2-21-11 To FEEL Love

2-21-11  To FEEL Love

So Friday on the way home I decided to try and call Randy back, not to fix things but to communicate and to be a friend, he didn't answer......then I went to pick up Jeremy so he could take some more things home and borrow my vacum. My phone rang while we were driving home and he got it and turned it off, who was it I asked? Randy and I don't want you talking to him. But he called again while we were at the house and I snuck off to talk to him a bit... (story of my life sneaking around to talk to Randy). He was on his way to Vermont , all alone, he didn't bring up the e-mail or the text and after a 5 min I said I had to go Jeremy was there and he don't like me talking to him....oh really he said, yes really I said. Oh ok then talk to you later... I patted myself on the back for not running and hiding and giving him a chance (which he did not take) to talk. I then took Jeremy home with his stuff, the little bugger snuck a package of crackers and the second can of cheese in his laundry basket! It's ok though, it was worth it to see him for an hour...

Saturday morning I woke up and had been dreaming about Randy, in my dream he just kept saying he apreciated me and he was sorry for hurting me. In my dream I was crying and not listening to him. So I did some cleaning of my house, that always makes me feel so good to have a clean house and went to get my vacum back from Jeremy and then to the dollar store. I was dismayed to find I had very little money in my wallet, I think someone took several $20s but Jeremy swore he did not when I called him, I just said he would get really bad karma if he stole from his mom.... I went home and rested and got up and got ready for the singles dance. I did my best to look nice but I did gain back the weight I lost this time last year, and I don't like my hair I need to do something with it....but as I took one glance in the mirror I heard "you look pretty"... that was probably my mom or grandma.... The singles dance was a huge success but too hot and too crowded for my taste, wasn't even room to get on the dance floor, my people weren't that happy with it and I promised to research other things for the future.

Sunday I had the walking event scheduled for the mall, only one person signed up for it though but still I wanted to go. I also got a few nudges from my voice and decided to to to Mass first. Now mind you I had not been to this church since I had a falling out with a guy I knew but I figured enough time had passed and heck this had been my church too and I missed it so I went.....and oh it was so nice to be there! I had missed it, and Fr Doug and during the whole service my heart just warmed from the inside. I saw that my old friend noticed me in the comunion line and he looked  startled, I was going to nod a charitable hello as I passed but he turned away from me. Oh well I thought, I had not come here because of him or to spite him I had come regardless of him....and after mass I slipped out quickly. I had to get to the event I scheduled anyway, but no one showed up! :( It's so hard building these new groups..ugh. But I had a %20 off coupon for Macy's and decided to treat myself to a new blouse for going to singles events and I got a $60 one for only $9 and felt good. I then went home at 4 to take a short nap........and woke up at midnight! How did that happen? I ended up changing into my nightgown and going to sleep till 6am monday.....

Monday I woke up all distressed, I had a bad dream about Randy and his woman. How upsetting that I choose to go past him and move on and he haunts my dreams! But I must work through all of this or it will keep hurting me. In the dream he took me home to tell "her" that he and I were going to be together and she needed to move on, her reaction was to scream and yell and tell him off while he tried to apease her, she said "let her get her own man" and I went outside to wait for him, he never came and she said she was calling friends over to play cards and he sat down with her, didnt even get up to say good bye to me when I called that I was leaving.....thats what I woke up to! And I was depressed and crying most of the morning.........oy vey this won't do it just won't do. I put in an emergency call to Mary and she said well Cassie you have to expect him to stay with her, because she stays, with you it was always the threat that you'd leave him, and we talked on this and she made me remember that I never felt his love and I spent the whole relationship trying to get him to prove his love for me...but nothing ever did she said this is why he stays with someone who doesnt love him and when he loves you, for the stability. She said read back over my blogs and see how many times I have dumped him and gone back...I knew she was right. And I knew I had to work on this or I would repeat the same patterns with the next guy who came along..... So I set to work the only way I know how...

I spoke to Anthony and got up a singles improv event posted, one that will help with talking to the opposite sex and give confidence. He also coached me on some proper food shopping so I did buy some better things to eat when I did my grocery shopping. I also corresponded with Wendy and we got the Love Your Body healing meditation workshop up and advertised. I then rested this afternoon and visited with my son this evening. He came over and we had a chat about his wrong choices right now, I advised but I didn't get too involved. I feel better this evening and I know I need to take care of me, I need to love and nurture myself, I need to learn to feel good about myself and I need to work on FEELing love. I can feel so much love for others but I can't feel their love back for me. My prayer tonight when I go to bed and everynight untill I can get this is: Dear God please show me and help me to trust and belive in the love that others have for me Amen. I know that untill I get this right I don't care what man comes into my life it won't work unless I fix this, unless I can believe in and feel loved by another person. Loving I got that down pat........being LOVED, feeling LOVE... well that's what I need to work on.......

Today I want you to embrace those around you and really FEEL the heart connection there, and I want you to hug yourself and feel the love there.....thaw that heart.....open it up  and feel the love..........because no matter what or who you have in your life, no matter how much love........if you don't trust yourself enough to feel it you will always feel empty and alone....

With Love and in the Light, Cassie

ADELE - MAKE YOU FEEL MY LOVE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fnn9JlqqTE4