10-11-10 Love-Fear-Love. Choose love...

10-11-10 Love-Fear-Love. Choose love...

So another weekend passes and I feel a sadness today but I know I made the right choice for myself. I lost a few dreams over the weekend and well now I have to start all over with building new ones. The plans I had were faulty and they have shifted away from me and aren’t working out.

Friday I had worked from home all day and instead of going out to any events I stayed home and kept working hard on my packing and cleaning for my move. I am so thankful to be finally getting out of here and starting a new chapter in my life. I also had come upon the idea of working on CassiesCalendar.com with a re-newed vigor. I had gone to see the move The Social Network on Tuesday night and I finally was having an ah-ha moment on a way to grow my data base and that’s to start. I got all excited working on that and was so happy when a friend texted me, one whom I have felt was to be the one to help me grow this as a business.

Saturday more cleaning and packing and giving the kids stuff for the yard sale. They still haven’t made any money for me to help pay the mortgage but I did get a few more donations for the cause. One was from a couple I had introduced and they ended up getting married, I had found a house for them too and they decided they wanted to buy it together and that's how it happened that they finally decided to put their fears aside and get married. It has truly blessed my heart all the couples that I have matched up over the years, I had hoped that one day I had built up enough Karma points for my own happily ever after.....but still I am grateful for the joy and love I have brought to others lives.

With that thought in mind when my friend came over to have me pop her shoulder back in I discussed with her my plan for CassiesCalendar and asked for her help. She and I and Todd went to lunch together to talk about things. During lunch Randy called me because I had texted him asking about him taking Sunday off and coming for a bike ride in PA, he called to say he can’t take a day off after all because the cat died, oh well I said and said I had to get back to my meeting. Of course that’s when I got the whole when are you going to wise up and dump his ass lecture you deserve to be loved more than he's giving to you thing......oy vey . I did also get a call from my realtor and last minute decided to schedule a viewing so I texted Randy to let him know I would be in the area and he said ok....divine intervention or so I thought...

In the evening I forgo going to any events and turned down all invitations even from Victor. His path and my path just don't mesh anymore but that's ok. Instead I met Mary for dinner
During dinner I had a long talk with Mary, she is the ONLY one who believes Randy loves me and that he and I belong together. Well she and me believe that but as I have said none of my friends do. One friend said he was like an old pair of slippers with a hole in them that I can only wear at home and have to hide. Well he is comfortable and un-pretentious like that, and even my ex-husband spirit had come to Mary and told he that he didn't like the way he won't spend any money on me but he was like an old pair of jeans and comfortable to me and he wanted to see us together for that reason. I told her how can we have an intimate relationship when he is upset about his beloved cat and has decided he can't see me till he gets a new one? She thought it was because it was too hard for him to show his feelings to me but my friends assessment proved to be more accurate---they all thought he found someone else and was buying time. But in reality he was hanging with his oldest pretend "son" as he was helping him find a new cat. And that is why he blew me off on his BD too, and that is why he doesn’t want to live with me he likes to live with him...all this came out the next day........ But sat night Mary had said to me to go get him a new cat....

Sunday I was all happy and made plans to go look for a cat, and see a second house in Keyport and even do a walk through of the house on Sunset that I really want. I texted Randy asking could he meet me at the one on Sunset to do a walk through thinking I can bring his piece of cake from the freezer and maybe a new kitten for him! But things didn’t work out at all........first there were no kittens and the cats were $100 each! I can't pay my mortgage and can't spend any more money on this man I just can't. Then I got upset because he didn't answer my text and so I said he better meet me or I was going to his house. This is so NOT me and I never would of, my trying to make things happen had taken over. I then got a call from my realtor saying the one on Sunset is no longer available.......SIGH...so I texted him never mind but we did make plans to meet at The Hook when he got off work........again I have to go all the way there to him he couldn’t' even meet me by the water in Keyport and save me some time and some gas.... But anyway I texted Vic to meet me to drop off the stone kits and he said to meet him at the park....

I got to the park and he had decided to go shopping first even though I said I was on my way. We are friends but its apparent why we can't interact and spend time together often anymore; we just don't mesh well that way. Punctuality and reliability are huge in my world but not in his, he is not wrong and neither am I we are just different. I also was dissapointed in his snide comment that maybe Randy would propose today and to text him if he did. We talked a bit about the business plan for Inspiristones, and then I had to go look at the other house........ all the way driving down though in my mind God was asking me are you SURE you want Randy? He reminded me of all the things he is that I don’t like and I said its ok what I like is greater than this......that is what love is to me, accepting a person the way they are and making a decision to be happy with who they are. Randy faults me for leaving him but he spent every day showing me he wasn’t happy with me, he didn’t like my snoring he was sad each time he asked me to ride and I said no, he was upset because I wanted him to call me when he was in Vermont so I didn’t worry, and most of all if one of his buddies called he'd drop all plans with me like a hot potato and go.... I felt like I spent every day showing him that I loved him by taking care of him and buying him things he needed to make up for the lack his whole life....... God I want him I am sure but he has to decide today, its 10-10-10 and time is running out......I thought he was my twin flame and I know if he didn’t want me now there would be no more chances this lifetime. I know I need a partner who wants to help me help others..

