10-18-10 Don't Feed The Birds
Saturday night I had a dream that I was on this cruise with my family, Aunts and Uncles and cousins even my parents. All the people I love that I don't really spend time with anymore. I have sort of distanced myself from them due to the pain that has been my life ever since I left Belmont and came to NJ to marry Gus back in 89. I was so ashamed that I had married such a mean alcoholic and I couldn’t face the I told you so's anymore nor could I see how lovely and happy everyone's else’s families were. Yep I am the black sheep of my family that’s for sure. I have been re-connecting some lately because of facebook and while I am not a part of thier lives I can read about their lives and see the grandkids pics and feel that I have a family. Sometimes I comment on them and sometimes they even reply back, but not too often...... One Aunt even defriended me, probably though cuz I post so much and she doesn’t know how to hide me from the feed. She did send me $75 when I had my help me pay my mortgage plea out there and a be more careful with your money warning...she doesn’t know how I lost both my sons social security checks as they turned 18 and that my taxes went up 30% in one year or that i used up all my 401k. But she helped some and that’s appreciated. I always have been one to rely on myself though so deep down I feel better not to get too much help.
So anyway sat night I had this vivid dream, quite a restless night all in all, I went to bed early (people who are broke and can’t afford to go out on sat night do tend to go to bed at 10:30) and I woke up numerous times, startled. But back to the dream....I was on a cruise ship with my family and for some reason I wandered off to get some breakfast as I had missed eating with everyone else and we were going on a boat excursion at noon....things kept going wrong the counter staff was mean to me and then I got lost on the ship wandering through various corridors for hours....I had just spotted the main lobby and had my bearings when my cousin and her husband pulled up in a golf cart and urged me to hop in, I did and they drove me straight to where all the others were ready to get on the small excursion boat, the water and all the people scared me and I wasn’t prepared and was trying to beg off and go back when she said ooh look at the sky and I did and it was the most amazing colors of pink and purple it was breathtaking, much like the sky Randy and I saw at Sandy Hook this summer but even deeper.
My Angel card Sunday was listening and I think this dream is telling me that I should not be afraid to re-connect with my family now, even though I am finding my own way despite the long struggles and I really don't need them life is going to be so much more beautiful if I can share it with them. I decided I am open to that and I think the cousin in the dream is going to facilitate that, she's the oldest one and she has always been very kind to me. I had cried out one night in sadness that I wanted a family one night coming back from seeing Randy, family is important to me but the pains of having one kept me away. You know how critical they can be sometimes and my life there's been much to criticize. But I am strong enough now to love myself through the criticism and to not expect any help from them. It makes me understand these kids here better, last night they were drinking again and I said to one OMG you are doing this because you feel so inferior and insecure..I was your age once and I did the same thing for the same reasons! Oh dear God please let me get to rent a small house instead of that tiny condo so that my son can come see me and stay over sometimes and I will have room to have thanksgiving dinner for them!
Another disappointment, I had found a Medieval Gown on e-bay that I wanted to win to wear for Halloween so I can be Arwen, $20 really is my price limit though but this was under $10 for shipping and mine was the highest bid at $6.66! Really though wow now there's a miracle if I win that...today I got out bid and went up to $20 and still was outbid so I let that one go. It bugs me that owners can bid on their own stuff, if they have a price in mind then just have a store and sell it but I guess that's how it works and it gets them free advertising and who am I to say, it was worth more than my bid and she deserves to get what it’s worth. I wish Vic would put some Inspiristones up there and make us some money....
So anyway I finally got a call from my realtor and my fears were eased that he was ditching me since I didn’t have a buyer so we still planned to meet, I then realized I still didn’t know was I going to a small condo or a small house and didn’t know how to re-organize my packing, spirit told me go to church its Sunday. I debated with myself and kept stalling doing chores but each time I looked it seemed time stood still till I finally gave in and headed for church. I took a bag of candy for my friend but he didn’t sit with me and seemed cold at kiss of peace time so when I got a call from my realtor I slipped out right after communion and didn’t want to see him. Turns out the other house I wanted to do a rent to own was not available. But we did meet and looked at a few and I found one really cheap, really small but perhaps do-able...
