11-11-10 Well today was a very special energy day to create good new things in your life, let go of past and its also a high vibration day for soul mates. I took a very very big step to find mine. I really let go in a big way with not just words but a big action.....
As you recall I deleted Randy from all my contacts on Friday...what I didn't tell you is that he called me from work on Friday night, and Tuesday night too.....reason for Friday was I had sent him an e-mail telling him to stay out of my world, but when he called I was napping and didn't have my reading glasses handy and I picked up. The heart strings were tugging big time.....then Monday when my son got picked up for the warrant that was out on him for not showing up to court I was frantic and all I wanted was a strong man to hold me and comfort me in this difficult time. So I texted him and asked him to come up (not telling him why)...he said sure, I said when and he said Tuesday.........but Tuesday he texted cant make it, when I asked why not and said I needed him, that Jeremy was in jail he called........said he was out with the guys Monday night drinking till 1am, then tonight the kids want to work on the snowmobiles....he promised to come over often once I moved down there and help me get moved in and fix stuff etc.....
I didn't get too upset though, he was surprised at that too, the other thing I didn't tell you was when I was down there last Saturday looking for a rental I drove past his house to toss out an Inspiristone for his healing. I saw a house with garbage spilled out of a forgotten trash bag (he's too cheap to spring for garbage pick up), a fence falling down, a gutter falling off, that junker truck still there and in the yard a big fancy expensive snowmobile all ready for winter. Nope that man still at the age of 43 does not have his priorities straight, this is yet another reason why I left him 3 yrs ago and this is why he's not ready for me now.......and I am tired of wasting my life waiting. I had my mind all made up, but as I said Monday I was stressed Monday I needed someone, Monday I reached out to the only man I have let in since my ex-husband......and by the grace of God Randy didn't show up........
Wednesday morning rolls around and I am driving to work and thinking about the yellow house, and trying to set my heart on it. I prayed to God and gave him thanks that even though its not the one on Sunrise that made my heart sing, it was still a very nice home and I was very grateful for it. Thank you God for helping me, I am sorry if I don't show my gratitude well enough and please direct my steps in the best possible way for me to go I said. I got to work and was working with my Realtor to set things up with the house when he called back to let me know it feel through, the owner decided he did not want to rent to me unless I had a solid offer on the table from the township. I had just gotten off the phone with the township and she said they still want it, they are still working on it but they aren't ready yet, now they have the two appraisals they want to get a survey done (despite the fact that one is on file already) Ugh!
It was just after that Randy texted me to check in on me, the Jeremy situation and the house situation. I explained that Jeremy had not called me so I was not able to assist in getting his check and bailing him out, and I lost the house......he offered sympathy on both points and said I would find something soon.....no I think I am not meant to come down there I texted........sure you are sure you are don't give up he texted........no and that's when I told him I saw his place and I realize he is not the man I feel in love with 3 yrs ago I was trying to look at the past and the signs I think were wrong, I don't belong with you.....I let out quite a bit for a text message........I went to lunch with Sonya, a good friend from the last location I worked and when we caught up her reply was: He doesn't have his priorities straight forget him you deserve better. When I got back to my desk and saw he had not replied it didn't hurt that much.
That evening after work I went to see Melissa, this amazingly great new Reiki master that I met and did one heal your heart workshop with. Beth has been ill and I wanted to branch out and God sent me Melissa..........Well the session was amazing, painful, gut wrenching but cleansing.......not for the weak of heart let me tell you! Healing Hands Glowing Hearts is the name of her practice if you are in NJ you really should give her a try: Healing-Hands-Glowing-Hearts Anway, we started off the session by just sitting and talking and that's when my guides started coming through to her. So much information! I am sure I won't get it all in but in essence they said they are the ones who keep blocking these house because they don't want me by Randy who keeps sticking pins in my heart! They confirmed that he is my soul mate and we belong together I am the one who makes his hear sing BUT he only has one foot in and one foot out, he is this good loving wonderful man that I know but he also has a dark side on this other half (I recalled his jester costume for Halloween) She said he needs to heal the darkness in him but he is not asking them for help, he is not choosing to heal now so he is staying the way he is. They said if I let him go and I let myself heal that I will have my pick of several very good men, that I deserve so much more.. They also said that he is not being totally honest with me about the woman he lives with, she doesnt love him he doesnt love her but they have a commitement, she likes being able to tell the people at work she has someone even if at home she doesnt want to be around him. But they said he likes it this way, unlike me who loved him and wanted him to be with me she never cares if he comes home. They said I am meant to live in Keyport and heal the waters like I said but first I must heal myself and I must get an apartment temporarily. They said my house wont sell till I get out of it either because Gus is holding onto me.
