10-16-10 Keeping Faith in Disappointment

10-16-10 Keeping Faith in Disappointment

No offer came from the Historical Society *SIGH* The dream didn't come true but life goes on....

Today the angel card that I drew was Self-Acceptance, which is something we all need to be sure that we do. For me on this day I think it also means that I need to accept these looses, disappointments and failures with grace, dignity and faith. I have to trust that my God knows what he is doing here. I did not get an offer on the house from the Historical Society and now I must find a place to rent ASAP. I did not collect all the money I needed to pay the October mortgage, I got about half of it so I am going to use that for a down payment on an apartment. I did not get a yes from my boss on working from home 3 days a week, he didnt say no either he said write a proposal so now I am wondering if I should just get an apartment in Raritan for now, winters coming and the commute sucks, and do I really want to be that close to Randy and his "family"? Well tommorow my realotor is going to take me to see some houses that are rent to own if he can find any and if that is fruitful we'll see.....

Also Randy's not budging , he's not showing up at my doorstep with a ring in hand and soon he's not going to know my address and I am not going to tell him either. I know myself and I would be tempted to just let him stick around if he showed up, at present moment I am thinking that would not at all be good for me. No he'd have to contact me and take me on a date if he wanted to see me, and it would never get physical again unless we got engaged and had a plan for our future. See I am not slamming the door shut and putting one the dead bolts and getting out the razor wire to protect myself from him and to hide in my grief but neither am I going to sit here and leave myself wide open to get hurt and rejected again. I did calm down and realized he didn't really say no to me, what he actually said was sure hands down you are the one I want to be with forever but right now I can't, but if something changes..........at that point I said make the commitment now and we can work out the details as we go............the answer to that was a list of doubts and fears and when I responded fine never mind he said hold on now convince me......to which of course my reply was I have to majic words to say or wand to wave and I don't. No this one's on HIM, he has to search his heart and see if he really wants what he has or if he wants me and what I offer, and Gods got to speak to him and show him how to work it out and Randy most imporant of all has to decide he wants to give up fear of commitment and step into full and total love. So see it's not ME he said no to, it was commitment and I can speak to a myriad of men and women who have the same commitment issues by talking to and listening to the stories of my friends over the years. I can't lay down and die here, I can't hate him for this, I can't blame God or my waistline or the paper boy who sneaked a kiss from me in the woods 38 years ago and groped me and made me nervous for the rest of my life when guys make a 1st move towards me. I blame my cousins for that one they kept teasin and saying i had a crush on him when i didn't,so I felt he didn't like me so much as he felt prodded to do that because heck at least I liked him........oh I always did think too much didn't I? LOL But I digress....

So I called my realtor to see if he was still meeting me to show me that rent to own house tommorow, he has yet to call me back and I am nervous about that but not too much....my buddy IMed me and he said he thinks this is all a test.....great I say Gods testing me and I dont even know the questions! Also I had written Beth about the meditation thing she had going on tonight and she didnt get back to me till late in the day...I had a few tiny fears of rejection issues but didnt let them get the best of me and she eventually got back to me as said she's ill and cancelled for us all and replied to my e-mail and said yes lets create that Atrract Your Soulmate workshop, I have an idea but with a few modifications of the one I took that brought Randy to me. I also had been e-mailing with Todd's girlfriend and asked her to have him call me, I am anxious to seal the deal with this but she said I'll tell him but he probably won't call...and he hasn't but I am going to not get all worried about that thinking he changed his mind..

I also went out and ran some errands today in between my cleaning and packing and ordering a pack-rat container. No lie every place I parked when I came back out there was a big double cab black truck parked right next to me! You know who drives one of those....but I didnt let it make me sad or stressed....and then I kept seeing signs around town for cat adoptions and started to wonder if he got one yet and recalled that Mary wanted me to see if he wanted the stray kittens some lady had..... I broke down and texted him to see if he got a new cat.....two hours and no reply........but I was ok, just as well I thought I am fine I am not hurt I am not thinking he's an ass I am not thinking that was my last hope........finally he replied: yes sure did and he's great, and he sent a picture....great i said i am glad for you... Ok that's that...........but he sent: going to dockside for fish sandwich after work......that's nice I replied......was thinking of going about 6:30 wanna come?...........and there it was, had he not read my e-mails saying no more, friends only, no benifits....then again i had said i wanted to be friends in time, but i am short on cash and not driving 1.5 hrs so I said sorry cant got no money............and then a second one also packing got a pack rat coming monday.......he replies hes got some extra cash........wow hes offering to pay? But I replied see second text I am packing tonight......his reply was guess I am going to be sitting there looking at an empty chair..... maybe someday I texted but I am sad tonight not goo company........anything I can do to help?... he texted.....I knew what he meant by that and replied..... you do know there will be no more pokey (thats what he calls sex) and when I see you i will explain why............that shut him up......and he never bothered to ask if i got an offer on my house or not.

Now I had spent a part of the afternoon answering a few very cheap apartment for rent ads because as I said I didnt hear back from my realtor. I looked close to work and close to Keyport because as I said now I dont know for sure where I belong.........one guy called who had a very small but very cheap 2nd floor condo for rent. I know I cant stay there too long but a year I could handle, and this one is in a town just on the other side of the parkway across from Keyport, I told him how I loved the area and he mentioned The Fishery which I just love, 10 min from there he said........34 min from work.......and he said I can have a cat as he and his wife had two when they lived there. Great I said I never lived alone before and I think a cat will help.........(great Randy can be alone in his room sleeping with his cat and I can be alone in my room sleeping with my cat) Oy vey! Well not to worry this is only temporay, someday I am going to have a house again...when my Aragon comes along and BUYS me a lovely house on the bay or we put our money and buy it together, now THAT'S commitment!...........maybe 1008 Sunset next year.....oh well don't want to waste too much time on dreams, they do have such a habit of crumbling down...

So today think about what it is that you need to accept and make peace with. There are many things in our lives but I think the biggest one is relationship failures that haunt us. Do yourself a favor and just deal with it already, and don't try and deal with it by not thinking about it and hiding all the evidence. You can burn all the photos, toss out all the movie ticket stubs, the his and hers t-shirts whatever but I tell you this, there will alway be something there to remind you so you may as well make peace in your heart with it. Don;t run from your pain embrace it, and get through it........there really is a fresh green new pasture on the other side of every dark time.....accept what is and dont be afraid


With Love and in the Light, Cassie
Always Something There to Remind Me