I also called Mary to tell her Randy didn’t want the kittens and maybe I did if someone charity would pay for shots and spaying. She told me she talked to him and must been shortly after I was texting with him, he sounded hurt she said and I decided to text him to see if he wanted to meet since I was going to be there anyway. He said he thought he could and he did. We sat in each of our cars and talked for about 3 hrs, discussed a lot of things about our lives, I explained why we have to be only friends now and he said don’t call him the f-word how about buddy and I said sure. I explained that I want a husband of my own and a love of my own and ignored his trying again to tell me "the wife" was just a tenant like Todd was just a tenant. I said we have to keep us secret from her this is not the same, he also said how i keep doubting him and I said because you keep telling partial truths and I can’t live my life that way. He asked if we could be buddies after I find a husband and I said it depends on how that guy feels about it I must honor him. All in all though I realize I am not going to get the love I want from him, he said if she leaves he wants me and I said if I am still single we can re-visit this, but I can’t keep offering up myself to him this way it’s not respecting me. I said though how can I feel loved when you chose her and only ended up with me cuz she left? Again he reminded me there would have been no her if I hadn’t left, again I remind him I left because he didn’t seem to love me. All I know is I am not going to settle for less, not settle for being a mistress and not settle for that tiny little second floor condo that I looked at even if Randy had a dream and that’s where he saw me living, that would be easy and safe but so less satisfying, instead I am going to take the risk and get a house and a roommate or something. For this reason I can’t settle for the little Randy offers, I am going to hold out for better, better from him or someone better that’s up to him and God but most of all I guess it’s true I need to love myself and not expect love from someone else....
Today I woke up and decided to call my realtor and lower the listing on my house, since I found a really cheap one yesterday, small but do-able, and Todd ignored me all weekend and didn’t tell me if he wanted to do the rent to own that I am just going to move out and rent and work on selling the place. Maybe the rent to own with him is too risky and the main draw was him keeping my son. It’s time to quit trying to provide shelter for him he is sturdy enough to do so himself. I was reflecting on sitting there eating my lunch by the bay and the sign don't feed the birds. I was disappointed because I loved to feed them and I even found a way around it by "feeding" the fries to the garbage can and they came there to eat them. Randy said they do the same thing in Vermont, there are signs up why to not feel the animals and it’s because it’s not good for them to eat this and it makes them weak to not have to go out and work for their own food. The same applies to people, struggles may be hard for us but they make us stronger. God can’t reach down and save us every time.....still he watches over us and guides and helps.....
Today take a look at what you are settling for in your life........is what you have good enough or just the easiest and least amount of effort? Do you go out and hunt down opportunities or do you expect them to be fed to you by someone else? Are you strong or are you choosing weakness? Is what’s left laying around the healthiest for you? Everyone knows that the apples on the ground are the rotten ones, you gotta go out on a limb for the good stuff.........and please don’t feed the animals, it really will make them weak…..
I am strong enough, what about you?? If you aren’t all you have to do is pray and ask God and the angels to help you be strong.
With Love and in the Light, Cassie
Strong Enough
PS.
I forgot to add yesterday my realtor took me to see some homes in another town next to Keyport, I didnt want to live there but i didnt want to be close mined...didnt really like them and i recalled on the realtors sign there was a key---a reminder of Keyport, also a reminder of my Inspiristone business see God wont tell you your future but angels will give you signs to guide you.....pay attention.....
oh and as I sat in my car in the parking lot next to randy in his truck (he didnt want to get out and walk around probably afraid we'd be seen) but anyway I recalled how the day before for times i came back to my car and a truck like his was parked next to me......a sign I think to stay buddies with him for now....
called my realtor told her lower the price, and also look for tennants, my buying agent called and we talked about some possibilites he's also checking on 1008 Sunset ave....pack rat just came! I dont know where I am going but its going to be soon! 21 years in this house and I am ready to move Keyport here I come.....dear Lord please guide to the right choices
