3-3-11 Open Wounds are Ready to Heal

3-3-11  Open Wounds are Ready to Heal

This week has reminded me of my nursing days, partly because I am considering a second job and a nursing assitant is one of the jobs I am thinking about (but my back is moaning in agony just recalling those days) and also because I feel like a trauma paitent who's in ICU with limited vistiors and extreme precautions to prevent infection....here's why....

Monday was a rough day, dealing with stuff related to my house closing and I asked for an extension of my closing date. Since the township moved the date back I lost the house I bid on and  there is only ONE on the market now in my price range that even comes close to what I could want, and its a short sale, meaning bank owned and red tape and I can't close on it till after April 11th at the earliest...so when the township wrote and asked to see my property again I said sure and can we move the date back if we have to. My selling agent was livid! Absoultely livid I tell you! I finally had to hang up on her and I was very very glad that Mary called me and asked to meet for dinner, I was losing it.... I left work and got there early and my little voice said go in Michaels and buy yourself something for your new home. I can't spend money was my reply but I walked in the door and the flower arrangements were 50% off and I figured what the heck, I selected one for only $15 and was pleased to see it was  pink dogwood my mother loved pink dogwood) and had a key hanging on it! (Vic loved keys they represent unlocking of new things to me) My voice told me to get something for Mary too and I spent $3 on her and she cried when I gave it to her she was so touched. Best $20 I spent in a very long time...and I ended up getting free chips and slasa from 4square and $5 appetizer was my meal so the money I spent I saved on dinner anyway!

I cried to Mary about all my woes and she listened paitently, non-judgementally and gave me some good advice like she always does. The biggest of all was to keep my faith and listen to my own voice and quit running around listening to everyone else. I decided to push back to my realtor who was having a fit insisting I clean up the outside of my property, (I am don't have the money and I listed AS IS for a reason), and they held me up for three years on my sale so if I ask for 3 more weeks that's not so much to ask for (and they happily agreed despite her fits). She assured me that God was in control of the timing for my home and my move and if I can just relax I will be ok. I also talked of my pain of the gaping wound of not having a man to share my life with and she asked me to be paitent with that too. I felt some better and went home.

Tuesday night I met with a guy pal who is going to help me with events, that was fun and full of hope and promise till the following day when he sent me a list of all the things he wants me to buy and to do for a diet he wants me to go on. He cares about me a lot and I know that but I am just so raw and so stressed that I can't start a diet now, I need to get through this move and in my new home but he and I had a text message fight over it with him saying I don't really want to change. I do but I know I am too weak and too stressed and too raw to try something that I am likely to fail a lot at starting out. In the end though we finally talked and he agreed to wait till I get moved to push me with this. I also was having issues with my gal friend and event stuff, I wasnt listening to her ideas and some other organizer was and she started working with him. This brought up tons of my abandonment issues and I just stopped taking her calls, this of course upset her. We did end up hashing it out some on e-mail and we both communucated to one another that we love and care for one another and we have different visions so this too will be ok but for now, I just need to back off a tiny bit till I feel better. I need rest...

Wednesday Jeremy came over as I was leaving for work to start to clean up the piles of mess that my tennant left when he moved out. I was greatful for his help but also getting agitated with him and his agitated energy about me, and he kept calling me all day too. Ugh and when I got home I found out he had a fit and threw something and broke the toilet in the tennant side and slammed my back door and shook the glass. Not at all what I needed when I was already stressed! And I had to go to court to deal with the thing from when that girl he knows was here and we had a fight and she had me arrested for alleged assault. I drove him and his friend home before I headed to court and he was trying to re-assure me, told me to trust in God, told me Tony is good you know he will take care of this, and he said he felt really ashamed for getting me into this mess. I told him I just wanted an apology and he gave it to me. I let them out and he came and patted my shoulder and I cried to that this is all just so hard for us all that I never had a husband to help me and I never had a father to help raise him and he said I know I know but all we can do is keep faith in God. I felt like an ass for crying to my son when I am the parent but you know he told me Mom this makes me feel good to be able to now help you some and he said this is a test you know that don't you. God wants to see how much faith you really have.......

So I showed up for court and Tony as always was a comfort to see (so long as I didnt focus on what this must be costing me) Jesse didn't show and we tried to get it dismissed but the judge insisted on re-scheduling so now I have to come back and pay Tony for a second appearance, while this brat gets to use the public defender I might add, oh our judicial system is so askew..... But anyway Tony said the township agreed to clean up the outside of the property and me the inside (like I said all along) and they moved my closing to April 12th and had no problem with that. I texted this to my realtor as I refuse to get on the phone and listen to her right now, she was ok and I said don't ever forget who's in charge here. I meant God but I think she thought I meant me, whatever works. LOL  So everything is falling in ok......court was a wash, house things are in order so far so good, my son is finding god and learning to give back to me... you'd think I could relax right? But no..............I went to bed all exhasted but was still wide awake at midnight, I got to thinking of Saint Rita of Cassia who's life mine is quite similar to (she married a rich but absive man, had two sons, then he died and the sons went astray for awhile but then found God and she ended her life by becoming a nun) Oh please God don't make me live my life out like a nun! I was so upset about still being alone and without a partner that I sobbed till my body shook, I sobbed and sobbed till I feel asleep that way. I am sore and raw from al the thorns of rejection I have pulled out, the thorns of abuse and neglect, the thorns of men who passed me over for the thin and pretty girls, the thorns of my husband choosing to drink everynight of my mother being such a narsccist, and of randy choosing a woman who will ride his motorcycle over me who loves him.......I am raw and I need to heal now. I think the angels must have carried my soul off somewhere last night to minister to it because I did that wake up startled feeling like I just fell into my body thing just before the alarm today.......they do that sometimes, our soul travels when we sleep and we go to be ministered to for healing.

I got up to face the new day and the Angel card was New Love, they are listening I thought! This card means they will fix the love I have or they will bring me brand new love.....its all just a matter of faith now........I can believe that God will find me a new home and I can believe that my sons are going to turn out just fine and I can belive that I will never run out of money or not have food or shelter but I have yet to learn how to believe that someone will love me.......but it's coming.......I am healing. These big gaping wounds are ready to heal.....
.......I pulled out my thorns so I won't hurt others now its time to heal the wounds so I wont get hurt when I allow others to come close......

Today take a look at your wounds and honor them, for each one of them was a lesson, a battle scar that you should wear with courage and pride. They are not ugly to those who see beyond them to your heart and soul and know how beautiful these wounds actually helped you to become.... Rest my friends rest and heal and keep yourself safe and protected.....God will take care of all your worries.........everything is as it should be ...rest and grow strong.........there is much ahead.....

With Love and in the Light, Cassie

Heal the Wound - Point of Grace
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2sXt3RU_1do