Be quiet and tear the thorn from your heart.
Uncover in silence your soul’s own rose garden.
Uncover in silence your soul’s own rose garden.
2-25-11 Pulling out the Thorns
So Tuesday was back to work day and I gotta say it's nice to go to work, trying to fill up my days and nights right now with no cable, little money to go out with and all is a real challenge. I like going to work it makes me feel good, a sense of accomplishment, a sense of being part of the work world and being needed. I can see why the un-employed get depressed. Speaking of depression though I was feeling some twinges of it and after work when Deb called me to tell me about a new group she talked someone into creating I got really sad. I had seen events being planned and I was so upset with myself for not calling places and setting things up so that I can make a little money. I have phone phobia, hate hate hate to make phone calls, it's something I have had my whole life. In college they tried to help me with that but it didn't last long. Anyway she called and I ended up in tears of frustration. She paitently talked me through it, helped me to re-write my meetup description and compose an e-mail to a venue she thinks I should work with. Sometimes the simplest of things can feel so daunting when you aren't in the right frame of mind, times like those say a prayer for a good friend to come along and lend a hand...
Wednesday was a little better, work is going smoothly, dull and routine but smoothly I can apreceite the respite of it all. I got an e-mail in the afternoon from Sonia, a co-worker from my last site and she was visiting there and said she heard about my Mom and wanted to treat me for coffee and talk. That was so nice to see her, we used to eat lunch together every day and since moving to my new location I have always ate at my desk due to my heavy workload. It was good to talk and I told her about the funeral and our money woes and my money woes but she said it will get better and I knew it would. I came home that night and got to thinking about how Randy has sneered at the are of the house I put a bid on, mentioning how it was a neighborhood of a few ethnic races so I shot out and e-mail to him saying he better not put me down as at least they weren't trashy falling down fences, garbage in the yard and falling apart cars everywhere like his house and the trash he lives with. Oh yes I did, it still stings that he choose that over me and I am human when I hurt, the thorn from him goes deep.....I need to feel this pain and work it out of myself I knew.... I have many friends from these ethnic categories he mentioned and they treat me with love and respect unlike the class of pepople he associates with, its not the color of your skin that matters its the color of your aura, the color of your soul.....that's what I look at. I was seeing more and more how muddy he's let his become...
Thursday another dull work day but Mary called and wanted to meet for dinner, we talked some more about Randy and his "wife" she said that woman doesn't care he sneaks to see me because if she did she would have come to find me by now since she knows who I am and my events are all over craigslist. She said again that woman is going to leave him but she said I suspect by the time he comes back to you , you wont want him anymore.....because no matter what he wants to stay 12 and not grow or heal or be the man you need him to be. He just isn't choosing it and he is going to end up alone the way I see things now. Yes I said I see it now, seeing HER really turned me off to him, made me look at him as not clean. She said he was bitter oh so bitter to me for leaving him, he called her many times crying over me, he really loved me but now he has let his bitterness harden his heart to you and he won't allow himself to open his heart and love you anymore. I gotta work this pain out of me I told her.....and then once I do I can let it go. I went home and checked my mail before bed, he logged onto his messenger service and I sent him a message, better go to be the wife is waiting for you and quickly logged off. Oh yes I am behaving badly I need to pull out this thorn and stop thrashing around in pain.
Today the card was Surrender and Release and I knew what I had to do.... I reached out to several of my spiritual friends for love and prayers and light and support and they all answered me. Beth reminded me that we are going through a major shift right now and many are also going through depression and sickeness and hard times. She told me of seeing her guy this past week and how he stung her through and through as well, its time to pull these thorns our of our sides. So I deleted him from everything my phone my address books my messengers..gone, done, pulled out. I don't care if he's my twin flame, and that Mary gets chills when I say that to her too, he wants to stay 12 yrs old (and I just needed him to be 22 sigh) he wants to ride that 1970s falling apart un-safe motorcylce at 95mph and bash me for not riding it with him, he wants to play and play and not clean or repair his home, and he let his cat die instead of taking it to the vet and getting it medication, he didn't come see me and give me a hug when my Mom died. Nope priorities are askew and he wants to stay that way, I left him because his immaturity stabbed me again and again and I hoped he would grow up a little but he chose not to. He's gotta go from my hear...I pulled out the thorn and while there is a big gaping wound here I know that it will heal........
Today I want you to pull out your own thorns, the people and things that hurt you, or even the memories of the people and the things that hurt you. Its time to heal, the planet is shifting, big changes are coming, we must be strong and ready to do the work that is coming. I must stand alone for now and perhaps someone will come later to be work with me as my partner but for now I must heal and grow strong and so must you........there is a rose garden for us all once we get past these thorns........
With Love and in the Light, Cassie
Lynn Anderson -- Rose Garden
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WO4wcNVbYOQPS:
Forgot to add that my Dad called me up this week and told me the funeral director stopped over to see him, remember we were 4k short on the bill and asked for donations in lieu of flowers to help pay for the funeral. Anyway he called to tell me that the bill was paid in full! He said that and anoymous donor had given the money to cover the costs! Praise the Lord was all we both could say and Dad said see I told you God would look out for this somehow. Now I don't know if my Uncle gave the money, or the funeral home waived the costs or even perhaps my birth father called and paid for it to make up for abandoning me and mom 50 years ago....I don't know who paid that bill but I do know that faith made it happen. I must keep this in my heart.........faith can make anything happen so I have to belive now that I will have enough money and I will have a good new home and someone will come along and love me back the and want to walk lifes path by my side.......have faith my friends for its all you need to have everything......
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