Monday, February 14, 2011
2-14-11 It's all About LOVE
2-14-11 It's all About LOVE
Happy Valentine's Day everyone! I hope you are all out there soaking up and sending out the love in as many directions and to as many people as you can!
So Wednesday night after finishing writing I was tired and sick and heading to bed to watch movies when my phone rang at 9pm, it was Randy. He said did I get his text, I said no what did you say and he said he wanted to know if I wanted to ride up to Conneticut with him to get his snowmobile and trailer and sleep over and come home in the morning. Yes I am not kidding that's what he said and he was really dissapointed that I couldn't drop everything and go despite the fact that I had been out of work 5 days for the funeral. Men.....sheeeseeee. I talked to him a bit but I was tired and he sounded sad that he was alone, I felt like saying why didn't his "wife" go but I bit my tounge. I am too weary for this game with him anymore, just too weary....
Thursday night I had dinner with Mary and we were talking about various things on my mind about my life when she said hey I think your Mother is here! Oh yeah neat I said, I have gotten very used to this now and told her to ask her if she was with Grandma and she said yes. She then told Mary that she was happy that I got her book, Mary asked what book and I told her that I had bought from my Dad her Kindle book he had gotten for her for Christmas, he was going to try to re-sell it on e-bay but I knew he would never get his full cost back and I kinda sorta wanted one even though I feared spending the money on it, but I knew he needed the money desperatley. Then Mary said do I want to know even a "bad" thing and I said sure and she said that Mom said Dad was going to be joining her soon, possibly before next winter. I told her that I would be sad to have no parents left but I would worry about him less if he was with her than living there alone in Belmont, but oh Dustin was going to take it VERY hard. I asked her give me some warning so I can prepare him, and she said she knew a couple days before she died that she was going to go and she was ready. She also said that she has came and walked around my property and down by the river (I told Mary she had lived here for a short wile and loved my river) and that she saw me all alone and cold in this house and she was going to work with the "saints" up there and find me a very nice house in Keyport and get me moved very soon. She also said that she was going to go visit Randy in his dreams and get to work on his so that he would heal so we could be together. I really had mixed feelings on that one, again I am tired of working on him ...but she assured me that when it happens it will be with a deep intensity, that every thing is going to be different in that regard. I am wise enough to know that they can and do have some powers up there but nothing on heaven or earth is more poweful than a person's free will.....so we will see...we will see, for now I just want to get my new home and said work on that for me, I am too mad at him for giving his home and everything to "them" and leaving me alone, broke and cold. Just get me a home and Mary said she said they are working on it and Grandma said it's good for me to have my OWN home as it will be MY nest egg, my security and I saw the wisom in that. She also kept saying something about two moves, we have no idea what she meant by that.
Friday after work I picked up some tax paper work from my lawyer that I needed to fill out and got very alarmed and upset about the calculations of how much I was paying out and what I was going to get back after the sale. It greatly lowered my buying price and I wrote to Mike for us to find cheaper homes to look at on Sunday. We spent the day doing this saturday, and I didn't even go out. My son and his roomate also came over and helped me get his room cleaned out and we burned some gargbage. I gave him a heart shaped box of chocolates for V-day but I didn't send anything to Dustin as he says he thinks that holiday is stupid. I also put some things on craigslist to sell cheap and a few things for free. I then had a second thought and texted Randy to see if he wanted the zip together sleeping bags and he said OK. I had texted him before when I fount out I was going to be in the area sunday to see if he wanted to see me but he said he had to work till 8pm, I assumed he had to get home to "the wife" and he didn't correct me on that one.. Yep saturday was not such a good day, just work and letting go. I did go rent "The Time Traveler's Wife" from RedBox and enjoyed that movie for the second time.... ahhh to be loved like that....
