12-17-10 Frozen in Place

12-17-10   Frozen in Place Remember when I posted last and I told you not to look down?  Well I looked down, I got scarred and now here I sit FROZEN.....let me tell you what happened...  Just when I thought I had all my ducks in a row, had jumped through EVERY hoop. met every condition to get that grey house and get moved in before Christmas they decide that I can not move in and rent it that I have to buy it now, she now claims that they have a cash offer that is just $800 less than my full price offer. She suddenly had the signed contract to buy and sent it right over to my realtor, claiming they'd honor my offer since it came in first. After some agonizing though I decided heck no I was mad, mad at them for promising me something and not delivering and my offer to pay full price was contingent on them letting me in now while mine closed, and not forcing me to get a bridge loan or any other such nonsense. Because I wanted a home for Christmas, a new home to fill with love and light and baking like my grandma used to do. So I told my realtor tell her no thank you, she can sell it to the other people, and IF in the new year that offer falls through (or didn't even exist as I suspect) I will go back in with a lower offer, if I still want it. Yep brave I was but sad inside me. This came on the same day that I had to show up for court. That didn't go as planned either, instead of waiting to go in and discuss with the prosecutor Jesse went up and plead not guilty for my trespassing charges the police told me to file and started trying to tell the judge I assaulted her. Not the sharpest little thing but anyway he just said OK then we go to trial, and she is applying for a public defender... I however, being a working person can't afford one. Oh what the world teaches us these days, if you can't be super rich you may as well not work at all and live off the government, the way things keep going there won't be a working class anymore and then where will we be? But I digress..... I now have to go back and appear at a trial and hope things go well with me trying to defend myself with no witnesses. I am hoping in the end my son will go with me, he was there but claims he was asleep, how he was asleep and saying he didn't know the girls name is beyond me.... So there I sat, being sad about losing that house, worrying about defending myself with no witnesses (the truth may set you free but it seldom saves you in our judicial system these days).  John never called so I guess that was a blow off (why they come on so strong and then disappear with no explanation I will never know) but anyway in a weak moment I did what we all do and I looked back, I broke down and texted Randy and asked him to call me......which he did. He said I should rent an apartment for a year up near work and then he just wanted to talk about his snowmobile trip coming up. Yep this is his time he LOVES the snow the cold the ice. Oh well at least he's happy, he's a simple fellow and it doesn't even hurt anymore. He loves what he loves..........Mary said he wants me to stay up here an rent instead of move down there for self preservation, she said he'd come over if I was there. Frankly I don't care, he'd make a nice friend, there always was a comfort there between us, a bond and a friend is nice to have. But right now I think of him and there is no sexual desire left, not a shred, because when I envision him in my mind it's not a man I see but a 12 yr old boy and I really don't think I would be happy living in Vermont either. I don't regret the carefree fun summer we shared, not one bit, my mistake was to not end it in September when I said I would and instead tried to turn it into something it couldn't be. Love comes in many forms, when we accept it as it is and learn not to ask of it what it is not, that is where we find our peace. Last night I had dinner with Mary, she says she sees a promotion at work coming my way, a big jump in responsibility and also in pay....bring it on I said I can handle the responsibility I just haven't been willing to take it on manger level responsibility at entry level pay. We'll see how that pans out.... She said I was taking the house let down well and I told her after all this I have finally finally gotten to the "whatever" phase, of just dealing with thing as they are and sitting patiently for things to change. I also got a reading that night that I had scheduled online several days before. Ray felt really bad but I am learning more and more to trust the universe and when things are delayed its best to just wait and not worry. Here's his site, for $5 you can learn much: http://www.truepathreadings.com/  Anyway he told me many things but the biggest one was about my move, he said what I need to do now is NOTHING, to not think about it to not talk about it to not look at any new houses. He said to keep moving forward with the sale of the old house, and since I had an appointment with the mortgage guy Monday to keep that. He also echoed what Mary said about Mike perhaps not being a good choice of a realtor for me, I know he's inexperienced but I was hoping to help him learn, he's a nice patient young guy who needs to learn a few tricks if he's going to make it in NJ (he's not from around here). Today I worked from home and spent the day with Jeremy, I dragged his butt out of bed at the crack of noon (yeah right II know) and made him scrub the shower for me and clean up his room. I had made him move down from the attic to save on the heating bill but his mess is still up there. I talked to him and told him he has to follow all my rules if he wants to stay here and we are making a contract. I then found out he had smoked in my house so I said he has to quit smoking and he agreed to go to the doctor and try some anti depressants again. I also took him for a haircut and we got groceries. We got him some St John's Wort for his depression and I told him to hang on soon the light would be coming back and he'd be less sad. He's also going to my friends house for Christmas dinner...I had invited my Jewish gal pal over and was going to cook for her in my new home (she's a closet ham eater don't tell anyone) She also was going to bring her Jewish ex boyfriend, they said it would be more fun than the traditional movie and Chinese restaurant! hahaha BUT since I am not moving in she is cooking for us! Now how many people do you know who can get a Jew to cook them a ham dinner on Christmas? And we get to sit around her lovely Hanukkah tree (I'll have to get  pictures of that!) So I am frozen stuck here in place but I am for once in my life just going to sit back and see what happens and live for the moments I have and the people who are with me in those moments. I am very much looking forward to the Full Moon on Winter Solstice and it's also going to be a total Lunar eclipse! This is a very very rare occurrence! Much change is going to be coming after that, so be ready........don't worry that if everything seems frozen right now, there will be a thaw.............today just sit and wait , no need to go out into the storm....and don't let the snow blind you....... With Love and in The Light, Cassie Styx - Snowblind http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QdMEQ2fU7HA Black Can Be Beautiful O God, black can be beautiful! Let us be aware of black blessings: Blessed be the black night that nurtures dreams. Blessed be the black hole out of which creation sprang. Blessed be the black cave of imagination that births creativity. Blessed be dark wombs that cradle us. Blessed be black loam that produces nourishing food for our bodies. Blessed be black jazz that nourishes our souls. Blessed be black energy that swirls into gracefulness. Blessed be black coal that heats us. Blessed be black boiling clouds hurling down lightning and cleansing rain. Blessed be even our own darkness, our raw, undeveloped cave of shadows. O God, help us to befriend black and not deny its power. Help us not to cover over the dark with fear but to open to it with your grace and to be open to your life within the dark. May we discover the blessings that lie deep within our holy dark so that we may freely affirm that Black is beautiful indeed!