of me but I know that I can bring prayer and reiki and blessings to where ever I end up moving. I went home and did a hunt for some houses in that town and found a couple, and they were pink! Deborah told me I would get a pink house and one of the bedrooms would be small and I would make it an office.......now the two are vastly different, one is new and nice and more expensive the other is really cheap and low taxes but needs heating and cooling upgrades....going to have to pray on this. I also got a call from a gal pal whom I have hoped to spend more time with and we had a lovely time talking and are going to have a girls night real soon. I then texted Randy to apologize for getting angry with him trying to tell me how to handle my money and said I know you were just tring to help.....I got no reply.....
I woke up today feeling a bit sad that I don't have a Valentine, but the angel card was Romance, and that shows to me that the Angels are working on this for me. I now see my anxiety yesterday was my "gut" telling me to stay away from Randy, this is just too painful, he is just so broken that he won't give love to me no matter what I do for him. I know in my heart that he does love me on some level but he won't let go of the fear and the pain and he won't forgive me for leaving him before and give us a fighting chance. I saw this on FB today:
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