2-18-11 Broken Hearts

2-18-11  Broken Hearts

Today I am going to talk about a BIG topic, a topic that touches each and every one of us in a small or a grand scale---broken hearts.

Monday night my good friend Deb and I went out and celebrated Valentine's Day it helped me to get past the hurt that Randy never called me and I was single another year.  I know that he cares for me but I also know that he is wounded and is afraid to behave in loving ways. It's really sad how our hearts get broken, and then we are left with shards that just jab and stab the ones who come after and try to pick up the broken pieces and hold them. But that's because you can't heal anyone else for them they have to heal themselves.......and I speak of myself when I say this too, my still sharp edges have hurt those who have come to love me too, but as I heal and continue to heal there are less and less of those broken edges...I've come a long way because I keep my heart soft and not hard as that's the only way it can heal.

Tuesday night I got an IM from the wife of a guy I had dated a long time ago, I had loved him but he didn't love me so much, as a friend yes but romantically no, I suspect the main reason was because I loved him so much and I was kind to him and the women he was attracted to were the mean and bossy ones, this comes from his own brokeness and life's hurts. If you are raised with mis-treatment you recognize and are drawn to it, until you do the hard work of healing... Anyway he had long told me that they had an open marriage and I know that it bothered him, he'd IM or call me often worrying about where she was or who she was with......till finally he found a "toy" of his own and it's been a year or more since I heard from him. But on this night she IMed me, saying how she didn't like the arrangement any more she wanted her husband to herself. I told her to TALK to him that I knew how much he loves her and I bet they could work this out...oh if only people could communicate and talk to each other about how they really feel....I think it was HER idea the open marriage and I think because she thought he could never be happy with only her....but really the reason a man strays is almost always ego issues...I told her to build up his ego by saying good things to him and let me know how it works out in a few weeks.

Wednesday night I had dinner with a gal pal who told me some of her woes with her current boyfriend. They very much parallel the ones I had when I was Randy's girlfriend and that was he didn't spend much time with her. I told her I bet its because he was used to being alone for so long and doing his own thing and not having someone to be intimate with and her eyes got all big and she said yes that's what he said! She told me how he had scheduled dental work on Valentines day and didn't understand why she got so upset, he said we can celebrate any day but she was hurt. In the end he changed his appointment and took her out but she was hurt that she had to ask, I told her don't be they aren't all trained. It occurs to me that we women put such a big deal on Valentines day as it is the day set aside (albeit commercially) to prove your love with flowers, candy, romantic (over priced) dinner and plush pets with red "fur". Trust me, if your partner is loving the rest of the time Valentines gestures don't mean a thing, and if they are not the rest of the time it truly won't matter how much they spend on that day.

Now on the topic of money for a moment, as you recall I was working on an event to make a little money on for super bowl and I had a falling out with the gals. It really is sad how so many let panic over money turn them into not so nice people. But anyway they had decided to split the money 3 ways and sent me a check for my share. It was a nice gesture and meant a lot to me, I had worked hard to help them over the years and never profited myself. But when the check came my little voice said "you don't have to cash that you know"..but I really need this money I thought......so I left it and didn't take it to the bank and gave it some more thought. My guy friend and I were talking about it, and he's a very successful business man whom I respect and he told me to rip the check up, he said you can always make more...so that's what I did and I wrote  and told her. She was very grateful, asked me was I sure and then said she should give some of it back to the other gal, I told her that was her call as I had helped to build another event for the Friday and she has gotten all the money for that.... But I know in my heart I did the right thing, sure I need money, but I know that in order to get I fist must GIVE, without strings, without wanting back to just give.......the same way it is for love..... but so sad how we let so much fear of lack weather it be for money or love or anything that we don't give...

Thursday I was off work and headed down to Keyport to do some more house hunting, this is so not fun anymore but I am hanging on........we looked at a few in the other town and they were awful, we looked at a short sale (the one I ended up putting a bid on) and we looked near Randy's house also. During this looking I had to go past his house so I was going to sneak by as quickly as I could.......as I turned the corner i saw HER....It was shocking to see her, my god! I am not one to judge or criticize a person but not only was this woman horribly ugly she was the kind of ugly that you can tell came from inside her soul and rotten heart. I could tell in an instant from the aura I saw around her that every thing he had told me about how awful she treated him and the kids was true! She was so ugly that I knew there was no way I could ever let him touch me again knowing he was with her and then came to me. I know I am sounding shallow and cruel here but I tell you this woman was ugly because of her choices. Each one of us is born into this life with a beautiful body and a beautiful soul, and life does take its toll on all of us......but how many crippled have you seen who just radiate a warm loving aura and how many possibly rich and spoiled ones radiate an ugly negative aura? People don't become ugly from the outside in they become ugly from the inside out. That is what this woman was and I felt sorry for her, and angry at him for choosing this over me. All for the sake of his riding!

I went to town and signed the papers to make the bid and then texted him to see if he could come see me, it was 2:30 and I knew he didn't work till 5.......I can't was his reply....that stung too so I texted I saw her, she looks ugly and as mean as you described, good luck with that......no reply........I then headed towards where I was meeting Wendy for the first of the healing work we were going to do. I was early so I stopped for dinner and couldn't help but think about all this so I texted again......I said I just want to know why, instead of getting me back you choose that? please tell me so I can understand.......his reply: because she rode the motorcycle, just like you suggested. My reply.. Then u never loved me, you only love riding and u told me she don't ride anymore...but u rite she will never leave no one else will ever take her.  I went to my seminar and he called, I told him I can't talk, I tried to call him when driving home but he didn't answer. He tired to call me today while I was at work, I didn't pick up. I am 99% sure he was trying to get me to go to VT last minute, the work buddy probably backed out like always.....point is though I was only the back up plan. Randy loves riding, randy loves motorcycles and snowmobiles and playing with the boys and he will always love that more than any woman.

I recognize that he learned this behavior because he wasn't nurtured properly growing up, his heart is wounded. I also realize that my running away from men when they hurt me, friends too for that matter, is my learned behavior from me not being nurtured. Many things came out in the workshop with Wendy last night, most of all that I deserve much more love than Randy gives to me. It's time to finish healing, I have done much work over the years it's time to finish, well we are never finished but I meant it's time to be healed enough and ready enough for a loving partner. For as much as I wish someone would love me how I am I know that my shards still poke a little those who get too close and I have made much progress in staying and communicating instead of running away but I can improve there too. So a bit more healing work, a lot of nurture me time and I should be ready for love. And when my heart is all glowy and new I know it will be a beacon of light that draws the right man to it. We also talked last night of being with the right partner, one who rises together with us in love rather than one who drags us back down, as the bible calls "unequally yolked" I must find a man who also has done the healing work on himself, Randy it appears would rather stay broken I can't get close to that or I am not loving myself.....no this heart of mine is going to glow!

What becomes of the Broken Hearted? Well that's up to them....they can heal or they can stay broken.....they can walk the path that leads them to love and intimacy or they can walk the path that keeps them lost and alone....there are always choices......each and everyday a brand new choice......as for me I'm healing more and more everyday and I am looking for the heart that is going to embrace and nurture mine right back.......


With Love and in the Light, Cassie

What Becomes Of The Broken Hearted

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-fVL9FldD6U