10-13-10 Looking for Mr/Ms Gumball?

10-13-10 Looking for Mr/Ms Gumball?

Wow this was an emotional morning for me and oddly it all fell into place, I found my own answers inside myself and again I see what I still need to work on to change ME.....but let's back up a bit to last night after work.......

I went home and I showed the place to the second couple who were interested in it because their realtor was late, mind you everyone knows that you shouldn’t let ME talk to potential buyers because I am just too freaking honest and I'll disclose anything anyone asks me, or some stuff they don’t even ask me but I think they need to know. LOL That's just who I am, and it's not a "flaw" I am convinced I should change, in my opinion its what’s brought me so many close friends, they know I hide nothing so they don’t feel they have to hide anything.......but I digress...

Anyway they looked at it but they wanted to buy it to rent out as apartments and I told them I wanted the Historical Society to buy it and how I wanted it to be a museum and how the HGTV paranormal team was there and how the publicity would bring people and how they could get all kinds of grants for historical preservation and look how beautiful it is it’s a shame to now share with the whole world and did I mention it’s also haunted? Yeah like I told ya, this is why I am not nor ever will be in sales, too honest. I love that about me! so there all of you who disagree with who I am! I don’t care I like that I am this way and I see the greater value in it!

So anyway I had gotten that message about The Law of Detachment and I was trying oh so hard to figure out how to apply that message to my current circumstances about the house situation so I put that out of my mind........whew sigh of relief ok God will take care of it. But then.....I started thinking about my man situation again and how hurt I was about not getting who I wanted. I was IMing with a buddy and told him about the Randy thing and he said well I am not surprised and he mentioned someone else he thought I may end up with and well that annoyed me to no end! No way can’t be this one ruled him out for sure. I went to bed with this on my mind so I tired some mediating, and I must say my reiki color light show is even more brilliant than ever since 10-10-10 and that comforted me as I feel asleep. But the next morning the card was Soul Mate and I saw an intention note I had left myself, and realized that it had left a question open, a possibility open and even Randy had said to me I thought you wanted him I was just here to give you the 1 thing he didn’t......this caused me so much distress that I can’t describe. I wanted to call someone but it was too early.....I went into a panic but then I recalled some of what I had read in Wendy's blog and I went back to read it fully on my coffee break and I gave me a lot of answers........the rest I found inside myself

In reading Wendy's post on The So Called War between men and women wendyrwolf.blogspot.com/2010/10/thoughts...war-between-men.html
I saw so much of myself in that one that I was ashamed. It's true, despite my weight issue I really have had many men come in my life, all of them I chew up and spit out like used gum. I am not a user, I try real hard to never break anyone's heart, I never lead anyone on but nearly every guy who answers my ads don't get past the third mail, and those who get a date never get a second and despite my constant whining about being alone and how sad it makes me I know I could have chosen one.......and the only one in all these 12 years that I did choose really was just like my Dad, emotionally unavailable to me. Sure he had the good qualities of my step dad, he could fix things and take care of me like my step dad does for my mom BUT he was distant and not available most of the time like my birth father who abandoned me and I always had that fear he'd leave me. I was right too, instead of coming to love me and be a family with me he found and made a new family just like my birth father and left me alone.....

So the point again yet again it's still there is I don't need to look for anyone else to love me or give me what I need, I need to do that for myself. I need to learn to be HAPPY alone with me because even a thousand men can’t satisfy me if I can’t find my happiness and joy alone with myself. I have done that for 12 years, made the best of things, supported myself, handled things myself, raised my kids and kept my house going by myself. Randy in defense of himself for not coming to comfort me before my bi-opsy last week said I know you don’t have cancer, and I knew that he knew that and I know that too.......but I just wanted someone to come comfort me because I was scared of the procedure not that I had cancer.

It's time for me to stop being scared of being alone when I am old or if I get sick. I don’t have to have anyone sitting next to me on that porch of my cabin by the lake and the house on the bay. I am going to be happy with or without, in every state of being. God still knows what I want and he can bring it to me if its right for me and if not I just need to be happy with what I got, it is a lot more than most people have that’s for sure! So no more putting quarters in the gumball machine, I'm going to see what shows up at my door.....and I am going be happy in the meantime, because after all that is what gratitude really is being happy with what you were given. And I am not going to rush into a physical relationship so fast like I did with Randy, it finally dawned on me how he kept telling me he never intended to be friends with me ever. And my best guy friend he never ever wanted to be my lover.......boo to them BOTH! I need a man who wants to be a friend AND a lover, to be there all the time through thick and thin. Not 24/7 not all of each other’s world but what it hurt me most was Randy did NOT want to be my friend he wanted the boys to be his friends, women were just for poking.

So I am going to sit back and see what shows up at my door, the message to get my soul mate came: ‎"If you can't stop chasing it, it can't come to you." And no I can't make a friend a lover if he's not attracted to me, and I can't make a lover a friend if he doesn’t want to be my friend no more trying to make anyone be anything or make anything happen or make anyone see my point. I am going to put in my order and let GOD make it for me! He closed the door on a few things but that’s because HE loves me and he wants me to love me and be patient and wait for him to bring to me all good things in due time.

What about you? Are you still out there posting and answering ad after add looking for Mr Gumball or Ms Gumball to come along and satisfy your cravings? Or ads for new homes, new jobs, new anything? Stop wasting your quarters hoping to get lucky! Sorting through the assorted oddballs on CL is like trying to pick Buzz Light Year out of the crane game filled with three eyes aliens! One in a million, sorry You got a better chance of winning the lottery. Again I say this to you and to me......all you have to do is put in your order and then….love yourself and your life and be happy NOW....the rest will come, it will arrive on your doorstep like UPS packages! The holidays are just around the corner.........believe………..

With Love and in the Light, Cassie

Could It Be Magic?