10-31-10 Masks
New Beginnings, that was my angel card today and I guess it's fitting. I woke up and had a dream about Randy, in my dream he had invited me down to his place and I was almost there and I stopped at the gas station, I glanced over and he was holding a baby very tight to his chest and he got into a car and his "wife" came out and was driving the car and they sped away like trying to get away before I got there. Now I know that babies mean new beginnings so I am pretty sure this means she has convinced him to have a new try with her, and since they did go to a party together last night I can assume this is correct. All i know is I am not going to contact him, if he wants me it's up to him. I am done begging for love and attention and am going to wait for one to come along who gives it freely, willingly and without fear.
My gal pal had came down to go to the Halloween party last night and we drove together to Sea Bright, I took her by to show her the house I want and she liked it, there is still much work going on there and no one living there yet but there was a car in the parking area with plates from another state. Looked like there was a lot more that needed to be done there also. Anyway my friend said she used to live in this area when she was younger and looked forward to coming to visit me in the summer months. She moved in with a man a few years ago and they aren't getting along, they live in the same house and they go on vacation together and to movies but they live like brother and sister. He claims to want someone else and she is very sad but not in a financial position to move out just now. It's sad how people seem to get stuck in places where they aren't happy, if it were me I'd move out and live in a box if I had to get away. But we came up with a plan for her and I hope she tries it.
I got a call from Mary and we made plans to go to dinner and see the Trick or Treaters and all the decorations in Lambertville tonight, lots of my friends are going to the one in NYC and I was going to go but decided this is my last year on this side of the state so I better go and my days with seeing Mary very are slipping away too, we will see each other but less frequently. I probably need to learn to listen to my own visions more anyway. I did tell her about that dream and she said for me to remember it was HER in the driver's seat, I said ok but he still CHOOSE to go with her and not me and that's the reality at my door.....true she said and I will see you later..
Shortly after that I got a text from Randy asking me how my party was, since we are buddies I answered him: Great I said, everyone liked my costume, how was yours?....Crazy fun I wish you were here he sent back.......Now I am think why the heck would he wish I was there? and texted back: Don't think the wife would have liked that but Glad you had fun .......he then sent me a picture of him and a guy and said buddy from work......where did ya go I asked......To a party he said.....i knew that geezee.....I asked where but you don't want to tell me whatever byeee......hoping to have ended that interchange.....but he texted me the town and then he commented on the picture of me in my costume I sent him....(notice how I SAY I don't want to keep talking to him but I do)......wow you looked hot he texted.........thanks I said I felt good about me too and made some friends with the locals.......then i sent another.....what did the wife dress as? (thinking to myself wow he chose apropriatley dressing as a court jester)...He I was dressed as and Elven Princess Arewn waiting for her king to come and the man she wishes was her king is off playing games and dressed as the court jester!
 His reply was: I don't know.........grrr how could he not know? Does he not know what she was meant to be? Did she blow him off last minute? Maybe he had never planned to go with her and just let me assume that cuz he knew I'd be mad if he was going to a party with the boys from work instead of one with me.......But hey he fails to communicate and I am trying to decipher what he means. We tend to do this with people who are not fully authentic with us, play guessing games at what's behind the mask.....this is such a waste of energy. So I texted back, truth is just too difficult a concept for you isn't it? sorry I asked. And I was sorry I asked......his reply: I like you you're funny and a big smiley face.......I ignored that text and then he sent a funny picture of two skeletons getting it on and said You Just Got Boned......Yup back to the 12 year old mentality its so much easier than to try and communicate like an adult and have an adult relationship. Whatever......
I also thought about an altercation I had or well a friend of mine had with an ex friend of mine the night before. This guy hasn't talked to me in a few weeks and I don't know what I did to offend him. He has ignored my calls, texts, e-mails and snubbed me even at church! I want my flash drive back that he has and I instead of being an adult and just walking over to him to ask sat there and growled about it and eventually one of my slightly tipsy friends went over and asked for it back. That met with resistance, and a few words and no flash drive. Now I know I could have gone over and talked to him but I know him well enough to know he's have acted snotty, and I would have had to listen to a long drawn out stuff on my shortcomings as a human being, and the need for him to have walls against me and well its just not worth all the work anymore.....He wears too many masks and guards himself so much by trying to rip yours off all the time........whatever.
Today is Halloween and it's a good day to take a look at the masks that YOU wear and with whom. I know that there are some people that it's not healthy to let see the real you because they won't be kind with you, and I know that you have also put these masks on for very very good reasons from your past......but I am telling you that unless you take off your masks for the people that you do want intimate relationships and friendships with you are always going to be very very alone.........no matter how many people are in your crowd.........aren't you tired of being alone behind those masks?
With Love and In The Light, Cassie | 
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