2-28-11 Be Gentle Pulling Out The Thorns
So Friday I was supposed to go meet a guy for a drink whom I had been writing to but I begged off, I told him I was tired and cranky and I didn't want to make a bad first impression, he was nice about it and said he'd call... I was still faced with the depressing idea of heading home to be alone in that big cold empty house....and I recalled Wendy's advice to nurture myself through these rough times so I decided to treat myself to dinner and a movie at the new fork and screen theater at the mall. I had been wanting to try it for some time but people complained about it so I shyed off not wanting to waste my money. But I am so glad that I decided to try it, I quite enjoyed the experince and the movie and came out of there feeling so much better. I got a call from a friend and made plans to go meet another friend for lunch the next day and headed home.
Driving home I got to worrying about money again but my little voice said Don't worry I will get you money Thank you I replied. When I got home I got to thinking about all the mean things I texted and e-mailed to Randy this past week and I decided to send him an apology, and I told him I would always pray for him and I wished him happiness and that I was sorry that I wanted more of his time than he wanted to give to me, that really had been THE issue all along, I wanted more of his time but I had realized sitting there in the theater with the other couples that was never who he wanted to be, he wanted to be out on his motorcyle with a chick on the back and I wanted to be sitting watching a movie or a sunset after a nice walk or day on the beach. He is wild and free and I never should have tried to keep him by my side. I let that thorn drop to the ground and the wound began to heal.
Saturday night I was going out dancing with my singles group and had nothing to wear (remember most of my stuff is still packed in the pack rat) so I decied to go check the clearance racks, I even prayed to find something in the second store and I did! A pair of grey dressy pants for $8! And they looked pretty good on too! I was happy to be at Ralph's event and pleny of "my people" came which made Ralph happy, so happy that when he took the Mic he even thanked me. It felt good to be apreicated and I shared with him a contact for a venue near where I am moving to and told him I had some ice breaker ideas for the singles. It has hurt me in the past that I have done so much to help people grow thier groups and they make money and I never have but you know I do get something from this, I get so much joy bringing people together and helping shy people come out and be social. So I pulled that thorn out too.....and the thorns of sitting there night after night while others "hooked up" and found thier ones. I felt so hurt and so sad, especially the BBQ's at my house, going to bed alone. But this night I sat there and wished I had a majic wand and I wished that I could make every one of them fall in love and live happily ever after...
Thinking back on my BBQ's reminded me of a Randy story...the summer we were dating I was planning the first party of the year and so thrilled that this year I would have MY guy to linger after the party and lay outside on the trampolione and look at the stars with me and listen to the river....something I always wanted to do like other couples had done at the end of my parties all those long years. But a week before the party we went to his sisters house and I had invited them, driving back to Keyport and talking to his mom she mentioned being excited about coming..oh no I thought and knew he would have to come from home and go home because she lived near by. He said he'd tell her she can't go when he saw how sad I was but I said of course you must bring her. I still cried about it and I am ashamed at myself now for being so sad about such a silly thing but I was brave that night and when he left I didn't even wimper.......but a couple hours later, just as the last few guests were leaving he came back! He had driven her home and turned around and came back and we layed on the trampoline and cuddled under the stars. That memory brought me joy and also pain, I wished I had focused more on those times he was there and not on the times he was not.... But that was another thorn I could pull out.....he hadn't abandonde me quite as much as I remembered....
Sunday I got up and I went to mass, it was very nice the scripture reading was about the birds of the air and the flowers and how they do not worry as they know God will provide for them. I knew that I need to remeber this even more. I saw my old friend there, and this time he still didn't look at me as I passed by but he didn't turn away. I thought about going over and speaking to him after mass but I knew he would say that I had hurt him, all I could think of saying back to him was and you also hurt me, I decided that wasn't what he would want to hear so I let it go. I did feel though that I can forgive him and pull out that thorn too....we really can't get close to others till we pull out all the thorns came to my mind. After mass I checked out a place to go walking near my church that's along a tow path and decided it will make a fine spot to do an event soon...I walked and enjoyed the sunshine before heading home.... When I got home there were people there looking through my barn, I had put Jermys old desk and chair for Free on craiglist and they had asked if they could come back and take a look when they saw the boys yard sale signs. I was so glad I let them, it's hard to give away things that I had paid so much for but they hadn't sold and i need to bless people with these things. He told a sad tale of buying a house and then loosing his job, so many are out of work right now or in lower paying jobs. It's time for us to learn to re-use, re-cycle, share what we have, barter and trade. He gave me his card and said he's a carpenter and if i need any help between now and my closing to call him he will glady come help me..... Its been a thorn of pain for me that I don't have a man to help me, this place slowly falling apart over the years....that gesture truly blessed me, another thorn of pain I can pull out so I can heal.........
In the evening on Sunday i went to a workshop that Wendy had pulled together for me, one that I really needed a lot of help with: Love Your Body. If you recall I did set out this time last year to love my body and to lose some weight and be in better shape, and for awhile I did succed with that, I lost 25lbs and I even went to the nude beach with Randy last summer.......but winter, and being alone, losing Randy, and the trials and tribulations of my move and my finances I have been through just packed everything back on. I see pictures of myself and I think OMG you are so fat and so ugly! Yes I truly do, but you know I been saying that to myself my entire life, even before I WAS fat and ugly. Talk about a plethera of thorns! And these were all self inflicted! Yes this is going to take lots of work, lots of meditation and lots of self healing. But thanks to Wendy I now have the tools to do this practice and begin this healing in earnest. The big issues that BIG work don't forget that.......but I am working it, and I am pulling out the thorns and sending healing to myself and I will get there I won't give up because I want to love and be loved and I want to be able to let people get close to me with out hurting them with my thorns....
Today, what are you big and deep thorns? What one's have you jabbed into yourslef with your own negative self talk? Take and invetory of all the negative things you have said to yourself and come up with some real plans and work to removed them from yourself........LOVE YOURSELF just the way you are.......the way God does.......kindly and gently.......be gentle with yourslef.........
With Love and in the Light, Cassie
Gentle With Myself
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ihWYx-QJ95I
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