Sunday I woke up and had an idea and I texted Randy to see if he wanted to meet at 2pm for lunch since I had to go down there for open houses and house hunting anyway. Maybe he said.......I knew it depended on his work schedule so I texted back that I would be at Wendys at 2 and eat and hang and if he didnt make it over then I would just put the sleeping bags in the bed of his truck and leave. I just had it in my mind that I wanted to see him for Valentine's day and I hoped he'd at least say Happy Valentine's day to me........he did not. Instead he rushed over for a bit, said he wasnt going to eat but we did talk a bit, he wanted to tell me all about all his snowmobiling escapades, I mentioned how it was too bad he invited work buddies for the coming weekend as I had off on monday, he looked sad but didn't say he'd change things for us. Then he jumped up and said he saw work buddies heading over for lunch and went outside, I dumped my tray and met him there and gave him the sleeping bags. We talked a bit but he wouldnt get anywhere near me (we had been holding hands inside before his buddies headed over). I told him I was starting to like living alone and he made a face, he also asked me if I was going to stay till 8pm and wait for him and I said no you have to get home to the wife you said, nooooo she don't get home till 11pm he said but I said no I didnt plan on it we can catch up another time. I told him of my house hunting woes and he then started to give me a lecture on money and I got mad and said listen you arent anything to me you can't tell me how to spend my money.......not anything to you he asked? Not really no, not my husband, not my boyfriend you have no say I said. That's when he decided he had to get back to work, so no hug, no Happy Valentines Day, nothing.....let down again.......sigh.
I then went off to go to some open houses while I waited for my realtor. I somehow though started to get chest pains and felt an anxiety attack, and when Mike came after only three really awful houses I called it a day, told him I guess we need to broaden the search area, and chose a town further south of Keyport, one with a bad reputation but also one that I have hopes for it to improve. He said its a high crime area and I told him I am not afraid of that as God will protect me, and I know if I live there the area will improve. I know that sounds egotiistical of me but I know that I can bring prayer and reiki and blessings to where ever I end up moving. I went home and did a hunt for some houses in that town and found a couple, and they were pink! Deborah told me I would get a pink house and one of the bedrooms would be small and I would make it an office.......now the two are vastly different, one is new and nice and more expensive the other is really cheap and low taxes but needs heating and cooling upgrades....going to have to pray on this. I also got a call from a gal pal whom I have hoped to spend more time with and we had a lovely time talking and are going to have a girls night real soon. I then texted Randy to apologize for getting angry with him trying to tell me how to handle my money and said I know you were just tring to help.....I got no reply.....
I woke up today feeling a bit sad that I don't have a Valentine, but the angel card was Romance, and that shows to me that the Angels are working on this for me. I now see my anxiety yesterday was my "gut" telling me to stay away from Randy, this is just too painful, he is just so broken that he won't give love to me no matter what I do for him. I know in my heart that he does love me on some level but he won't let go of the fear and the pain and he won't forgive me for leaving him before and give us a fighting chance. I saw this on FB today:
Heart - What About Love?
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
2-9-11 The Ties That Bind
2-9-11 The Ties That Bind
When I left off last wednesday night Randy called, he said he was at work and for a change had a quiet truck and could talk. I asked him how his day went and he said he spent it working on his snowmobile. Yep so that's the reason why he didn't offer to come up and see me the night before to comfort me, I knew he was off on Wed but as always his snowmobile came first. Jeremy came down and was motioning me to hang up, he had told me earlier that he didn't like Randy for me that I needed to find a man who'd take care of me when I needed him so I didn't stay on the phone long, torn between my love for him and the lack that I see in his actively loving me.
So I wake up thursday morning ready to head to Ohio, the first thing I see is a note from my oldest boy Dustin that he is de-friending me again on facebook, as you may recall we had a falling out before and weren't talking. The problem with him is he has very rigid religious beliefs like my father does and they are so very judgemental of every thing else that is not thier belief. I realize they are taught that they must save the rest of us by showing us the light but Ugh. I wrote back though and told him that if he really couldn't not comment on what my friends say then yes its probably for the best. He doesn't know how much my freinds and family facebook connections mean to me, reading about thier day to day lives, seeing thier photos, trading a message or comment here and there, I was really going to miss the connection with him.... But anyway I had a long drive ahead of me and no time to waste, I had to drive across PA with Jeremy the unruly one, to Pittsburgh to get Dustin the judgemental one, and then to Belmont to my Dad's, the cranky one...boy did I wish I had something to get me through this ordeal to come, but I realized I do I have my inner peace and I can go to that anytime I need it...so off I went to bury my mommy.....