So I looked at the other house and didn’t like it, it looked pretty but the rooms are so small, it did have a big garage though but I only wanted a garage for Randy not for me. I feel so sad about the house I really want being rented. I was driving around the area looking for something else for sale when Randy texted me that he's be off work in 10 min so I headed for The Hook....... We did a lot of talking he and I and I found out a lot of things that I didn’t like. One was he didn’t consider me his girlfriend, again the story changed....he also said he had a place for me to live maybe, an abandoned trailer in a trailer court that he lived in as a kid was for sale for 14K he could get it and me and his uncle live there. No I said I want you to marry and live with ME not your "family", I can't kick them out he said, I know let them stay in your house I told him......we went back and forth and round and round trying to communicate, its very hard to have a conversation with him because he acts like a 12 yr old, at times its what endears me to him and at others its what infuriates me about him. LOL Finally he said lets go get some shrimp----I was broke but I thought well maybe this once he will offer to pay.......he sat down and ordered food and didn’t order anything for me or ask if I wanted anything. I ordered a soda and he did insist on not taking the money for that but having to stop for hot dogs at Wawa later just illustrated more to me how little he offers me. He also told me how he talks to his uncle every day for an hour on the Bluetooth I got him, I said sadly that I had gotten that for him to call me... Cest La vie. We did talk for a long time, he did tell me that he loved me the most and that of his time I also get the most and the best of it. That could be true but I want someone to live with me and marry me, he said I could marry you on Sunday and on Monday you'd be ready to leave me over me coming home late. I reminded him of the level of commitment in my marriage, how despite alcoholism, beatings, no sex no even talking sometimes I stayed till he got put in jail and then died. He’s the one who never married, choosing again and again playing with boys and not making a commitment. It’s what he knows Mary always says and I know that it's true that he fears marriage and commitment. I also know his stinginess with me is also about fear of lack, if he had plenty he would be more generous but instead he hangs on tight to whatever he can , he hasn’t learned yet what I have learned in that when you give you get back so much more.

We sat and talked some more about his cat and reminisced about some of his personality quirks, how we liked when he got in bed with us and how he acted. I told him if he wanted to get that new cat that looked just like him it would be ok even if he named it the same as I knew many people do that, replace a pet with an identical one. Then we walked outside to say goodnight, I wasn’t going to say it was goodbye but I feel that it was. I know that I can no longer dishonor myself by having an affair with a man who chooses to share his home and his life with someone else. He said to me that if he lost me it would be nothing compared to the loss he felt for his cat and I know how huge that is, and I never would want to cause that kind of pain to him but what he doesn’t see is he causes that pain to me every single day that he chooses to no choose me. As I said he chooses fear instead of love. I don’t hate him or fault him for this, I can't say it's right or its wrong all I know is what I must choose for myself and that is to love myself. I stepped out of my fear in a huge way yesterday and asked him for what I wanted........and I will face his No with the same bravery.........I just don't know now if I should still move to that area, got to pray on that one but now I see why I lost the blog about it and I lost the chance for it,, God has another plan for me.....

I woke up this morning with the song I Saw The Sign in my head, the message was clear he did not want to step into the light with me.... My first instinct is to go run behind my wall, the one I built around my heart to keep me from feeling, to hide in this fat suit and keep myself safe from Men. Randy is the ONLY one I let get this close to me after my divorce 12 yrs ago. But I have got to choose love and not fear and keep myself out there, one day I have faith that God will send me a man who wants to live with me and marry me and we will build a future together. Randy had said if I learned to be like him and be grateful for what he did give me now then maybe he'd think of giving me more in the future but I was totally greatful for this summer and the time I spent with Randy, he will forever hold a special place in my heart, maybe someday we can even be friends once I find a husband but today I need to choose to love me more than him and quit settling for and begging for crumbs from him while he buys everything for them. I didn’t offer him an Inspiristone yesterday but I did toss one in the water, I still feel I am meant to live down there but its going to be so hard to be so close and so far…going to have to ask God again is he sure I belong down there..

Today ask yourself are you choosing love or fear? Sometimes holding on to someone or something that isn’t the best thing for you is choosing fear of lack instead of choosing to love yourself and say No this just will not do! It's not about gratitude, it's about honoring yourself. Maybe it's a job you are stuck in and you are choosing to stay there in fear instead of loving yourself enough to get a new one. And its about being brave enough to speak out and tell someone how much you love them and making a choice that they are the one you want..........Love-Fear-Love-Fear........ Choose love.....always again and again in every situation choose Love...........it's the only thing that really matters......

on 10-10-10 I did get my love, I loved Me by refusing to settle for less than I deserve......I was brave enough to walk up and snuggle him and ask to be loved and I was even braver to walk away. IF he comes back with a better plan I’ll consider but I can’t accept the one he offered. I do hope he’s happy and I hope he finds a new cat to replace the old one but he will never ever find another Cassie…

With Love and in the Light, Cassie

I Saw The Sign


Do not build walls around a broken heart. Listen to the sadness, feel the pain of broken dreams. At the very core of a broken heart is a whole, illuminated one.
Let the walls come tumbling down. When you imprison your heart how can you
hear your heart beat for joy...just as the light of dawn finds the night, so shall love find the sorrow.