10-12-10 What is Love?

10-12-10 What is Love?

Well the phrase from my astrology tarot reading for Randy and I keeps haunting me so I felt it deserved to be pondered. He said that we were the perfect match for one another if we could both learn to break old patterns and do things differently this time around. And I know that this is the time to quit wit old BS and get ready to do the work that is ahead to help others and to bring everyone together into the new age that is coming soon. I feel that with Randy over the course of his life he chose guy pals over women every time, he chose play over love every time..Not because he's mean and selfish but because playing with the boys never let him down like trying to love or get love from a woman did. Or so this is my thinking on it but I am not responsible for him only for me so onward....

One of the things he told me for why he doesn’t want me is that I don’t know what love is. Now I have prided myself on the fact that I do love everyone very much, sometimes too much in that I have had an enabling personality at times. I allow people to stay weak and dependent rather than push then out of the nest. For example my husband, if I had been strong enough to love myself and not fear financial insecurity and emotional abandonment I would have loved him enough to NOT come back to him when I left him that one time...his mother convinced me to come back BEFORE he got help stating that if I loved him I'd be there for him. WRONG, all I did was prevent him from hitting the rock bottom he need to change. My husband was an extremely intelligent, wonderful loving, giving caring Christian man who just happened to be sick and in need of treatment. The same can be said of my youngest son...and for that reason when I move I am NOT taking him with me, however, should he turn his life around and want to cut the substance abuse I should be in a position to take him back in my home again. Yet another reason I can’t have Randy, he didn’t want my son and that’s why he moved the other woman and kids in and not me. No Love is kicking them out when they do wrong but always having space in my heart and my home for them when they come back. This kind of love takes the right kind of compasion and I have to pray for the proper balance of that everyday....

Next loving is doing good works and helping out. With that in mind I recalled that he had asked me to possibly take in his Uncle because he didn’t have the room for him....my reaction was one of total pain and rejection, all I could think of was he wants me to live with his Uncle instead of HIM and he's put more restrictions on us because he wouldn’t be able to visit me with him there and hiding our relationship from the family. So I wrote him and told him if he wants I will take him in since we are now friends only (and there will be no benefits LOL) this is the loving thing to do and I have had many many a person live on my couch or in my basement over the years till they got on their feet. I had had many a tenant who no one else wanted, like the town drunk, the guy on probation, or house arrest or just a little nuts. That’s ok in my world a bunch of assorted nuts just means its a party! LOL So loving is taking in someone who needs a home and a helping hand. I have gotten burned many a time but I have also gotten blessed many a time, I keep my rules tight and demand respect for me and my home and usually I get it, the only time this has ever hurt me was when I let fear get in my way, fear of kicking them out cuz I needed the rent money....no more of that now this kind of love takes tough love and I gotta grow new ones every day....

Next I have to continue to love me, and that means not being so afraid that no one's going to love me back because my love for me is so very strong that I don't NEED anyone to love me back. I realize that my end of what was wrong with the attempted relationship with Randy years back was still there, sure a lot had changed but a big one didn’t and that was I was always afraid he was going to stop loving me. Every time he wanted me to sleep in another room, every time he wanted to cancel our plans because one of the boys called, every time he called and talked to his ex-girlfriend or kept a card she sent trying to get him back, every time he let me pay for something that any other guy would have paid for his girlfriend (and every time he said I love you only when I spent money on him) screamed to me HE DOESNT LOVE YOU.....HES GOING TO LEAVE YOU...and then you will be alone and unloved again. So another thing that love is is trust, I need to be secure enough in who I am that I can TRUST the person I am with and allow them the space they need, and I need two things for that to happen. One a man that is honest and trustworthy and second self love so that the spaces between us will be welcome ones and not the cause of fear of abandonment. Love me, trust the other, heck even trust my choices in men! This one's going to take more than a daily prayer; it may take a few times a day prayer!

Lastly love to me means you don't hurt me , or at least you do your damest not to hurt me. In my life I seem to always fall in love with men who hurt me by being physically and emotionally unavailable. This is the love that I recognized because of my father abandoned me, my mother having mental issues and the inability to care for me and my husbands alcoholism. I know that despite the fact that they didn’t love me the way that I felt I needed to be loved or wanted to be loved they still loved me the best that they could. I guess this goes to the point of gratitude, Randy loved me the best he was capable of and I just kept running away from him because it hurt me so much. Well I still don’t know that I was wrong to leave what hurt me but I also think if there had been more communication and sharing of feelings and compromise things would of or could have been better. But then again you can drag a man to a relationship but you cant make him communicate! LOL So dear God help me to not fear love or my feelings and communicate better with my next boyfriend because love is a lot of things but one thing love never is is fear.

Ok thats enough for now! Tall order! But hey if Instant Karma always seems to be the norm for me, once I figure it out I my recovery is rapid! This Phoenix rises from her ashes in record time! I thik it's because like i said I have much work to do...i always vision me like the mother in The World According to Garp (only married) with a huge house where I take in all the misfits and we accept them and help to heal them and send them back out into the world.......now all I need is my King, my Aragon who wants me with him to do this together for the good of all not for just the good of a few......

Today ask yourself what is Love? How do you define it? How do you show it? What does it take for you to believe that you are loved? And where in there could a bit more fine tuning be to your benefit and to the benefit of those whom you share love with?

With Love and in the Light, Cassie


this video is awesome check it out....
What is Love?