Speaking of Gus that is when he came around and said he was watching over Jeremy and he was his problem to work on now not mine. I was a good mother I had done all I can but I was right to not bail him out and let him wait till his paycheck came on wed. His friends did get him out and he is staying there, he came home while I was at work to eat and get clothes but he's not answering his phone for me. Gus and my guides said I am not to take him with me, he is 20 he can survive that I did my job and I need to heal myself now. I can't begin to tell you the pain of having to walk away from a son, your youngest your joy....your only family really that you are close to. But they said he does not belong in my basket now, that he would find me later on when he is whole.
Next they went on about what a great loving light I am but I don't care for myself enough. I need to love myself and think I am beautiful. Thats when I started wailing about being fat, that I try so hard to eat right but then I get stressed and sad and I crave cookies. They said 2 cookies 20 cookies so what I should eat them, they said heck we will bake some for you! When you get through this time you will go back to making healthier food choices. Its true too..... Then I went back to wailing about Keyport, I said please let me go there I SWEAR I wont speak to Randy but they we firm and said I need to go to a temporary place to heal and once I am over him then I can move there. I am stubborn and I argued some back and forth but by golly spirit guides are way more stubborn let me tell you! Poor Melissa, all this channeling and she was stuck in the middle of it! I told her that I think he was meant to move in that house with me on Sunrise but the next day he was meant to tell the kids about me when he was trying on the wet suit I gave him and he decided not to---at that moment I lost that house, and the gut wrenching sobs came from me as the guided confirmed to her that I was right. I cried so hard and told her I got invited down I followed the signs that were put there for me and when I arrived I got the door slammed in my face. And worst of all Randy doesn't even understand my pain! I sobbed till my sides ached and she comforted me and Finally she gave me my treatment, and she promised to send me distance Reiki every day and have me back soon...
So....I went home and to bed exhausted and woke up with a strong mix of feelings. I showered and I got and idea......I went to Randys YouTube and sent a message to the kid (he had one of his videos favorited) and sent my blog link and said tell your mother to read this and to keep a tighter reign or she's going to loose her home. My intention there was two fold, one I knew that woman would rip him a new one so bad he would never ever ever contact me again, and two I felt she had a right to know about all his sneaking around. I know when he was with me and kept talking to his ex-gf behind my back I knew but I never knew all the truth. Yep I did a good thing I thought to myself.......until I told my gal pals about it and they pointed out to me how much pain that could cause, and I really hadn't meant to hurt anyone , not even Randy I was only trying to protect myself. In the end I decided to change my blog links, delete all my blogs off my business website and hide everything. So she will get a message but she wont see anything and I am sure he can convince her it was nothing...we women have a tendency to be convinced into believing lies when the truth is too hard to face....
All in all though I realize that I settled for all this because I STILL don't love myself enough. I still look at myself and I just see a fat woman, who is beautiful on the inside but I know that most men will never look past my outside... Its so sad really, tonight is the wake and tomorrow is the funeral of a woman I me when I first started doing social events 10 yrs ago, she is just a year older than I and had weight problems that got so bad she ended up getting that gastric bypass surgery. I could be wrong but I feel that contributed to her early death at the age of only 51. Its so sad, we eat and put on weight because we want love and then the fat keeps people away from us....then we do all kinds of things to try and loose it. I loved Randy because he was one of few men who looked at me and thought I was beautiful, but in the end he thought I was beautiful because he didn't have much self esteem for himself to try for someone more athletic.
Beth and I decided to post pone the Attract Your Soulmate workshop...I did finish my vision board, or well I may add a few tiny things but its pretty much done. It will bring me someone again but first I must do one of the biggest steps, I keep saying it, I keep thinking I have it, but in the end I keep seeing that I don't......I don't love the me that I see when I see myself. If I am going to teach this I am going to have to do this! Oh what a painful painful difficult time this has been for me, so much suffering, sometimes I burst into sobs so hard I can't breathe! I commented today to Beth that I feel like I am in labor and I am trying so hard to give birth to to a new life but despite the length and the pain of my labor it's not here yet. She said this is how it is for many of us right now, to just relax and breath and let it come forth...... Ya easy for her to say, she doesn't know me, BOTH my boys I went through full labor and in the end went into distress and had to have emergency C-sections! Yep letting go of what's hurting me has always been hard for me........but I swear someway somehow I am going to let go now....this is my last holding on to you song I am going to sing...(and as I listen to it even now it seems so silly all this crying all this pain)....I am birthing a new life tomorrow....
Today take a look at what hurts you that you are still hanging onto......its time to end this labor and push out that new life you've been growing for yourself.....just sit back, relax....take deep breaths and let go.....(don't fight it and wind up getting a c-section!) lol.......let go and let God bring you your miraculous new life......
With Love and In The Light, Cassie
Broken-Lifehouse | 
No comments:
Post a Comment