The drive to Ohio actually wasn't so bad, Jeremy and I it turns out had plenty to talk about and I was pleased to listen and talk to him more as a friend than as a parent and learn he also has a strong desire to help others. I listened to his tales and gave him some words of wisdom based on my own experiences of helping others. We got to the airport in record time and Dustin looked glad to see me, guess he did miss his mommy some too....and when we got to Dad's house he was glad to see us all and I must say we all managed to get along quite well the whole time, that's the thing about families we may fight and bicker in our day to day but when tragedy strikes we all pull together and stand side by side and thats because of the good glue we have called LOVE, it may stretch till it's paper thin but when the going gets tough it snaps right back and holds you together. Don't ever, no matter how hard you fight, underestimate the power of family love, and family doesn't neccesarily mean blood bond either....
The next day we all went to breakfast together and then to the funeral home for the service, I took a picture of the no gun sign in the window and sent it to Randy. The funeral was sad and I cried but not too too much, from where I sat I could see the spirtitstone in her hand, and that reminded me of the vision of the night before and gave me comfort, yes I was handling this pretty darn well I told myself, at least till they got to the end and I realized they were going to close the casket and take my mommy away! Oh how I started sobbing then, but thankfully there were plenty of friends and family to come over and give me a hug as they passed by the casket to say thier last goodbyes. The next thing was the ride over to the funeral, me, my sons, my Dad and my cousin's son were in the car from the funeral home as we rode to the cemetary. Talk about dead silence, it was defaning, then I recalled a funny story my friend Larry told me. He's a mortician and when he was new on the job he was driving the herase with the whole funeral proccesion behind him and somehow took a wrong turn and got stuck driving through the african safari section at Great Adventure! I kid you not, he said lions were charging them, baboons were jumping on the roof and monkeys were pulling on wiper blades, he thought for certain he was going to get fired! As it turns out the family was quite touched by it stating that thier desceased loved one simply adored african animals and they were so moved that his last ride went through there! We all had a chuckle and went on to the business of getting my mom to the cemetary....
Sunday the boys and I went to church with my Dad as I knew how happy that would make him. I even asked for prayer and let them anoint me with oil and lay hands on me, they did Jeremy at the same time and I did feel better. It was hard though to sit there during the singing because they sang all of my Mom's favorite songs and I just kept crying but crying's good for the soul and it's good to get it out. The trip back home on Monday was pretty much un-eventful. I did text Randy to check on him and he called, he had called me every day since my Mom died except for sunday night and I sensed something wasn't quite right with him and I was correct....he called and told me a tale of a guy he met, a possible riding buddy who kinda blew him off and he was hurt, kept asking me if there was something wrong with him. Jeremy grabbed the phone and asked him if he'd take him snowmobiling if he could raise the money to pay for the gas and he said sure sure I'll take you. I wish Randy could see how desperately Jeremy wants his attention and companionship....if we had lived closer I am sure that would have grown more as they have so very much in common.....sigh..... But yeah there's a bond of Love there with Randy that no matter how much he ticks me off it will last, it's stood the test of time. Jeremy commented angrily in the car why don't you just tell him to make them move out so you can move in with him and I said no I can't force it, I must leave it in God's hands.....
Today I want you to take a look at the ties that bind your life, the connections, the family, the close friends, even the not so close friends yet the people who no matter what comes, no matter the distance or the obstacles between you, you know that you are always going to have a connection to them and them to you. We have ties that can bind us to one another, common faiths, experineces, likes search for those to love about one another and forget about the areas when you don't agree. Connect, connect, connect and love love love! I can't emphasise this enough! And I leave you with this quote:
“Strange is our situation here upon this earth. Each of us comes for a short visit, not knowing why, yet sometimes seeming to a divine purpose. One thing we do know is that we are here for the sake of others..for the countless unknown souls with whose fate we are connected. Many times a day I realize how much my outer and inner life is built upon the labors of peoople, both living and dead, and how earnestly I must exert myself in order to give in return as much as I have received" ~Albert Einstein
With Love and in the Light, Cassie
The Ties That Bind - Bruce Springsteen
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q83NktVFUD0
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Outlaw poet.....waiting just like me
Timothy Johnson
Timothy Johnson
oh i could use a time without sorrow, i am burying my mommy tomorrow..........
Timothy Johnson
Timothy Johnson
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
2-2-11 Death Came Tapping
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