11-16-10 Final Packing

c     11-16-10   I woke up Monday morning all happy and content with the possibility of getting the little gray house in Keyport. I still was going to move forward with preparing the application for the small apartment near work but my heart, yes my heart is in Keyport and I could be very happy in that place I found... So the first thing I did was do a search for local Catholic churches because much as I love St Matthias that Victor took me to, I want to be local and establish local friends and connections. There were about 6 in the area but I selected St Josephs because well there was a man who took in and married a single mom, raised a son he hadn't fathered and worked and cared for them with utmost humility and respect, that was the epitome of the perfect example of the kind of man I want to find for myself. So I clicked on the link so as to add it to my favorites, and it looked familiar.....oooh and they have Bingo! I love bingo! ....and humm this place looks familiar.........   Then it dawned on me! This is one of the churches that Randy took me to, it was palm Sunday as I recall......the entire time we dated I was not employed, I had gotten laid off in September, and we started dating in October. I wasn't concerned till the new year but as spring started to come and benefits were running out I was panicky. My family of course said this was all because I had turned my back on going to church, and I had, something really bad happened when my husband first went to jail to turn me off and I never went back. I had no use for priests that could be paid off my rich families and knew in my heart that my God was with me, not in some institution, also sitting in church alone with my two small boys and all the loving happy families with husbands and kids just made me too sad.....but I digress. I was so upset about this that Randy said how about I take you to church? I will hold your hand when we go in and sit with you the whole time..  we will go to all of them till we find one we like and go regularly. I can't tell you how much this meant to me and he went even though at this time frame his back was out and he couldn’t sit for very long. I recall the day we visited this church, we arrived late, slipped in the back and of course 12 yr old Randy appeared and was figidy....but I sat there and tried to listen till finally he leaned over and whispered in my ear he thought he was going to fart.........yes really you read that correctly! LOL Well the giggles were welling up inside me so hard I had no choice but to grab his hand and get us out of there as quickly and as quietly as possible.......once in the parking lot we both belly laughed so loud and so long its possible they heard us inside! Needless to say we didn’t try that place again! But as I recall I liked it there.........yep if the powers that be get me this house that is the church I am going to join!   So Mike calls and says the man who owns the grey house will let me rent it for a not too bad a price if I agree to pay his full price. I say done, work out the lease and let me know I can come down with one month’s rent and one month for security. But then he called me back a bit later and said the owner wanted to talk to my attorney since he also is one. I said he can but since I have no contract from the township yet he won't have anything to share, so he wanted to know if the owner can talk to the township, sure I said and gave him the number but they won't say for sure they are buying....so Mike says I think I need to speak to my mortgage guys, get them to approve you for the extra money and just buy now.........I thought about this all day, and the fact that I would have to look into taking from my very small 401K and well after much agonizing and worrying about it I decided no. I sent Mike an e-mail and said tell the guy I will rent for a few months this is predicted to close in late JAN early Feb., if he says no then I will get the apartment up here....   Also yesterday I got into an altercation with my father who is guilting me to death saying that I should let Jeremy move with me, that i should not expect him to pay rent that he was not born to support me. (He forgets how he made me pay rent when I was single, pregnant and too sick to hold down a job and had to get welfare to pay him). He said if I can’t afford the house without a paying roommate I needed to get a smaller house, I wrote him back and said he spends 50% of his money on tickets fines and court dates and 50% on booze and drugs but I will buy him a bus ticket to Ohio so he can bless you with is presence! It never ceases to hurt me that I have ZERO family support and encouragement. I have been put down, told I was going to hell, criticized and abandoned most of my life....no one believes me because they are such awesome church going people who help many others........charity begins at home I always heard.... But anyway....to further underline to me that I am making the right choice to NOT bring Jeremy with me now he came home drunk off his ass at midnight and woke me up, knocking stuff over, making a mess of my kitchen and being verbally abusive to me. It was like staring at my ex-husband 15 years ago and of course in my distress I made the huge mistake of getting upset with him and crying and saying he was turning out like Gus.......that’s not going to help sheeeseee No he needs help that I am not able to give to him and he won’t go get it till he hits his rock bottom-------its going to torture me to leave him behind but I must!   This morning I woke up to a message on My Space from Randy's "kid" the 18 yr old one I had sent the message to. He asked who I was and I replied sorry I made a mistake I got the wrong person, and since I had changed my blog link I knew he could get no information on me. I drove to work and recalled that I had an Inspiristone and Cassiescalendar link on my Myspace I had used to contact him so I tried to log in and delete the whole profile. No such luck with my antiquated work web browsers! I then wrote to Chris and begged her to do it for me, at first she was not able to and just when I was starting to think maybe it's meant to be she find out, have a fit and finally free Randy it worked and my profile was deleted and all the messages I sent. Wheewww close call. Nope if that woman is going to leave him, if his life is going to change its NOT going to be at my hands. Randy and all things related are also not getting packed in my basket....to confirm this to me The Outlaw Poet disappeared entirely from FB yesterday as well.....no more poetry from him to guide my Randy path.....then again the last entry was something about my tomorrow coming without him and he was out riding free........and I am sure he is, as always riding free, fast and alone........ *sigh*   So change is in the air........again I still don't know where I am going but I am determined to not take any old, worn out, unnecessary baggage with me on my journey to my new life. I need to be light and free and un-attached. I need to be un-encumbered so that I can be available to help others.....I need peace and light and love and warmth not stress and issues and I swear by my maker I will never ever live with an actively drinking alcoholic again! I don't drink and I don't want to suffer from its effects any longer.... I was reminded to not be alone this holiday season, to stay close to my friends and not isolate, this is going to be a lonely holiday for me, no family left for me at all. But that's ok, my earthly family may not be so kind to me but my heavenly family is and I have a family of loving friends, I have an invite for Thanksgiving dinner, my cousin and his boyfriend are taking me to see the Nutcracker in NYC on Christmas eve....and soon as I get in my new home I am going to decorate it for Christmas!   Today as you prepare for the up-coming holiday season go through your home and your heart and see what needs to be cleaned out from it and gotten rid of. We are coming to a time of light and love and family and we need to make room for the love that will soon be filling our hearts and our homes. We can't do that if we hoard what is no longer part of our truth of who we are now. We need to not let the past cloud the future, be loving and kind to everyone, but above all self nurture! Clean out the crap!   With Love and in the Light, Cassie Billy Joel - Movin' Out (Anthony's Song) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-UBpt1dya60